


Postcards on the Ceiling

by ceealaina



Series: Postcards on the Ceiling [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Durin Family, Durincest, Fili/OFC - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Not really crossdressing, Porn, Schmoop, Shower Sex, Sibling Incest, Snark, Table Sex, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-12-13
Packaged: 2017-12-12 06:43:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 53,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceealaina/pseuds/ceealaina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili and Kili are content with their second chance at happiness together after Erebor - until something happens to destroy everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This idea has been floating around in my head for weeks now. Here's hoping a manage to do it justice.

Fili woke the same way he did every morning: too hot with loud snores in his ears. Kili was wrapped around him as he slept, arms and legs clinging to Fili’s body, the two of them damp with sweat. Fili would never understand how it was that his brother seemed to grow extra limbs while he slept, but without fail he would wake up feeling like he was being suffocated by an octopus. 

Grumbling under his breath, Fili detangled himself from his brother’s hold, biting a finger when it came too close to punching him in the face. Kili flopped over without waking, sprawling on his back with his limbs splayed out and mouth open wide. There wasn’t a stitch of clothing on his body, the sheets long since kicked off, and instantly Fili’s irritation disappeared, being replaced with a fond smile as he looked his brother over. 

As if he could feel Fili’s eyes on him, Kili shifted and stretched on the mattress, one hand moving to scratch the hair on his lower abdomen as his eyes blinked open. He yawned wide before his eyes focused in on Fili, and he broke into a broad grin. 

“Morning baby,” he purred in a ridiculous voice that had Fili cracking up as Kili tugged him down for a kiss, wrinkling his nose as he pulled away. “Fee, your breath is awful,” he grumbled, making fake gagging noises, and Fili rolled his eyes. 

“I just woke up, dipshit. What do you expect?” 

“Unicorn farts,” Kili replied without missing a beat, and Fili snorted. 

“There’s something the matter with you,” he said dryly, rolling out of bed to head for the bathroom while Kili just smiled cherubically back at him. 

“Must run in the family,” he retorted, cackling when Fili just threw a pillow at him before disappearing into the shower. 

Fili returned a few minutes later, one towel tied low on his hips while he dried his hair with another. Kili hadn’t so much as moved, still sprawled butt ass naked on his back, half dozing as he hummed under his breath. Fili wanted to roll his eyes, but instead he smirked to himself, enjoying the view as took in the sight of Kili’s long body, toned and lithe with long dark hair spread out on the pillow beneath him. 

Without opening his eyes, Kili arched an eyebrow, a slow smirk crossing his lips. “See something you like?” he drawled, arching his hips obscenely. He laughed when Fili didn’t answer, finally opening his eyes and reaching out for him . He sat up enough to grab Fili’s hips, and Fili let himself be drawn back onto the bed, kneeling over Kili with his elbows resting on either side of his head. Kili hummed again, arching up to give Fili a slow, lazy kiss. “Come on Fee,” he purred. “Come back to bed.” 

Fili groaned in frustration, forcing himself to pull away. “I’m going to be late for work,” he protested, ignoring Kili’s unimpressed stare as he pried his fingers free and got to his feet. Kili whined, stretching out his full length on the sheets, and Fili gave him a disdainful look. “Are you even going to work today, or are you just going to laze around on your fat ass?” 

Kili didn’t look the slightest bit insulted, shrugging instead. “Maybe. It’s a nice day, might just call in sick and wander around the city, get some ice cream, make some new friends...” He gave Fili a lecherous grin. “Or, I might just stay in bed,” he offered with a ridiculous wink. 

Fili rolled his eyes, turning to dig out his clothes. “You know, Thorin’s having shit fits that you won’t get a proper job. He thought university was going to settle you down, not make you worse.”

“A little drama is good for him. He hasn’t had something to fixate on since Erebor.” 

“You call in sick much more, and they’re just going to fire you.” 

“I’m a barista, Fili. I think I’ll manage to find a job somewhere else.” Kili fluttered his eyelashes at Fili’s back, shamelessly ogling his ass as he pulled on his pants. “Besides, I’m not worried. I’ve got you to be my sugar daddy.” 

Fili turned to arch an eyebrow at him. “Sugar daddy?” he repeated dryly before a grin reluctantly crossed his face. Pulling his hair back in a low bun, he moved back over to the bed and dragged Kili up for a slow, dirty kiss, tongue teasing at his lips. “You’re lucky you’re cute,” he told him, letting Kili drop back to the mattress as he pulled on his shirt and grabbed his tie. 

“Come onnnnnn Fee,” Kili whined, arching his hips and batting his eyelashes. “I want to go to the beach. Take the day off and spend it with me.” 

“You,” Fili retorted, pointing at his younger brother, “Need to go to work. I mean it Kee.” He softened his words with a smile, grabbing his bag. “I’ll see you tonight.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled with this chapter like, a lot, so hopefully it makes sense to everyone else. Enjoy!

No one knew why things had worked out the way they did, why everyone would find each other all over again, thousands of years later, when Erebor and Middle Earth were long gone and elves and dwarves and orcs were little more than fantasy. There was constant debate among them whether it was a curse or a blessing that they had retained their memories (Thorin went a little red whenever anyone mentioned the treasury at Erebor, and Frerin swore he could have done without nightmares of reliving his own death) but for Fili there was never any question. He would have taken on Smaug again alone, so long as it meant that he would have Kili by his side. 

Fili could still remember his sixteenth birthday as if it had just happened. Up until that point, he had been a normal teenager, doing decently well in school, hanging out with his friends, flirting with girls, being a smartass in class and going to baseball practice after. He’d been fond of Kili, of course, and probably had a better relationship with him than most kids had with their younger siblings, but Kili was still only eleven years old, and more interested in playing with bugs than talking to girls. Fili had been looking forward to turning sixteen, to getting his driver’s license and having a little more freedom. If he had found it odd that he was allowed to take his birthday off of school, and that Thorin and Frerin, and Dwalin and Balin, and all their other distant relations had come for the occasion, he had almost immediately forgotten about it. Of course he had no idea that everything he thought he knew was about to change; all he was worried about was partying with his friends on the weekend, and who they could convince to buy them alcohol. 

He didn’t fully remember the dreams that had plagued him that night, flashes of battles and blood and so, so much pain until he woke with a start, and suddenly he remembered. 

Everything came back to him in a rush, everything from his life before, the Battle of Five Armies, and the quest for Erebor. Gold in the mountain, and Thorin training him to fight, his mother smiling at him, his father telling he and Kili good night stories, learning to fight, his first ale, and above all, Kili. Always glittering dark eyes and wild hair and a wicked smile flickered through the rush of memories until Fili had gasped, clutching at his head as it all became too much, and tears filled his eyes. 

It was then that he had heard it, a soft, “Fili?” that made him look up, having to blink the tears out of his eyes before he saw Kili, sitting on his desk chair on the other side of the room. Kili, who was supposed to have gone to school but had doubled back to wish his older brother a happy birthday. Kili, who had those same dark eyes and smile that Fili hadn’t even realized he had been looking for. Kili, who was making his way toward Fili now, fear in his eyes, and as he was about to leave to find their mother and uncles, frightened by his brother’s tears, Fili had wrapped his arms around him, burying his face in his little brother’s neck and holding him tight. Vaguely he had been aware that he was sobbing like a baby, but he didn’t especially care, clinging to Kili like his life depended on it. The form wasn’t quite right, too tall and too slight, but that didn’t matter because he had Kili, and it was like breathing fresh air again. 

After a few minutes he had realized that Kili was saying his name over and over in what was meant to be a soothing manner, stroking a hand over Fili’s back the way their mother would when they were children with scraped knees. 

“Fee,” he had breathed, voice high and worried. “Fee, it’s okay.” 

Fili had managed a broken laugh at that, pulling back and rubbing at his face. “Sorry,” he had managed to say. “Fuck, sorry.” 

Kili had just frowned, looking so serious that for a moment Fili had wondered if he remembered everything too. “Fee, what’s wrong?” Kili had asked, the slightest tremor in his voice at seeing his big brother look so lost. “Should I get momma?” 

“No!” Fili had said quickly. “No, I’m okay. I just… missed you.” 

Kili’s frown had deepened, confusion marring his dark eyes. “I’m right here, Fee,” he had told him. “My room’s right next door.” 

Fili had laughed again. “Yeah, I know,” he had muttered before shaking his head. “Don’t worry about it, Kili.”

“You sure I shouldn’t get mom? Or Uncle Thorin?”

Fili had given him a smile, though it wasn’t quite his usual one. “I’m fine Kili, promise. Just a little freaked out by my birthday, I guess.”

A slightly impish smile had crossed Kili’s face. “Is it cause you’re getting so old?” he had teased, giggling as his curls bounced in his eyes. 

“Yup. Must be it,” Fili had replied dryly before frowning over at his little brother. “Shouldn’t you be on your way to school?” 

Kili had just shrugged, flopping down on the bed beside Fili. “I can’t wait till I’m sixteen,” he had declared, stretching out on his back. “Uncle Frerin already said he’ll teach me drive, and you’ll be away at school, so I’ll have your bedroom, and I’ll be the coolest kid at school.”

Fili had rolled his eyes. “You gotta grow out of your ugly first,” he had replied, and Kili had let out an indignant shriek. 

“I have a girlfriend!” he had retorted. “You’re the ugly one.” 

“You’re fucking eleven,” Fili said without thinking, staring down at him. “How the hell do you have a girlfriend?”

“You said fuck!” Kili had gasped in return. “You’re going to be in so much trouble!”

They had ended up wrestling on the floor, laughing and shrieking and generally making a pile of noise, and it had felt so familiar to the warring parts of Fili that for a moment he forgot the dull ache inside of him. 

Then their mother had come up, Thorin behind her to make sure the noise wasn’t Fili rolling out of bed and concussing himself, and he had thought his heart might explode at the sight of them. He had fallen back from his brother, hand coming up to his chest, and Dis had given him a look full of understanding before hauling Kili to his feet. 

“You! You’re supposed to be on your way to school!” she said, hauling him to the door. 

“But ma!” Kili had protested. “I just wanted to wish Fee a happy birthday.” 

Dis had ignored this, giving him a smack on the arm as she shoved him down the hall. Where he went from there she hadn’t bothered to check, however, immediately returning to the bedroom where Fili was still sitting on the floor, staring. 

“Ma?” he had whispered, somehow knowing that she remembered, but needing it confirmed. 

“Oh Fili,” she had sighed, dropping to the floor beside him and wrapping her arms around him. Fili had buried his face in her neck, clinging to her like a child and not even caring as soothing hands stroked through his long hair. “Oh, my beautiful golden boy.” 

Fili had felt his eyes well with tears, remembering the last time he had seen his mother as he and Kili left for the Shire, remembering Kili, just before he died, whispered that he wished he could have seen her again. He had clung to her harder, letting the overwhelming emotions and memories spill over once more. All the while Dis had just held him tight, pulling him into her lap as best she could when he was almost taller than her, kissing the top of his head and running her hands over his back. 

It could have been minutes or hours later when Fili finally calmed, the memories in his head settling down into something more familiar and patterned, less overwhelming. The desperate sobs coming from his chest had turned to ragged breathing, before calming down to something a little more controlled. He had pulled back from his mother finally, wiping at the tears streaking his face as he tried to calm his breathing. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he had finally asked, voice hoarse and rough, and Dis had given him a sad smile. 

“It wouldn’t have mattered,” she had told him. “We remember when we’re meant to.” Fili had nodded, still looking a little shaken, and she had leaned forward, kissing his forehead. “Why don’t you come downstairs? We’ll make hot chocolate and explain the best we can.” 

Fili had nodded, still breathing slowly as he tried to find some sort of equilibrium, and Dis had kissed his forehead, heading down ahead of Fili to give him a moment to collect himself. Fili had pulled himself upright on shaky legs, head pounding and feeling a little like he had the flu. He had gone to the bathroom he shared with Kili, splashing water on his face, and with water still dripping from the strands framing his face, he made his way downstairs. 

His mother was at the stove, making hot chocolate and using the same recipe she had always used since he and Kili were small children. Frerin and Thorin were sitting at the kitchen table, Frerin leaning with head back, teasing Dis about something. Thorin, on the other hand, was watching the doorway expectantly, a slow, rare smile crossing his features at Fili’s arrival 

“Fili,” he had breathed, and then he was getting to his feet and wrapping his nephew in a large hug. Fili’s eyes fell shut as he returned the familiar embrace, laughing a little against the thick chest. “It’s good to see you again,” Thorin had said, making Fili laugh again at how absolutely absurd this whole situation. Thorin had pulled back slightly, his hands on Fili’s shoulders as he met his eyes. “I never had the chance…” He had trailed off, voice catching a little, and started again. “I never had the chance to tell you how proud I was of you,” he had said, and Fili felt his eyes fill with tears, before he burst into startled laughter as Frerin threw a spoon at his brother. 

“Leave him alone, Thorin,” he had said, a wide grin on his face as he gave Fili a wink. “There’ll be plenty of time for that later, when he’s not feeling so overwhelmed.” 

They had all talked then, the four of them around the kitchen table, sipping hot chocolate as Thorin explained everything they knew. They had found almost everyone, reborn through the same family lines, and for some reason the sixteenth birthday was always the catalyst point, the coming of age at which all their previous memories would come back. No one knew how this had happened, or why they had all returned, or even if it was meant to be a good or bad thing. It just was. They had known Fili would remember, and all their family was gathered to celebrate the return of the heir. Personally Fili had thought this was stupid, because Erebor no longer existed, and there was no longer anything to be heir to, really, but apparently it was he principle of the thing.

There had been a party that day, and an endless stream of people that he barely remembered, the entire day passing in a blur. And then, there had been nothing left for Fili to do except wait for Kili. It wasn’t as though he was suddenly jonesing for his eleven-year-old brother, he knew that Kili wasn’t his Kili. But every once in awhile he would do something so reminiscent of the old Kili that Fili would just ache for his younger brother, feeling empty and lost without him. 

It was a long five years. 

But Fili distracted himself. He graduated from high school, and went to university and worked on his degree, and called Kili once a week to make sure he was doing okay. Kili came to visit him a few times, and Fili watched his baby brother grow up. He had grown antsier as Kili’s sixteenth came closer, and the weekly phone calls had turned almost nightly. Kili somehow didn’t seem surprised to see Fili the night before his sixteenth, and when Fili had the sudden idea to have a sleep over in his room, like they had when they were kids, Kili went with it. 

Fili didn’t sleep at all that night, watching Kili. He saw the way his features tensed as the time slipped past midnight, and Fili ran his fingers over Kili’s forehead, smoothing out the wrinkles as the nightmares began to take hold. He waited all night, offering soothing words, holding his brother, and kissing his head, never certain if any of it was getting through as he whined and shifted in his sleep. 

When Kili opened his eyes finally, he was turned to face Fili. There was pain and sorrow in his glassy gaze, but he didn’t look at all surprised to see his older brother. His face broke into a blinding grin, the one Fili knew, and he leaned in. “Fili,” he had breathed, face pressed against the elder’s chest, and as Fili had wrapped his arms around Kili’s back, holding him close, suddenly everything was right again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Thorin and Fili talk, Kili is a bad influence, and Fili remembers some more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the utter lack of editing in this chapter, but I wanted to get it out before I go on vacation in about two hours. If you see anything glaring let me know, and I'll be sure to give it a proper edit when I get back.
> 
> And I almost forgot! Thank you to katrinedugas and my long lost twin possessed-bylight for helping me out with this one!

It was another beautiful, sunny day outside - not that Fili could really appreciate it as he dashed down the street, running late once again. He always woke up with the best of intentions, actually hated being late, but somehow no matter how early he woke up, Kili managed to throw all his good intentions out the window. 

Fili ducked into the local Starbucks. It was packed as usual, all the early morning workers stopping in before getting down to their jobs, but luckily the barista at the cash recognized him. She gave him a grin and a wave, and by the time he had maneuvered to the front of the cash, she had two ventis waiting for him. 

"Thanks Mya," he breathed, digging out the cash and a hefty tip. "You are a lifesaver."

Mya just beamed at him. "I put an extra shot of caramel in the other one," she told him, and Fili could have kissed. Thorin was always a little more likely to go easier on Fili when his nephew came bearing gifts of coffee. 

Fili hurried the last block to the office as quickly as the hot coffee in his hands would allow and dashed for the elevator, getting there just in time for Dwalin to hold it before the doors closed in his face. Fili slipped in beside him with a slightly sheepish smile, ignoring the older man's eye roll, and he headed up to the penthouse floor. Dwalin gave him a grunt good morning as he exited and Fili snuck into his uncle's office. 

"Nine twenty five, Fili," he said, not looking up from his paperwork, and Fili gaped at him. 

"It's not..." He trailed off as he caught sight of the clock on Thorin's wall and be winced. Clearing his throat a little awkwardly, he moved forward, sliding the cup across the desk. "I brought coffee?" he offered by way of apology. 

Thorin did look up at him then, arching a thick eyebrow before accepting the coffee. He took a slow sip, lips twitching into an almost smile. "You're forgiven," he said, rather imperiously, and Fili grinned at his uncle as his phone buzzed. As Thorin's eyes drifted back down to his paper, Fili pulled out his phone, swiping to open the message. 

He was greeted with a poorly taken self portrait of Kili, sprawled out across their bed with his hair splayed messily across the pillow. He was smirking lazily at his phone, one eyebrow arched, and in the bottom frame of the photo Fili could just make out the smattering of hair that led down the trail of his brother's chest. Biting his lip as he fought back a stupid grin, Fili scrolled down further to read the message. 

'See what you're missing?'

Rolling his eyes, Fili typed back a quick 'go the fuck to work,' still grinning a little stupidly. He quickly pocketed his phone and then looked back up to find Thorin staring at him with an arched brow. Fili's grin faltered slightly, as he tried to compose himself, and Thorin rolled his eyes. 

"Your brother, I'm assuming?" he questioned, glancing back down as he crossed out a line and initialed a couple of pages. 

"I... Yeah," Fili admitted, smile still lingering on his lips. Thorin just sighed. 

"And where is he working now?" he continued without looking up, and Fili winced. 

"Starbucks," Fili replied after a long pause, knowing full well that his uncle probably already knew this. "The one over on Prince Street," he added, when he saw Thorin glance toward the mug on his desk. 

"Starbucks," Thorin repeated with another heavy sigh. "Well. I'm glad to hear his business degree is going to good use," he said dryly. 

“He says he’s getting a lot of use out of the Russian Literature minor, though,” Fili joked weakly, wincing when he was met with Thorin’s unimpressed stare. 

“And how long as this job lasted?”

Fili cleared his throat, avoiding making eye contact with his uncle. “Uh… three months?” he offered, the words coming out a little too fast. He could practically feel Thorin’s disapproval. 

“And he’s texting you, so clearly he’s showing a lot of work ethic.” 

“Naw, his shift doesn’t start till ten,” Fili protested, leaving out the part where he was pretty sure Kili wasn’t going in, since he was still naked in bed. Thorin sighed again, and Fili shrugged. “He’s happy, uncle… Don’t ask too much of him.” 

“I don’t think I ask enough of him, to be honest,” Thorin replied dryly, though this time when he looked back at Fili, there was a hint of a grudging smile on his face. “Still, I suppose if he’s happy…” 

It was an ongoing thing, with Kili. When he had been younger, before he remembered everything, Fili had always been a little jealous of the way Kili got away with everything. Everyone doted on his little brother, Fili included, but that didn’t mean it didn’t suck being the responsible one, didn’t suck when they would be in trouble, and all Kili had to do was bat his eyes and he would get away with barely a slap on his wrist. 

After he remembered, Fili understood the reasoning behind it. Kili had been so young on the quest, almost too young, but even then no one could say no to him, and Fili wouldn’t leave his brother behind, thought he would be safer with Fili, where he could keep an eye on him and keep him safe. Of all those who had died the day, Kili was the greatest loss. His bright smile should have outlived them all, and once he remembered, Fili wanted nothing more than to keep his brother safe again, to make sure he kept smiling and to make up for Kili dying. Kili had, of course, thrived under the sudden attention from his older brother and even now, nearly fifteen years later, everyone found it difficult too say no to Kili, too happy that they once more had the chance to see the smile on his face. 

Thorin and Fili buckled down to work then, going over their files and clients and meetings for the day, and for awhile Fili let himself be absorbed by the familiar routine. His phone buzzed a couple more times, but he ignored it in favour of reading over the figures Thorin gave him. 

They passed a good hour and a half this way, before Thorin’s secretary interrupted them to remind him of a meeting, and Fili retreated to his own office. He hummed softly as he sat down in his top-of-the-line desk chair, some ridiculously expensive thing from Europe that Kili had gifted him with after his last promotion. He stretched out, popping his spine, and then grinned as he remembered the texts waiting on his phone, digging it out from his pocket and opening up his messages. 

They were all from Kili, of course, the first one and out of focus picture of his brother’s chest, nipple standing out amongst the dark curls and making Fili’s mouth water. He shifted in his seat a little, hoping that Kili hadn’t decided to give him a peepshow like last time, and couldn’t decide if he was relieved or disappointed when the next picture was of Robert Downey Jr’s butt on their television. This was followed by a quick, ten-second video of the weird bug he found in their kitchen, and then one of the smoothie that Kili had made, which had turned an unfortunate colour of green, and a message underneath debating the merits of drinking it. 

As Fili flipped past the last picture, his phone flashed again, this time just a text message, reading, “I’m bored.” 

Rolling his eyes, and figuring he had a couple of moments before he had to buckle down to work, Fili pressed the call button, grinning as it rang a couple of times before Kili answered with an out of breath, “Hello?” 

“You know, if you’re so bored, maybe you should have gone to work,” Fili pointed out, eyeing the clock that now read nearly eleven thirty.

“Seriously?” Kili replied, sounding absolutely disgusted with his brother. “You don’t think I would be ten times as bored at work?” 

“Well then maybe you should find a more stimulating job,” Fili suggested, wanting to kick his own ass at how responsible he sounded. Kili just sighed. 

“You’ve been talking to Thorin again, haven’t you?”

“I talk to Thorin almost every day,” Fili answered almost immediately, ignoring Kili’s real question. 

“You know it’s Thorin’s job to worry, and work you too hard, Fee,” Kili told him. “Just like it’s my job to make sure you loosen up some. Seriously, it’s almost lunch time –“

“- it’s barely eleven thirty!”

“ – So why don’t you skip out of work and come meet me for lunch.” 

“I can’t Kee, you know I can’t.” 

“Come on Fili,” his brother whined. “I’m bored, and I’m hungry, and it’s a beautiful day out there. And a day off would do you good.” 

Fili snorted at that. “Yeah, till Thorin dragged my ass back to work.” 

“Tell him you have a business meeting.” 

Fili rolled his eyes. “Kili, he knows I don’t have a business meeting. We just went over my entire schedule for the day.” 

“What? I could be a client. You don’t have last meetings come up?” 

Fili sighed. “I can’t. I really can’t Kili.” 

There was a long silence, and then a faint echo of Fili’s sigh, soft and disappointed. “Fine,” Kili said quietly, and Fili bit his lip, feeling equal parts guilty, and annoyed at Kili for always managing to make him feel guilty. 

“Tell you what,” he said. “We’ll go away this weekend, just you and me. Drive up to the beach, bring some beer, maybe get a hotel room overlooking the water.” 

There was another moment of silence. “It’s supposed to rain all weekend,” Kili informed him sullenly. Fili rolled his eyes again, but was used to dealing with his brother.

“Okay,” he replied easily. “So we’ll rent a cabin for the weekend. Somewhere with a screened in porch, overlooking the water, so I can fuck you under the rain all weekend.” 

“The neighbours might complain,” Kili pointed out, but Fili could hear the grudging smile creeping into his voice. 

“Fuck the neighbours,” Fili told him, and this time he got a laugh. 

“Thought you were gonna fuck me.” 

“Oh, I am,” Fili replied. “Starting tonight, in fact. So you better be there when I get home.”

Kili laughed again. “What time?”

“Six,” Fili told him.

“And should I have dinner waiting like a good little wife?” 

“Only if you’re wearing your pearls.” 

“Asshole,” Kili laughed, sounding content once more. “I’m getting ice cream, dickhead. See you at six?” 

“See you at six,” Fili replied, voice getting warm at the thought of a quiet night, just he and his brother having time to themselves for once. 

Fili hung up his phone then, setting it on his desk as he turned to his computer, bringing up his email. He had barely clicked up the first one when his phone was buzzing again, another message from Kili popping up on his screen. Laughing to himself, Fili swiped it open, chuckling to himself at the image of Kili’s bare feet, propped up on the back of the couch, which meant he was likely flopped on his back, head hanging toward the floor with his feet in the air. 

Unbidden, the image brought another memory to mind, and Fili leaned back in his chair, letting his eyes slip shut, picturing a just turned sixteen-year-old Kili all too well. He had been in the exact same position when Fili had found him, stretched out upside on the coach with his head hanging off the edge as he channel surfed idly. The morning had been a blur of family and friends, and celebrating the last heir remembering, and Fili hadn’t had to look at his brother to know it was all getting to be a bit much for him. He hadn’t been surprised when he had noticed Kili slipping away, claiming he was getting a drink but never returning, and it had taken Fili all of thirty seconds to find his brother. 

For a moment, Fili just lingered in the doorway, watching Kili who hadn’t noticed him yet. They hadn’t talked since the hours spent holding a shaking Kili, Fili soothing away the hurt and pain as best he could, and for the first time in either life, Fili had no idea what to say to his brother. Everything was different now, and even if Fili felt like he had been lost without his memories, he had no way of knowing if Kili felt the same.

“Kili?” he said suddenly, breaking the spell the infomercial had taken over, and Kili jumped and blinked before his gaze settled on Fili, the relief filling his brown eyes impossible to miss. 

“Hey,” he said quietly, and Fili took that as an invitation to come further into the room, taking a seat the right side up beside his brother. 

“Hey,” he said in return, reaching across to curl a hand around Kili’s knee, stroking the skin idly. “How’re you doing?” 

Kili shrugged awkwardly, eyes falling back to television. “It’s weird. It’s… Have you really remembered all this time?” Fili nodded and Kili’s teeth clenched slightly. “You never told me.” 

Fili couldn’t help rolling his eyes. “You were eleven. What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey Kili, want a ride to school? Oh, and by the way, I’m kind of in love with you, and in about five years time you’re going to want to jump my bones.” Kili’s eyes flicked back up to him and Fili swallowed, looking away. “I mean, uh… If you do still want to jump my bones, that is,” he added in mumble. 

Kili stared at him a long moment and then made an impatient noise, struggling to sit up until Fili grabbed his arm and hauled him upright again. “You’re an idiot,” Kili informed him, and before Fili had the chance to reply, he was fisting his hands in Fili’s shirt and dragging him in for a kiss that had Fili’s mind reeling. Vaguely he thought there was no way his sixteen year old brother should be this good of a kisser, and he felt a brief flare of jealousy at whomever had taught him this, but then it disappeared in favour of the swipe of Kili’s tongue against his lips. 

They were both breathing hard when Kili finally pulled away, but he didn’t let go. Kili kept Fili tight against him, their foreheads pressed together and lips almost touching. Kili’s eyes were closed, and Fili watched his eyelashes fan down over his cheeks, the sight sending a pang through him, sorrow at all the time they had lost together, and then a thrill at the thought that he could have this again. 

“Seriously,” Kili mumbled, lips brushing against Fili’s. “So fucking stupid. I was in love with you even then. I don’t know how you didn’t notice. All that time, I thought there was something wrong with me.” 

Fili felt heat flare through him at that, his heart swelling, but he covered it with a soft laugh. “There was something wrong with you.”

“Asshole,” Kili breathed against his skin, kissing him again before jumping to his feet and grabbing Fili’s hand. “Come on.” 

Fili followed immediately, arching a brow at his younger brother. “Where are we going?” 

“Mom said to take some time to myself, if I needed it. We have three hours before big family dinner, and if you don’t think we’re going to spend every second of it fucking like rabbits, then you’re stupider than you look.”

Fili gave a startled laugh, having almost forgotten had insatiable and ridiculous Kili could be sometimes, but he followed easily, finally feeling whole again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is approximately 99% porn, so you have been warned.

The rest of Fili's day passed in a blur of paperwork and emails and meetings with clients who really kind of annoyed him, only split up by more random texts from Kili. By the time five thirty rolled around, he couldn't wait to get out of there, practically throwing his laptop and papers into his bag and grabbing his suit jacket. He didn't even bother to put it on before he was rushing out the door, trying to get away before anyone came with anything else for him to do. Luckily he only bumped into Balin, who gave him a wink and gestured to him to hurry out of the office, before turning down to Thorin's door. 

In minutes, Fili was on the subway, firing off a quick text to Kili before turning his phone off completely. He leaned back against the window, letting the stress of the day wash away, and a small smile crossed his face as he thought of getting home. 

There was a bit of a bounce in his step as he hurried the last couple of blocks to the place he and Kili shared, and he could hear music playing as he opened the front door. He dropped his keys on the hall table, leaving his bag and jacket inside the door, and then groaned as the smell of something delicious wafted down the hall. Toeing off his shoes, he padded down the hall to the kitchen in his sock feet, loosening his tie and untucking his shirt as he went. 

He stopped when he reached the kitchen, leaning in the door way and just ogling his brother for the moment. Kili was singing along loudly to the music, obviously not having heard Fili come in, and Fili was greeted to the sight of his bare ass moving around as he swung his hips back and forth to the beat of the music. He was caught up with whatever he was cooking over the stove, an apron tied loosely around his neck and back to protect his skin. 

Fili was so caught up in admiring Kili's perfect ass, that it was a minute before he realized Kili seemed tall, even for him. His eyes finally traveled down the length of his firmly muscled legs only to stop on the strappy four inch purple high heels that Kili had tied to his ankles. They were ridiculous, all soft material interwoven with criss crossed ribbon, and the heels had some sort of glittery embellishment on them. 

"What the fuck?" he wondered outloud.

Kili spun at the sound of his voice, an enormous grin splitting his face. "Hey, you're home! And on time!" He took a step toward Fili and then cursed as his ankle slipped in the heel and he nearly fell on his face, grabbing the counter just in time. "Shit."

Fili moved forward instantly, catching Kili around the waist with a soft laugh. "You okay?" he asked, arching an eyebrow up at his brother. Kili nodded and Fili let his eyes travel down the length of Kili's body again. "Uh.. Kee? What's with the shoes?"

Kili grinned wide at that, taking a step back as he fluttered his eyelashes. "Well I just thought they'd compliment my shoes," he replied, in some affected 50s housewife accent that had Fili snorting. 

"You're fucking kidding me," Fili laughed, shaking his head when Kili untied the neck of the apron and let it flop down around his waist to reveal the strand of pearls that he was indeed wearing around his neck. Fili shook his head, taking a step forward and pressing Kili up against the counter, hands still spanning his hips. "There is something wrong with you," he muttered. 

Kili just beamed back, rubbing his knuckles down Fili's cheek. "I like making you smile," he said. "Too serious all the time." He fisted his hands in Fili's hair, pulling it free from its bun and not giving him the chance to respond before he was tilting his head back almost painfully far to kiss him hungrily. Fili groaned against his lips, slotting his hips against Kili's as he pressed him harder against the counter. His hands squeezed Kili's skin hard enough to bruise before sliding along the ties of his apron and then down to palm his ass. Kili hummed into his mouth and then pulled away suddenly, cursing under his breath as he tottered back over to the stove. 

"Almost made me burn the sauce," he grumbled, and Fili gave him an amused glance, back to ogling his ass, which looked even more perky than usual with the added height. 

"I really don't care about the sauce," he told him, stepping up behind Kili, looping his arms around his waist and pressing his body all along Kili's back. Fili peeked over his younger brother's shoulder, just barely able to see as he scraped his teeth over his shoulder blade, delighting in the shiver that ran through Kili's body.

"Stop it," Kili whined, rocking back against him before he got a hold of himself. "I'm trying to cook you dinner!"

Fili huffed out another laugh against his skin, placing feather light kisses along his neck. "You really don't have to," he said, hand sliding up over Kili's thigh and under the apron still tied around his waist. 

"Hey!" Kili elbowed him sharply, although he was fighting a grin. "Fuck off. Go get some wine or something. It's almost done."

Fili pouted but admitted defeat, grabbing a couple of glasses from the cupboard. "It's your own fault, you know," he pointed out, opening a fresh bottle. "Who the hell cooks naked? And how'm I supposed to resist that ass?"

"Well, I didn't plan to cook naked," Kili replied. "I took a shower after I got home, and just didn't put anything else on." He shot Fili a wicked look over his shoulder. "And didn't anyone ever tell you that good things come to those who wait?"

Fili grumbled something unkind under his breath but poured the wine, carrying a glass over to the table along with the bottle before leaning against the doorway again as he went back to watching Kili, sipping from his own glass as he did. They talked idly as Kili finished up, Fili telling him about his day at work and Kili telling him about the giant bumblebee that had apparently followed him all the way home from the ice cream shop. All the while Fili couldn't keep his eyes off Kili's body, his hips still swinging in rhythm to the music, and more than once Fili found himself reaching down to adjust his half hard dick in his pants. 

"Done!" Kili declared finally, sprinkling some garnish over the fancy looking pasta dish he'd created. "Grab a plate bro," he added, taking his own and sidling past Fili for the table. Fili grabbed his plate, pausing to add more black pepper (Kili never put enough on) and when he turned around he couldn't help groaning outloud. 

"Seriously?" he said, staring at his younger brother. Kili had tugged off his apron, tossing it on the hook on the wall, and was sitting at the table with his legs spread wide, naked except for the pearls and shoes, cock half hard against his thigh.

"What?" Kili asked innocently, giving Fili an angelic smile around a mouthful of pasta. 

"Such a jerk," Fili grumbled, heading over to join his brother at the table. 

The meal was actually delicious - Fili was always surprised with how well Kili could cook, especially since he himself could barely boil water without burning it - and for a couple minutes at least Fili lost himself in the delicious flavours on his tongue. Then he made the mistake of looking up, and nearly choked at the sight of Kili, head tipped back and eyes closed in bliss as he apparently REALLY enjoyed his pasta. Fili coughed a little, and Kili looked up at him, arching his brow in a way that said he knew exactly what he was doing to his brother.

"Pasta okay?" He questioned, oh so sweetly, and Fili just glared at him. 

"You know it's delicious, asshole."

"Well geez. You don't sound very grateful Fee." He smirked at Fili, and then swirled a finger through the sauce on his plate. "Whoops," he declared, before sucking it off obscenely, and Fili just groaned. 

"Stop," he protested, laughing a little. "Oh my god Kili, you're awful."

Kili beamed at him in response. "Stop what?" he asked, laughing a little before he leaned back in his chair and propped his leg up on the table, stretching it out to show sharply defined muscles, and let Fili get a good look at the strappy purple thing on his foot. "Stop this?" he continued, goading his brother on. He leaned forward a little. "Or what?"

Fili shivered at the heat in his brother's eyes, but he met his gaze cooly, leaning forward to mirror his posture. "Or I'm not going to be able to wait till we get upstairs to fuck you." 

Fili watched as a full body shudder ran through Kili, his eyes falling shut for a moment. When he opened them again they were nearly black. He swallowed hard, but the smile he gave Fili was purely wicked. "Promises, promises," he teased. 

Kili had never been one to resist a challenge, or tormenting his brother, and so he took his time eating, making sure to make noises of pleasure around his food, licking every drop from his fork in between bites and sucking his fingertips clean. Fili was shifting around in his seat almost constantly, his cheeks flushed, and he was barely tasting his meal anymore, too focused on Kili sitting across from him. It was a moment before Fili even noticed that Kili's free arm had disappeared beneath the table, and when Kili made a sudden, low noise, Fili blinked at him, noticing the muscles of his upper arm bunching and releasing. 

"Jesus Kee, are you-?"

Kili laughed, the sound dissolving into a low groan. "Uh... Yeah," he sighed, hips bucking a little into his touch. He focused lazy eyes on Fili, and beneath the table his leg came up, smooth sole of his shoe sliding along Fili's thigh, the heel catching and dragging along the fabric a little. "Wanna see?"

"Jesus Christ on a..." Fili shoved his chair back suddenly, the legs squealing over the linoleum as he made his way over to Kili. Kili just leaned back in his chair, blinking up at him with dark eyes, his bangs falling into his face, and Fili nearly whimpered at the sight of Kili's cock, thick and hard in his fist. "Such a fucking brat," he muttered, and as Kili smirked up at him, Fili fisted his hands in the long brown locks, tipping Kili's head back roughly for a downright dirty kiss. Kili moaned against his lips, hands coming up to grip at Fili's waist, trying to pull him closer as his hips bucked in his chair. "So fucking... Annoying," Fili muttered, biting at Kili's lips and making him moan. 

Kili's long fingers teased along the waistband of Fili's dress pants, dipping beneath them and tugging at the material before sliding them up under his shirt, scratching his nails over his ribcage. Fili's breath caught, body shuddering, and then he gripped Kili's biceps hard, pulling him to his feet and shoving him back against the table so that their bodies lined up. He shoved his way between Kili's legs, rocking against him, and couldn't help grinning at the absolutely desperate noise that slipped out of Kili's mouth as the rough fabric dragged over his aching cock. 

"Like that?" Fili huffed out, kissing under Kili's jaw and dragging his teeth along his pulse point. "Want me to fuck you right here? Right on the kitchen table? Will that get you to be good?"

Kili huffed out a soft laugh, hands scrabbling over Fili's back, wrinkling the crisp white cotton. "Ye-es," he groaned out, rutting against Fili. "Come on Fee, please." His hands slid down over Fili's chest, pulling sharply at his shirt. Half the buttons popped off, but Fili couldn't find it in himself to complain as he gripped Kili's thighs, dragging them around his waist. Kili shoved his shirt off over his shoulders, and Fili shoved everything on the table out of the way, leaning over Kili and pressing him down flat on the hard wood. Kili whined, hands moving frantically over Fili's waist as he unfastened his pants, shoving them down over his hips. Fili was hard, boxer briefs pulled tight over his thick cock, and Kili groaned, stroking him through the material. Fili's eyes fluttered shut against his will, and he leaned forward with a low groan, forehead resting against Kili's. His lips were moving against Kili's skin, not quite finding his lips as Kili stroked him just right, knowing all the little spots that made his brother tick. When Kili shifted a hand to rub his tight balls through the fabric, Fili all but howled, shifting his head to sink his teeth into Kili's collarbone. 

"Oh Christ, you bastard," Fili managed, huffing out a soft laugh, managing to pull away enough to shove his briefs down over his hips, kicking them off and nearly tripping himself in the process. "Thought the point was for me to fuck you."

Kili leaned back, blinking up at Fili expectantly. "What's stopping you then?" 

Fili growled and then he was gripping Kili's wrists, slamming them against the table and pinning them above his head as he kissed him hard, their bodies rocking together. Desperate moans slipped from their mouths, lost in the heavy panting of their breaths as their cocks dragged against each other, providing perfect friction. Fili let go of Kili's wrists with one hand, sweeping out around the table as he searched desperately for something to use for lube. 

"Butter… Butter dish," Kili choked out, whining through his teeth as Fili shifted, his thigh pressing just right against his dick. Fili gave him a strange look but looked in the promised place, arching an eyebrow when he instead found a small bottle of lube under the silver cover. 

"Seriously?"

"What?" Kili replied, sugar sweet. "I like to be prepared."

Fili opened his mouth to give him a smart ass retort, but then Kili was spreading his legs wider, looping them around Fili's waist to draw him in and digging the heel of his shoe into the swell of his ass. Fili's eyes rolled back in his head, the sensation turning him on more than he ever would have expected, and he had to squeeze the base of his cock to keep from coming all over Kili's abdomen. 

"Come on," Kili whined, every bit the petulant younger brother as his hands ran over Fili's chest, fingers curling against the thick blond hair there. "You gonna fuck me, or do I have to do it myself?" 

Fili growled at that and then he was fisting his hands in the long strand of pearls. Kili's eyes went a little wide as he used them to pull him upright enough to kiss him hard, teeth clacking together and nipping lips, and Fili smirked as he felt his brother's cock throb against his hip. Letting go of the pearls, Fili grinned wider as Kili gripped at his shoulders so he could keep kissing him while Fili dribbled lube onto his fingers. 

"Two," Kili panted out against his lips, hitching his leg up higher over Fili's hip. "I'm good for two, just…" He whined, hips bucking. "Come on Fee…" 

Nodding, Fili dragged his hand down over Kili's hip before pressing two fingers into him without warning, making Kili howl in pleasure and fall back against the table, blinking sightlessly up at the ceiling as Fili stretched him quickly. Fili's breath was coming in short sharp pants now, and he couldn't resist leaning forward, tonguing at Kili's nipple as he pressed in a third finger. Kili whined, one hand coming up to tangle in Fili's hair as his hips rocked into the rhythm of his brother's fingers. 

"Fuck," he choked out, head tipping back as Fili sucked a bruise into the hollow of his throat. "Fuck, fuck Fili. I'm good, I'm good, please." 

He was rambling, and Fili smirked, pulling his hands free and ignoring Kili's whine at the loss. He poured more lube onto his hand, tossing the bottle across the table somewhere before he stroked himself a few times, slicking himself up. He had to force himself to stop as he leaned over Kili, chest to chest, and pushed his legs higher. 

"Ready baby boy?" he teased, nipping at the corner of Kili's mouth, and Kili practically sobbed. 

"You're such a fucking… asshole," he choked out, digging his heel into Fili's ass once more. "Yes, fuck, come on!" 

Fili laughed and then he was shifting and pressing into Kili, one hand holding his brother's wrists down as he slid in, not stopping until he was buried all the way inside him, balls brushing against Kili's ass. Kili was writhing and twisting and whining beneath him, and Fili's forehead dropped against his shoulder, breathing hard against Kili's hot skin as he gave them both a moment to adjust. 

"The fuck are you stopping for?" Kili growled, wrists flexing against Fili's hold. He jerked his hips, doing his best to fuck himself on Fili's cock with the limited amount of movement he had. "God, you're so fucking bad at this," he muttered, sounding so annoyed that Fili let out a startled huff of laughter. 

"Oh really?" he replied, lifting his head to meet Kili's eyes, blown black with pleasure. "That's not what your face is saying," he purred, and before Kili could reply, he was pulling nearly all the way out and slamming back in. Kili howled again, back arching right off the table, and Fili smirked before kissing him, rough and messy, missing his mark half the time as he started to fuck Kili properly. They fell into a fast, desperate rhythm, too turned on from all the teasing to bother with any sort of finesse. Kili keened, fingers scratching over Fili's shoulders as his brother fucked him hard, shifting him across the table with the force of it. Fili couldn't help smirking as Kili whined, unable to even form words, and he leaned forward, taking Kili's earlobe into his mouth and biting. "Still think I'm bad at this?" he laughed, the sound dissolving into a low groan as Kili clenched perfectly around him. 

"No, no, fuck no," Kili panted out, rocking into the thrusts and eyes falling shut. "Shit Fee, you're amazing. You're fucking incredible…" His words trailed off into a high-pitched moan as he shifted his hips, trying to get just the perfect angle. He hitched a leg up around Fili's waist again, the sharp heel of his shoe dragging through the thick hair on the back of Fili's thigh and scraping his skin. Fili made a choked off noise at the feeling, pressing down against Kili again as he fucked him that much harder, his younger brother's cock rubbing against his abdomen and making them both groan. 

"Kili," he gasped, hissing as Kili tried to find traction, heel scraping more skin and sending startled shocks of pleasured pain through his body. Fili peppered desperate, hungry kisses over Kili's face, losing all sense of rhythm in favour of desperate, uneven thrusts into the hot body beneath him. There was a sheen of sweat over Kili's chest and abdomen, he could feel the slick of it as he ground their bodies together, and the feeling only made his cock throb. Kili, meanwhile, choked as his hips finally found the right angle, causing Fili's cock to drag across his prostate with each thrust. Kili whined, clenching down hard, and Fili groaned, his eyes falling shut. "Shit Kee, I'm so fucking close," he panted down, rolling his hips into his little brother and feeling his cock jerk against his abdomen, stick pre come beading at the top and smearing against his stomach. Kili just nodded desperately as he arched up, fingers scrabbling for purchase against Fili's back. 

"Yes," he whined, eyes falling shut as Fili slammed into him, dragging perfectly over his prostate every time. He whined, torn between rocking down into Fili's thrusts, or up for friction on his desperate cock. "Just… Fili, please," he choked out, head tipping back against the table. Fili couldn't resist that temptation, and leaned up, biting along Kili's throat and the underside of his chin, smirking against his skin at the drag of stubble against his lips. 

"Yeah," he purred out, hand coming down down to circle Kili's cock. A smile split his lips further at the nearly pained noise that Kili let out, and he licked away a trail of sweat from his neck. "Easy Kee," he purred out. "I've got you." 

Kili was tense beneath him, cock thick and heavy in Fili's hand, and his balls were drawn up tight. Fili offered him a few lazy strokes in counterpoint to the thrust of his hip before pressing his thumb firmly against Kili's frenulum and rubbing, in a move that never failed to cause his little brother to loose his mind. Today was no exception, and Kili fairly screamed, back arching as tight as his favourite bow as he came, spilling pearly white over his abdomen, thick spurts catching in the dark hair of his chest. 

Fili fucked him hard then, abandoning Kili's cock to brace himself against the table, needing just that little bit to push him over the edge. Kili was gasping beneath him, panting for air as his cock twitched feebly against his stomach, softening slowly. His lips were moving, trying to kiss Fili but mostly failing, and as his leg slipped down from Fili's hip, the heel of his shoe dragging down the length of Fili's thigh before digging in just below his knee, Fili lost it. He groaned, gripping Kili's hips hard as he buried himself inside his younger brother, pulsing thick and deep inside him. 

For a minute there was silence throughout the room, marked only by their harsh breaths as they tried to recover and the occasional sloppy, misplaced kiss. Carefully, Fili pulled out of Kili with a slick sound, managing to move enough to collapse half on the table and half on top of Kili himself. The angle sucked, and he knew if he stayed like that for too long his back was going to protest and refuse to let him stand up, but for the moment he didn't especially care. He reached out to toy lazily with the pearls still around Kili's neck, now haphazardly pulled to one side. 

"So," Kili said finally, and it was a minute before Fili could open his eyes and focus them on Kili. He blinked at him, arching his brow in a way that he hope conveyed 'go on,' and Kili smirked. "The shoes are a keeper then?" he asked sweetly, and Fili smacked his stomach before sliding off his brother and into a heap on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is interested, the shoes in question can be found here: http://vi.sualize.us/wehear_entry_23982588_via_roybotvision_y_heels_shoes_purple_picture_vDGL.html


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili plans a surprise, Thorin and Bilbo argue, and shit gets real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, as always, to possessed-bylight for listening while I bounce ideas off her and to jynx for reading ahead and encouraging me to write. Thanks ladies!

Though Kili didn't know it, Fili had meant it about going away for the weekend. When Kili had finally managed to haul himself upright long enough to kick off the shoes and jump in the shower, Fili had tugged off the rest of own his clothing before padding naked down to hall to retrieve his laptop bag. He flipped it open on the table, keeping one ear open for the sound of the shower turning off as he researched just the right beachfront hotel. 

Feeling extremely pleased with himself, Fili booked the reservation, slamming the laptop shut just as Kili came wandering back out, towel knotted around his waist. He took one look at Fili and arched a brow.

"What?" he questioned, because Fili was terrible at keeping secrets, and it was written in the smug smile all over his face. 

"Nothing," he replied in a sing song voice, and Kili just rolled his eyes. 

"You're a terrible liar, you know that?" He pressed closer, grinning as Fili's knees spread apart slightly, letting him stand between. "Tell me," he whined, giving Fili his best pout. 

Fili arched an eyebrow, smirking at him. "Maybe I was just thinking about how I'd really like to blow you right now."

He didn't miss the slight twitch of Kili's hips toward him, but Kili just shook his head, side eyeing his brother. "Nope, that's not it," he decided, but before he could pout further, Fili had swiped his towel and taken off down the hall with it. And of course, there was no way he could let that go, chasing off after his brother. The two of them ran whopping and hollering through the house until they ended up in the bedroom. Kili managed to trip Fili, who landed on the bed in a heap, barely managing to hide the towel under his body as he went. He grunted as Kili promptly jumped on his back, trying to reach under Fili and tug it free, tickling his brother in the process. 

Eventually Fili conceded defeat, rolling onto his back and chuckling as Kili snatched away the towel, waving it triumphantly in the hair, damp hair curling around his face. 

"You're an idiot," Fili told him fondly, reaching up to tug a tangle free from the long brown hair. Kili beamed. 

"Your idiot," he replied, leaning to kiss Fili lazily as he snorted against Kili's lips. 

"That was terrible. You watch too many rom coms."

"Probably," Kili agreed cheerfully, stretching out so that he was half beside and half on top of Fili. He shifted, half hard cock pressing against Fili's thigh, and Fili arched a brow at him. 

"Seriously? Did I not just fuck your brains out in the kitchen?"

Kili shrugged, nibbling over Fili's shoulder. "You're cute when you giggle. And not all of us are so old we can't get it up more than twice a night." He grinned then, a wicked spark in his eye. "Besides. It was mediocre at best."

"Mediocre?!" Fili replied, spluttering a little. Grumbling, he shoved Kili onto his back, straddling him and glaring down at Kili's stupid smile. "I'll show you mediocre," he muttered, kissing his way down Kili's chest. 

Thankfully, two orgasms were enough to knock Kili out, and while his brother was snoring away, stretched out over as much of the king-sized bed as he could possibly manage, Fili packed a bag for Kili and one for himself, sneaking downstairs to throw them in the back of the Range Rover, covering them with a blanket on the off chance Kili happened to look in there before noon the next day. Pleased with himself, despite the late hour, Fili headed up to bed. He groaned when he saw the clock, realizing he'd have to be up in about four hours if he wanted to get in to work early, but one look at Kili's peaceful face, lips slack in sleep, made it all worth it. Humming happily, Fili slipped beneath the covers, pulling Kili close as he drifted into sleep. 

The next morning came all too early, the alarm blaring obnoxiously in Fili's ear. He batted at it a few times before managing to shut it off, groaning when he realized it was only just starting to get light out. Beside him, Kili whined, burying his head under a pillow. 

"Fuckin time s'it?" he slurred, hands clutching the pillow tight. 

"Four," Fili answered, stifling a yawn, and there was a beat of silence. 

"Four?" Kili repeated, the pillow pulling away slightly. He blinked up at Fili. "The hell are you getting up at four for?"

Fili just shrugged, sitting up and trying to find the energy to go stand. "Have some extra work to do," he lied, exhaustion making it believable. "Wanted to go in early, get it done. Go back to sleep, Kee."

Kili didn't though, sitting up and frowning at him. "You look exhausted, Fili. You're gonna burn out." His frowned deepened as he moved closer. "What time did you go to bed last night? Did you keep working after I fell asleep?"

"Uh, yeah?" Fili agreed, feeling only a little guilty for lying to his brother since it was, technically, true. Kili sighed. 

"Fili..." He wrapped his arms around Fili's shoulders, burying his face against his neck. "Don't go into work today," he said softly. "It's Friday. Stay home with me, you need a day off."

Fili grinned while Kili couldn't see him, and rubbed a hand over his bare back. "You know I can't."

Kili pulled back, still frowning as his forehead rested against Fili's. "You're working too hard," he insisted, one hand coming up to scrape his knuckles over Fili's cheek, catching on the stubble there.

Fili just shrugged again. "Part of the territory, unfortunately." He grinned, nipping at Kili's nose. "I gotta work, if you want me to be your sugar daddy."

Kili rolled his eyes. "Stop it. I'm serious, Fili. I'm worried about you."

Felling guilt gnaw at his belly, Fili leaned in, kissing Kili softly. "Don't be. I'm fine," he reassured him, pulling away with a groan. "Except that I am going to be late if I don't get a move on."

Thorin looked surprised to see Fili at his desk when he came in that morning, and when he asked how long he'd been there, and Fili told him three hours, he gave him a nod of approval. Fili hoped that would butter up him enough that when he came in to tell him he was leaving at noon, he wouldn't throw anything at him. 

As luck would have it, Bilbo was in there with him when Fili slipped past the door a little before eleven. the two of them were actually having tea and crumpets, and Fili tried really hard not to laugh. Thorin looked just the slightest bit embarrassed, but Bilbo just ushered Fili in like it was Bag End, offering him tea and asking him about Kili and himself. 

Thorin let them get away with a few minutes of small talk before he arched an eyebrow at Fili, already seeing right through him. "Is there something I can help you with?" he questioned, and Fili gave him his best imitation of Kili's smile. 

"Can't I drop by to say hi to my favourite uncle?"

Thorin just blinked at him. "I happen to know that Frerin is your favourite uncle. What do you want?"

Fili gave him a guilty smile. "Ummm. I'm going to leave at noon today. That's okay, right?"

Thorin gave a great, put upon sigh. "And I suppose that's why you arrived early this morning?" He didn't bother to wait for a response. "May I ask why you have to leave five hours early?"

Fili scratched the back of his neck. "I booked a weekend away for Kili and me. He doesn't know about it yet, and it's a few hours away, and I want to get going."

Thorin sighed, leaning back in his chair. "And what about that meeting this afternoon?"

"Well... I mean, you don't really need me there, right? It's just for experience, sitting in, but I've sat in on plenty of these meetings before, I know how they go."

It was the wrong answer. "That's not the point, Fili," Thorin told him impatiently. "We have clients, and you can't just-"

"I think it's a fantastic idea," Bilbo interrupted suddenly, bringing the other two men's attention back on him. "I hope you have an amazing time."

Thorin snorted. "You would," he muttered, and Bilbo arched an eyebrow at him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he questioned, and to his credit, Thorin had the sense to look just a little bit nervous.

"Well, only that you don't really understand the complexities of a business of this magnitude. Fili can't just run off-"

"You're not the only one who runs a business, Thorin Oakenshield," Bilbo interrupted.

"Yes, well. Your little bookstore isn't exactly on the same level of-"

"So now you're criticizing my bookstore too?"

"I didnt say that!"

As Thorin and Bilbo got into it properly, arguing as per usual, Fili slid toward the door, hoping to escape unnoticed. He was almost at the door when Bilbo turned toward him, giving him a quick wink as Fili headed out and back to his office. 

Feeling giddy, and counting down the hours now, Fili settled at his desk and picked up the phone, glad that Kili couldn't see the stupid grin on his face. Kili sounded sleepy when he answered - probably just woken up, the asshole - and Fili fought to keep the grin out of his voice. 

"Hey, so listen. I was thinking about what you said, and why don't we get lunch this afternoon, you and me?"

"Yeah?" Kili asked, and Fili could hear the excitement in his voice. "What's the occasion? You get fired or something?"

"No," Fili snorted, rolling his eyes. "I was just thinking about what you said this morning. I can even take an extra hour or so, be late coming back."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Okay. Well..." Kili gave a jaw cracking yawn. "Where do you want to meet?"

"Well why don't I come home and get you?"

"Ah, that kind of lunch eh?" Kili snorted with laughter, apparently thinking he was hilarious. 

"No, you jerk. I have a place in mind, but I want to surprise you." The grin spread back across Fili's face but he cleared his throat, steeling himself so that his voice didnt make that ridiculous sound it always did when he was excited about something. 

"A surprise, huh?" Kili sounded pleased. "I like surprises."

"Good. I'll be home around twelve thirty."

"I'll be there with bells on. Only bells, in fact, if you want. Maybe just tied around my co-"

"Good bye, Kili." 

Laughing to himself, Fili hung up the phone, buckling down to work so be would be able to leave on time. 

When he got home at exactly 12:26, Kili was waiting in the kitchen, wearing his best jeans, and Fili's favourite t-shirt, the one that had shrunk just a little in the wash and showed off every single bit of muscle in his chest and arms and back. His leg was jiggling impatiently with excitement, and Fili grinned as he made his way down toward him. 

"Ohh," he purred, moving to stand between his legs as bending down to give him a lazy kiss. "Don't you look nice."

Kili shrugged, trying not to laugh. "You're taking time off work. It's a special occasion. I figured I should dress up a little."

Fili did laugh, pulling back again. "Just let me go change."

"Change?" Kili repeated, wrinkling his nose in confusion. Fili just grinned, heading down the hall and taking the stairs two at a time and ignoring Kili's call of, "why do you have to change?"

He was back a couple minutes later, in jeans and a t-shirt as well, and Kili eyed him suspiciously. "Ready?" Fili asked brightly, and Kili nodded, getting to his feet.

"You going to tell me where we're going now?"

"Nope!" And when Kili started for the front door, Fili steered him toward the garage instead. "We're taking the car."

"The car?" Kili replied, looking more and more suspicious. "Fee, why are we taking the car?"

Fili just hummed innocently, ignoring Kili's questions as they got in the car and he pulled out of the driveway. Kili kept grumbling about driving, and how no one drove in the city, and it wasn't until they arrived at the city limits and kept going that he clued in. 

"Fili?" he questioned, turning to face his brother and looking at him seriously. "Are you going to kill me and bury the body where no one will find it?"

Fili burst out laughing and then reached into the pocket in the door, digging out the reservation confirmation he'd printed out the night before. "Surprise, asshole," he laughed, handing it to Kili and watching him out of the corner of his eye as he read it over. 

"We're going here?" Kili asked, looking up at him. "Tonight?"

"For the weekend," Fili clarified. "I meant it about going away for the weekend." He reached over, squeezing Kili's thigh. "Just you and me. No work, no phone calls. Just us."

Kili was beaming like Fili had just told him Christmas had come early, and he leaned over, giving Fili a big, wet, sloppy kiss on the cheek and making him laugh. "I can't believe you kept this a secret," be laughed, digging out his phone to look up the place. "You are the best brother ever." He glanced up again, waggling his eyebrows ridiculously. "Best boyfriend too."

For awhile Kili kept him entertained with all the details of the place they would be staying at. (Couples massages, Fee! We are so doing that, and then I'm going to fuck you while you're all lazy and out of it... Look at the pool!... Parasailing, oh no, I've always wanted to do that!... Is that our room? Look at the size of the bed!) Fili had just laughed, promising they would manage to fit in everything he wanted to do, and that yes, he had splurged on the best guest room he could get. Kili's enthusiasm was contagious, and he found himself grinning as he listened, his hand still resting on his brother's thigh, thumb stroking absently over the outside seam of his jeans. 

Kili had never been a good passenger for long car rides though, and nearly an hour in, his head was tipped back against the headrest, mouth open as he snored loudly. Fili grinned at him fondly, and for just a moment his heart physically ached with how much he loved his brother. After everything they'd been through, after watching him die, he sometimes still couldn't believe that they could have found each other again. He didn't really care if Thorin was pissed, he was glad he was taking time off. They needed this.

It was another hour before Fili started to get sleepy as well. He'd had late nights all the past week, and the last night had been the worst by far. He yawned, eyes feeling heavy, and then jerked as he blinked a few times, refocusing on the road in front of him. Rolling his shoulders, he sat up straighter, forcing his eyes wide. When they grew heavy again, he turned on the radio and blasted the air conditioning, turning the fans toward his face. Kili slept on, because he could sleep through anything, and Fili considered waking him up for some company, but he looked so peaceful that Fili didn't have it in himself to do it. 

When he found his shoulders curling forward again, body tilting toward the dashboard, Fili blinked at the clock, wondering if he should maybe pull over for a bit. But the hotel was only about forty five minutes away, he reasoned. He would be fine for forty five minutes. And the beds had these gorgeous plush white duvets that you could just sink into. Maybe he could have a nap before taking Kili for a nice, quiet dinner. 

He looked over at his brother again, not noticing his hands following suit and pulling the car to the right. Kili's hair had fallen in front of his face, his head tilted toward Fili, lips parted and pale in the light, and Fili's breath caught because something about the sight was familiar and unsettling. His eyes drifted shut again as he stared at his brother, and then the car shuddered, wheel jerking in his grasp. 

Fili shot awake, just as the smashed into the guardrail at a hundred kilometers an hour and the car flipped. Time seemed to slow down as they rolled, the bags he had so carefully packed flying around in the backseat, and as Fili looked over at Kili once more, he realized that image seemed so familiar because Kili had looked the same way as he died in his arms at Erebor. Fili felt tears spring in his eyes, opened his mouth to breathe an apology, and then the car slammed into a tree and he knew no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides*


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili remembers stuff

"Kili!"

Amidst the screams and clashing of metal of the battle around them, Fili's voice rang out. Kili looked up, meeting his panicked eyes just before icy heat tore through his body. An agonized scream was ripped from his throat against his will and he looked down to see sharp metal sticking through his chest. He heard his brother scream his name again, voice rent with terror, and then his uncle's lower voice echoing the call. Time slowed as he stared down at himself in shock, wondering if this was real, if this was even his own body. Then he let out another piercing scream as the orc blade was twisted sharply and then pulled back out as effortlessly as it had been shoved through in the first place. Pain tearing through his body, Kili dropped to his knees, hands clutching uselessly at the gaping wound at his breastbone. He could hear noises all around him, cries of anger, and fear, but they all seemed to blend together, half disappearing under the sound of his own desperate gasps for air, pulse roaring in his ears. His mouth tasted rusty and he coughed, fear striking through when bright red spurts of blood splattered on the ground. 

"Fili?" he cried out, not caring if he sounded like a frightened dwarfling. "Fili!" 

Tears sprung to his eyes, his body shaking as he tasted more blood on his tongue, but then there were warm hands on his body, one high between his shoulder blades, the other covering his own hands on his chest. "I'm here," Fili told him, voice clear among the chaos around them. "I'm here, Kee." 

Kili nodded, blinking the sweat from his eyes to meet Fili's eyes. Though his brother's face was white with fear, he said nothing as he helped lower Kili to his back, brushing the hair back from his forehead. "Thorin," Kili choked out, panic and fear lacing his voice as he coughed up more blood. "Where's Thorin?" 

"He's fine, Kili," Fili lied, not telling him that, distracted by the sight of his youngest nephew, Thorin had been struck, and Fili hadn't seen where he had fallen. "We're all fine." He pressed a soft kiss to his brother's forehead, fighting back the tears that threatened to choke him. "We're all going to be fine." 

Kili nodded again, his breathing shallow and harsh as his hands clutched at Fili's arms, not daring to let his brother go. "I wanted… I was going to… I wanted to save you." he gasped, hand coming up to brush over the nasty looking wound above Fili's left eye, gaze sliding over the various wounds littering his brother's body. "I wanted to keep you safe." 

A strange noise escaped from Fili's throat and he ducked his head, resting his forehead against Kili's so that his brother wouldn't see the tears in his eyes. "You did," he promised him, pressing harsh kisses against his brother's skin. "You did good, Kee." 

Kili started to cough then, more blood spilling from his lips as he gasped desperately for air. His eyes were glazed as he forced himself to search out Fili, focus on his brother. "I'm… I'm not going to make it home, am I?" he whispered, and Fili shook his head, feeling sick. 

"No." he choked out. "No Kee, don't think like that. You're going to be fine, I promise. Just hold on." He looked up, searching desperately for someone who could help them. They had ended up behind an outcropping of rocks, which thankfully kept them protected from their enemies for awhile, but it was only a matter of time before someone found them. "Just hold on, Kee. Please," he begged. 

Kili just shook his head, a soft laugh slipping past his lips, the sound wet with blood. "You always were a terrible liar, Fee." He blinked again, eyes filling with tears as his chest grew tight, hands clutching desperately at his older brother. "I… Tell momma I love her? And I'm sorry?" 

Fili just shook his head, throat tight with tears. "No Kili, tell her yourself, when the battle is over. You're going to be fine."

"And don't… Don't tell Thorin I cried," he whispered, continuing as if Fili hadn't spoken. 

Fili sobbed, pressing his forehead back against Kili's and kissing the blood from his lips. "He'll be so proud of you," he promised. "So proud, just like I am." He squeezed Kili's hands tightly, feeling them weaken in his grasp. He looked up again, hoping for someone, anyone who could help them, and instead felt icy terror grip his heart as his eyes locked with a monstrous orc across the way, the creature's lips curling into a hideous smile as he began slow steps toward them. Breath quickening, Fili looked back down at his Kili, watching the difficulty he was having in focusing. "Come on Kili, stay with me," he pleaded. 

Kili made a sound that was half laugh and half sob, doing his best to meet Fili's eyes, but gaze locking somewhere around his nose instead. "I'm scared, Fee," he admitted, the fear in his voice tearing Fili's heart apart. 

"Don't be," he breathed, kissing him again. "I'm right here, Kili. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay with you." He looked up, meeting the orc's eyes as it drew closer, raising it's blade in the air. Fili swallowed hard, but met its gaze steadily. "I'm not going anywhere," he repeated, turning back to Kili. His brother was now gasping for breath, legs scrabbling in the dirt as he choked on his own blood, and Fili squeezed his hand with all the strength he possessed. "Just hold on," he breathed, curling his body around him. "I'm right behind you, little brother." Then Kili's body went still, and Fili lifted his head to stare at him in horror. "Kili?" he questioned, tears spilling over his cheeks. "Kili!" 

Kili could no longer see, the pain had drifted away, and he knew he was already gone. But still he could hear his brother's voice, calling his name, the sound familiar, and safe. As he drifted away he clung to that last memory, wishing he could reassure Fili somehow that he wasn't scared anymore, that he was warm, that he loved him, and would wait here for his brother. There was the sound of metal being drawn and then - 

"Kili. Kili Durin. Sir, can you hear me?" 

Kili blinked, trying to focus on the faces above him. "I- what?" he muttered, trying to figure out what was going on. His head ached, and his right wrist throbbed, but there was none of the excruciating pain tearing through his body from before. He sat up suddenly, staring down at his chest, as he tried to reconcile his memories from before with his life now. 

"Mr. Durin!" one of the paramedics said, more sharply this time. "Can you hear me?"

Kili blinked at them, ears ringing as he looked around. "What... Happened?" he questioned. 

"There's been an accident, Mr. Durin. Can you tell me what you remember?"

"I... We were driving, I guess I fell asleep, I... Fili," he gasped, looking around for his brother. "Where's Fili?"

"Mr. Durin, we need you to-"

Kili shoved at the arm pressing against his chest, trying to get him to lie down. "Where's Fili?" he demanded again, voice increasing in pitch. "Where the fuck is my…" He trailed off as his eyes finally landed on the range rover some distance away, flipped upside down and utterly wrecked. It was surrounded by a crew of firemen and paramedics, working at getting the door off, and Kili felt his heart plummet as he spotted the figure inside, dangling upside down, body limp. "Fili?" he screamed, struggling to get off the stretcher. "Fili!" 

There was no movement from the car as the paramedics wrestled with him, trying to get him to lay still on the stretcher. Kili just struggled against them, fighting their holds, trying to see his brother and ignoring their request for him to calm down so they could examine him. They managed to restrain one arm before Kili punched one of them in the jaw, using the momentary distraction to get his arm free and slide off the stretcher. He made it halfway to the car before a wave of dizziness washed over him, and he slid to his knees, watching as they finally pulled Fili free of the car, loading him onto a stretcher and immediately rushing off with him. There was a crowd of people surrounding him, too many people, all running and shouting, and through them all, Kili could just see Fili, eerily still with one arm hanging limply over the side of the bed. 

"Fili?" he whispered, choking a little on his own voice. "Fili!" he screamed again, taking a couple steps forward before nearly pitching face first onto the asphalt as nausea washed over him. Strong arms gripped his biceps, steering him back toward the ambulance, but he struggled against them. "Stop! Is that my… Is he dead?" he yelled, desperately trying to make it to the other ambulance. "He needs me, I need my brother. Let. Go!" 

There were more paramedics now though, and police officers too, and he couldn't find against them all. Distantly, Kili heard someone call for a sedative, and he fought tooth and nail, screaming Fili's name in the hopes he would wake up. He felt the sharp prick of the needle in his arm, and as his vision started to go hazy, he felt tears spill from his eyes, Fili's name still on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just really wanted to write a BoFA scene, okay? XD


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kili wakes up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I should mention that my medical knowledge consists of twelve-year-old episodes of ER so I apologize if everything here is completely inaccurate.

Kili could hear Fili calling his name. There was laughter in his voice, and Kili pouted a little as he walked through the trees, searching out his older brother. 

"Fee?" he called, looking up through the sheets of green, branches so thick they blocked out the sky. "Fee, where are you?"

"Come on Kili," Fili's voice replied, seeming to be behind him, and before him, and above him, and everywhere all at once. "You can't get me if you don't find me."

Kili furrowed his brow as the wood seemed to grow darker, stamping his foot like a child. "Fee, come on. This isn't funny any more. Fili!"

"Kili!" his brother called back in response, the sound turning to a sing songy echo that bounced off the trees "kiiiiiili. Kili. Come find me, Kili."

Kili woke with a start, blinking up at the white washed ceilings above him as he tried to remember where he was. His hand twitched against scratchy, worn sheets, and there was movement beside him. 

Thorin sat up at the sight of Kili's eyes opening, tugging at the tie around his neck. He'd been in the middle of a business meeting when the call had come in about the boys, and he'd run out without a second thought, hadn't even thought until now about having someone send over a change of clothes. He scrubbed a hand over his face, rubbing at his tired eyes and sighing when Kili didn't speak or move. "Kili?" he prompted gently, doing his best to smile when he finally turned his head to meet his gaze. 

Everything came back to Kili in a rush then, and he struggled to sit up, Thorin immediately shifting forward to help him. 

"Easy... Easy," he said soothingly. 

"Where's Fili?" Kili demanded. "I need to see Fili."

"Kili. Just sit still. You may have a concussion, you need to take it easy."

Kili shook his head, trying to get off the bed. "I need to see Fili," he insisted. "PLEASE, Uncle Thorin."

Thorin sighed, shifting forward to stroke a hand through his hair, like he hadn't done since Kili was a child. "You can't see him, Kili. Not now."

Kili felt sick, his breath catching in his throat. "Is he... Tell me he's not...?"

"He's not dead," Thorin promised him, and Kili felt his body go weak in relief. "He's in surgery though. There's swelling in his brain, among other things." His hand slid lower, stroking over Kili's back. "They're not sure if he'll wake again, Kili."

Kili stared at him, eyes wide and uncomprehending. "I... What?"

Thorin sighed, explaining everything that the doctors had told them, but Kili barely took his words in, only hearing that his brother might never wake up, that he might never see him, or talk to him, or kiss him again. Thorin's hand stayed warm and comforting on his back, rubbing over his spine while Kili stared at his hands, picking at a tear in the thin blanket that was covering him. 

"Where's, uh... Where's mom?" he asked quietly. 

"She's in the waiting room with Frerin, waiting for the doctors to finish Fili's surgery. She's been going back and forth between you…" Thorin hesitated, hand still stroking over his youngest nephews back as Kili continued blinking at the blanket. "Would you like me to get her for you?" 

Kili shook his head quickly; as much as he wanted his mother there, he didn't think he would able to hold it together if he saw the sympathy on her face. "No, I'm-" He swiped angrily at his cheeks, rubbing at the tears that were spilling without his consent. "I'm fine." He choked then, a sound somewhere between a whimper and a sob and turned his head to face the far wall, biting down on his fist to stifle the sobs that threatened to tear free. He didn't want his uncle, strong and capable Thorin Durin, watching his youngest nephew fall apart like a child. 

Thorin sighed as he watched Kili fight back tears, his own heart aching as he took in the tense lines of Kili's back. He was trying so hard to be strong, and Thorin wondered when he had stopped running to his uncle for help solving his problems. 

Thorin knew Kili wanted to be alone and got to his feet. But rather than heading for the door, he nudged Kili aside, taking a seat on the bed. It was really too small for them both, and Kili turned his head to stare at him with red rimmed eyes as Thorin managed to find a mostly comfortable position. 

"Thorin, what... What are you doing?" he asked, still sniffling as he tried to hide his tears, and Thorin rolled his eyes. 

"Kili," he said, holding open his arms. "Come here." It was half an order, but the look on his face was so familiar and safe that Kili found himself burying his face againstThorin's chest, sobbing his tears into the crisp white dress shirt. Thorin just held him tight, as he hasn't since Kili was a child, whispering soothing nonsense words against his head. 

"It's my fault," he choked out, clinging to white cotton. "It's all my fault. I told him he was working too hard, I told him he needed a break. I just meant a day off, I didn't... He was so tired. I should have paid better attention."

"Kili, stop." Thorin pulled back enough so that Kili could see him, peering up at him with wide, wet eyes that made him seem too young, reminding him of when the boys' father had died. "Stop," he said again, stroking a hand through Kili's hair. "It wasn't your fault. It was no one's fault." 

Kili shuddered around a sob, burying his head again. "I just want him to wake up. I just want him to be okay."

At some point Kili fell asleep again, burrowed into Thorin like a child, and the older man sighed as he indulged his nephew. He had missed this, if he was honest with himself. He and Kili had been so at odds with each other lately, about what Kili was doing with his life. He had missed this time with his nephew. He was just sorry it had to take something so drastic to bring them back together again. 

Thorin must have fallen asleep as well, because the next thing he knew, Frerin was nudging him gently awake, a half sad, half fond smile on his face as he glanced down at Kili, snoring softly against Thorin's chest. 

"Hey," he said quietly, keeping his voice soft. Thorin shifted a little, doing his best not to disturb Kili. "How's he doing?"

Thorin just arched a brow, rubbing his thumb over the nape of Kili's neck. "About how you'd expect," he admitted, sighing softly. "Dís?"

Frerin shrugged. "You know Dís. She's always been strong. She's holding on. Dwalin's with her now. They, uh. They've finished with Fili's surgery."

Neither one of them had noticed Kili slowly waking at the sounds of their voices, until his breath caught.

"Fili's awake?" he questioned hopefully, blinking up at the blearily and rubbing his eyes like a sleepy child. "Can I see him?"

Frerin sighed, exchanging a quick look with Thorin. "Fraid not, kid. I mean, you can see him," he added quickly. "But... He's not awake yet."

Kili frowned, looking back and forth between his uncles. "But you said..."

"He's out of surgery, Kili," Thorin told him gently. "There's still no guarantee he'll wake up."

Kili deflated, curling back in on himself as his eyes shuttered. "Never?" he whispered. Neither Frerin nor Thorin actually answered. Kili chewed on his lip, biting down hard until he could taste blood. "I need to see him. Please?"

Thorin nodded, carefully shifting out from under his nephew. "Come on."

Kili was still shaky on his feet, an after effect from the sedatives and the entire ordeal. Thorin moved to wrap an arm around his waist, but Kili just shrugged him off. Thorin and Frerin both hovered uncertainly beside and behind him, ready to catch him if he showed any sign of wavering. Kili was dizzy, shuffling along at a snail's pace and occasionally leaning against the wall, but he was determined to make it to his brother. 

Thorin had spared no expense, and Fili had been placed in a private room, a little bigger than most of the others. That didnt make up for how absolutely still he was, lying on his back in the small bed, hands resting on the sheets and hooked up to countless machines. Kili's breath left him in a whoosh, and he had to lean against the doorway, never even noticing Frerin's arms coming around his waist. Dwalin was in the far corner, arms folded as he stood guard over the bed, and Dís was in a chair beside Fili, her long fingers wrapped around his, but Kili saw none of this. His eyes were riveted on Fili, tracing the patterns of the bandages all over his body, the line of the IV disappearing into his hand, the monitors on his chest, the oxygen tube down his throat, the ugly bruising marring the right side of his face. When his eyes drifted higher, falling to where his hair had been buzzed off on one side an absolutely pained noise tore from his throat. 

"Kili."

His mother turned, getting to her feet and wrapping her arms around her younger son. He was nearly a full head taller than her, but let himself be pulled down, arms wrapping around her waist as he pressed his forehead against her shoulder, breathing in the familiar smell of her perfume. Dís' hand came up to rub through his hair, stroking down over his back before she pulled back enough to give Kili a shaky smile. 

"I'm so glad you're okay," she said softly, and Kili just nodded, unable to speak around the lump in his throat. His eyes drifted over the top of her head, and Dís sighed, running her hand along his cheek. "Would you like to be left alone with him?"

Kili managed a grateful half smile. "Please?" he whispered, voice nearly cracking on the word. Dís nodded, standing on tiptoe to kiss his forehead, and then she was moving around him, Dwalin following immediately. Thorin looked as though he wanted to protest, but Dís just shot him a look and he and Frerin followed her footsteps out of the room, shutting the door softly behind them. 

For a moment Kili just stared at his brother, unable to even move the short distance to his bed. He was so still he scarcely looked like he was breathing, and Kili had to look at the monitors to remind himself that Fili wasn't actually dead. 

Taking a deep breath, he moved over to the bed, curling his fingers around Fili's hand and giving it a squeeze. His brother showed no sign of recognition, just the same, steady, in and out breaths. Kili sighed, moving down the length of the bed to sit on his other side. He pulled a chair up close to Fili's head, biting his lip at the sight of his hair, buzzed close to his scalp. There was a thick bandage there, covering the incision from his surgery, and Kili avoided it carefully, rubbing his fingers over the rough hair just above his ear. 

"Fuck Fee," he breathed, leaning in to place a soft kiss on his temple. Fili smelled like anaesthesia and Kili winced, closing his hand around Fili's and tangling their fingers. "I'm so sorry Fee. So, so sorry. Just. Please be okay." He choked again, eyes welling with tears, and this time he didn't try to hide them as he pressed his face against Fili's shoulder, curling an arm around his older brother's waist. "Please, I need you to be... I need you to be okay. I can't do this without you. I... Please, just wake up." He sobbed, hands shaking a little as he clutched at Fili. "Please Fili. Please. Just wake up."

Fili didn't move.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kili reacts to things in a way that probably isn't entirely healthy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So because I forgot last chapter, thanks to jynx for listening to me talk it through. And, as always, thanks to my sister from another mister, possessed-bylight for holding my hand.

For as long as Fili remained unconscious, Kili flat out refused to leave his side for any longer than necessary. When Thorin knocked softly on the door half an hour later, telling Kili that the doctors wanted to check him over now that he was awake, make sure they weren't missing anything and double check his sprained wrist, Kili just shook his head. He looked so devastated, staring down at Fili's bruised face, that Thorin ended up talking the doctor into coming up to Fili's room, and treating Kili there.

There were a slew of people in and out of the room that day, all their extended family stopping by for support, but always Kili remained by his brothers' side, not even noticing as one person was replaced by another. Later in the afternoon, Bilbo came by with coffee for everyone, but Kili couldn't even touch his, letting it sit on the bedside table until it grew lukewarm, then cold, forgotten almost immediately. 

It was hours later before Thorin finally got his feet. Kili had fallen into an uncomfortable doze, bent almost in half on his chair so that his head was on the mattress beside Fili, hand still clutching tight to his brother's. Dís was watching them wordlessly, and Thorin sighed softly as he stepped past her. Heart aching at the sight of his nephews, Thorin gently clasped Kili's shoulder, gently shaking him awake. 

"Come on Kili," he prompted. "Let's get you home and into bed, yes?"

"What?" Kili shot upright, blinking stupidly at his uncle a few times before his words penetrated the haze of sleepiness. "No," he protested, head whipping around to look at Fili, like he was afraid his brother might have walked off when he wasn't looking. "No, I'm not leaving him."

Thorin sighed again, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Kili," he started, using his best patient uncle voice. "You can't stay here. It's getting late, and Fili needs some peace."

"Oh for fuck's sake Thorin," Frerin grumbled. "Let the kid stay. What's it going to hurt now?"

Kili gave him a small, grateful smile, though it was offset by the glare Thorin shot him before turning back to his nephew. "Kili, you can't stay," he said again. "Visiting hours will be past soon, and you need your sleep as well. You can't stay in a chair all night."

Frerin made a frustrated noise and left the room, Kili watching him go before turning back to Thorin with a stubborn set to his jaw. "I. Am not. Leaving him," he insisted. "I can't, I... I need to stay with him. If I was in that bed, he’d stay with me."

"Kili..."

"I need to see him Thorin!" Kili's voice was rough, and he swallowed thickly. "I need to know he's still here. I... What happens if he wakes up? What happens if he's here alone in the middle of the night, in a strange room surrounded by machines and not knowing anything familiar. I can't do that to him."

"Kili, he's not-"

"Thorin!"

Thorin looked over at his sister, who had gotten to her feet and was staring at him with the same hollowed, saddened gaze she had worn after Azanulbizar, when their entire family had been reduced to the two of them. "Dís..." He moved over to her, hands resting on her shoulders. "I know you are hurting, and want to indulge him, but Kili needs to rest, and heal."

Dís stared at him, eyes angry at the entire situation they found themselves in. "There's a very good chance that Fili isn't going to make it through the night," she hissed, keeping her voice low so that Kili wouldn't hear. "I know you know that." Her eyes filled with tears and she closed them briefly, taking in a slow breath as she calmed herself. "Let them have whatever time they may have left together."

Thorin stared at her a moment before wrapping his sister in a tight hug, kissing her head as she regained her composure. A minute later, Frerin was coming in, closely followed by a young nurse who was blushing a little as she quickly began moving Fili's machines around. 

"Hey," Frerin said, shooting Thorin a dirty look before he moved over to Kili. "Ignore him. I squared it away for you, kid. The nurses said you can stay the night, and they'll bring in a bed for you to sleep on."

Kili nodded wordlessly, watching as the nurse bustled around him before two more came in wheeling a bed. "I... Can you put it right up against his?" he asked, sounding all of five. Frerin just nodded at the nurse, and she smiled. 

"Of course," she promised. "As close as we can." 

When everything was said and done, there was only a bit of space between the two beds. The nurses left them alone, and Dís moved over to hug Kili. "There's a family waiting room down the hall," she told him. "One of us we'll be there all night," she added, giving him a shaky smile. "So if anything happens, we'll be right here. You won't have to be alone."

Kili stared at her a moment before he realized what she was saying. "Mom," he choked out, burying his face against her neck. 

"Oh my little raven," she whispered, rubbing her hands over his back. "It'll be all right."

Kili nodded, pulling away with a deep breath and watching them go. He waited until the door shut before climbing into his own bed, turning on his side to face Fili. The light spilling in from the hall gave Fili's face a sickly tinge and Kili stifled a sob, hand coming out to twine with his brother's.

"Please, just… Don't go," he whispered. "Don't leave me Fee, not again.”

Whether he heard Kili's plea or not, Fili made it through the night, Kili not waking until sun was streaming through the windows, bathing them in a soft glow. There was no one else in the room yet, the nurses having already made their rounds, and Kili smiled up at Fili, pretending for a moment that his brother was just asleep. 

"Morning Fee," he whispered, leaning up to kiss his cheek. 

He didn’t have time for another thought before the door was opening and a new nurse was coming in, this one laden down with a towel and a handful of supplies. "Good morning!" she said, giving Kili a bright and practiced smile. 

Kili just frowned at her. "What are you doing?" he asked, eyes falling to the scissors in her hand. 

"Ah, well." She nodded toward Fili. "We can't leave him looking like that, can we?" 

Kili's jaw dropped. "You can't cut off his hair!" he protested, louder than he meant to, and she gave him an admonishing look. 

"I can, and I'm going to," she replied, before giving him a sympathetic look. "It's only hair. It will grow back."

Kili just shook his head, wondering where Thorin was, because surely he would put an end to this. They may not have been dwarves anymore, but Fili was every bit as proud of his shoulder length locks as he'd ever been, even taking the time every day to wind the old, familiar braids through them. "Please," Kili protested. "He loves his hair. He'll be devastated when he wakes up."

The nurse just arched an eyebrow, not understanding how absolutely sacred Fili's hair was, and apparently not impressed with Kili's sob story. "And how do you think he'll feel waking up with only half a head of it?" she pointed out, setting her things down on the table. 

"Then let me do it!" Kili burst out, making her stop and look back over at him. 

"Excuse me?"

"Let me do it," he repeated, almost begging. "Please. He wouldn't mind so much if it was me."

The nurse hesitated, eyeing him, and Kili saw his chance. 

"Please?" he said again, giving her his best pleading stare, and she sighed. 

"I'm really not supposed to do this, you know."

Kili nodded once, seriously. "I know."

"And you make sure you do it!" she added, gesturing at him with the scissors for good measure. "No sitting here moping about it all day. I'll be back in an hour to make sure it's done."

Kili nodded again, managing a small smile. "I will," he promised. 

The nurse helped him get everything settled, raising the bed so that Kili would be able to reach the back of Fili's head and spreading out a towel to catch the falling hair. With one last glance at the two of them, she left them alone, shutting the door softly behind her. Kili stared at the door a moment before turning back to his brother. 

“Hey Fee,” he said softy, rubbing his fingers over one of the braids normally hidden in the underside of Fili’s blond locks. “God, you’re gonna kill me for this when you finally wake up,” he muttered. “But I guess it’s better than looking as stupid as you do now, huh?” He scrubbed a hand over his face, too tired to even cry anymore. “Fuck Fee, I am so sorry,” he breathed. “I’d give anything to go back, just make you stay in bed with me, get some more sleep. We wouldn’t even have to go anywhere. I should have never even said yes to the weekend, should have just made you turn to car around and go home and sleep.” He sighed, gathering up a large section of hair, including the thin Durin’s braid that Fili kept there at all times. “All I wanted was for you to be okay,” he whispered.

Kili winced as he cut away the first bit of hair, closing his eyes against the sight of it in his hand. Drawing in a long breath, he began to work in earnest, cropping down Fili’s hair until it was close to his head. Every snip of the scissors sent a lurch through Kili’s stomach, leaving him feeling sick to his stomach, and he didn’t even notice the tears spilling from his eyes until one landed on Fili’s face, slowly sliding down his cheek and disappearing into the fabric of his pillow, making it look as though he was crying too. Kili huffed out a soft laugh, setting the scissors aside and leaning in to press a soft kiss on his cheek just below his eye before brushing the tear away with his thumb. It was a long moment before Kili could make his fingers close around the clippers, and he swallowed hard as the sharp buzzing noise filled the room. As carefully as possible, Kili began slowly shaving Fili’s hair down, keeping the movement of his hand steady and gentle as he matched one side of Fili’s head to the other. 

Kili was careful and meticulous as he worked, not stopping until Fili's hair was all but gone, so close to his head that it was barely visible. He ran his fingers over Fili's scalp, laughing softly at the ticklish sensation against his fingers, before the sound turned into a choked off sob as his eyes moved to the pile of hair that he had accumulated on the towel. 

"Shit Fee," he muttered, rubbing his fingers over the safe part of Fili's head. "What the fuck 'm I supposed to do if you don't wake up, huh?"

After that, Kili refused to leave Fili's room unless it was absolutely necessary. There was a private bathroom, and he used that to shower, usually leaving the door open so he could keep on eye on his brother. He'd talked Frerin into bringing him clean clothes every day, and the furthest he would venture was down to the hospital cafeteria when his stomach refused to let him resist any longer. Even then, he would usually wolf down whatever they had without even tasting it, back by Fili's side in less than five minutes, terrified that Fili would finally wake up, and he wouldn't be there. 

Their family was in and out constantly, but Kili didn't pay much attention, ignoring the pitying looks they gave him. Bilbo had brought in a stack of books nearly as tall as himself, and Kili was steadily working his way through them, reading aloud to Fili. He was fully aware of the concerned way his mother was watching him, of Thorin's disgruntled sighs across the room; he just didn't care. He read until his voice gave out, taking a break only when Frerin gently tugged the book from his hands and picked up where Kili had left off. Kili hadn’t even phoned in to work, and didn’t especially care if he was fired or if they thought he was dead. His entire world was centred around Fili, and though it always had been, now that meant learning what machines did what, and which medications were running through his IV, and how to shift him so he didn't get bed sores, and how to wash his body with the soft cloth the hospital provided, because Kili didn't want anyone else doing these things for Fili for as long as he was able. 

It was a week before they finally ambushed him, though Kili was surprised it had taken so long if he was honest with himself. Bilbo was visiting; he had brought a new book for Fili, this one a comedy, and had stayed while Kili started to read, laughing aloud at all his favourite parts. Kili was in the middle of a sentence when Thorin, Dís and Frerin walked in, Frerin looking less than pleased, and Kili immediately stopped reading. Bilbo's laughter died off iand he cleared his throat as he looked between the newcomers and Kili. 

"I'll just... Get some coffee, shall I?" he asked, slipping past them. 

Kili just sighed. "I'm not leaving," he said firmly, not even trying to pretend he didn’t know why they were there. 

"Kili...." Thorin shook his head. "You can't keep this up. It isn't healthy."

Kili's jaw set stubbornly. "I'm not leaving him," he insisted. 

"We're worried about you," Dís told him, cutting off Thorin before he could say the wrong thing again. "Kili, you haven't even been outside in a week. You're my son too. Please Kili, I can't sit here and watch you fade away before my eyes."

Kili opened his mouth to reply and closed his mouth without speaking, never able to disappoint his mother. 

"Kili?" she prompted. "Please?"

"I just... I don't want him to wake up scared and alone, without anyone here he knows."

"He won't," Thorin insisted. "We'll be here, Kili. We won't leave him alone. We love him too."

"I know that, I do. I just..."

"We're not asking you to stop completely," Dís told him. "Just... Go home for a bit. Eat some real food, sleep in a real bed. Maybe collect some things from home to decorate the room, make it feel like home when he does wake." 

She looked so hopeful that Kili found his resolve swaying, despite his better instincts. "I... Just for a couple hours?"

"That's all we ask."

Frerin pursed his lips, still not looking as though he thought this was the best idea. "And I promise, if he so much as twitches a finger while you're gone, I'll call you straight away."

Kili took a deep breath, blowing it out through pursed lips. "Okay," he agreed finally, glancing back over at Fili. "Just a couple of hours," he repeated. 

Bilbo, who had evidentially been waiting right outside the door, drove Kili home, offering to wait until he was ready to go back. Kili just nodded, hesitating as he opened the front door, and they moved inside. 

The house seemed wrong without Fili inside, everything just as they had left it. Kili kept expecting some sort of noise, the sound of Fili stomping around upstairs, or that horrible music he liked to listen to, and his hands shook a little as he moved into the kitchen. 

"Would you like some tea?" Bilbo asked quietly from behind him, and Kili nearly jumped out of skin. 

"I, um... Yeah, yes." He took a steadying breath, trying to calm himself down. "Yeah, tea would be good." He forced a smile onto his face. "I'm going to go take a shower. I'll be down in a bit."

Bilbo nodded, watching as Kili moved down the hall, taking the stairs slowly. The bedroom was hot, windows shut in anticipation of being away and letting the muggy summer air build without any relief. Making a face, Kili headed straight for the bathroom, stripping out of his clothes as he went. He sighed as his bare feet stepped onto the cool, tile floor and he turned on the shower, turning it down until it was just barely luke warm. Fili had always bitched at him for liking such cold showers - Fili usually preferred them scorching - and the thought had Kili's throat thickening. Stepping under the cool spray, he nearly tripped over Fili's shampoo bottle, dropped in his hurry to get on the road, and never picked up again. Sinking to the slippery floor of the shower, Kili drew his knees up to his chest, burying his face in them as he let the water pour over his hair and back. 

When his fingers had started to prune, Kili got to his feet, methodically soaping himself up and then working shampoo through his hair. He felt suddenly drained, so tired he could barely finish his shower, and he stopped only long enough to pull his hair back before moving back into the bedroom. Fili's suit jacket was still draped over a chair, and Kili picked it up absently, thinking how anal Fili was about his clothes not being put away. He bit his lip when he realized that Fili was in no state to care, and buried his nose in the collar instead, inhaling the faint, musky scent of his brother. Practically flopping onto the bed, he curled up with the jacket, finally falling into a deep, dreamless sleep. 

Kili was jarred suddenly awake by the shrill ring of his phone. Feeling like it was important, though he couldn't for the life of him remember why, he rolled out of bed, groggy and disoriented as he dug through his pants on the floor. He could hear loud calls from downstairs and he frowned as he finally managed to take the call. 

"'lo?"

"Kili? He's awake." 

It took a second for Frerin's words to penetrate, and Kili blinked. "I… What?" 

Bilbo burst into the room, wide smile on his face as Frerin repeated himself. "Fili is awake. Get down here now." 

Kili could barely sit still the ride back to the hospital, bouncing his knee and drumming his fingers impatiently against the side of the car. "Fuck," he muttered. "I knew I shouldn't have left. I should have been there when he woke up." 

Bilbo glanced over at him, driving as quickly as he dared in his haste to get them back to the hospital. "You couldn't have known he would wake up," he reminded him. "And you needed a proper sleep. Fili is going to need you now more than ever. You need to take care of yourself too." 

Though he knew Bilbo was right, Kili just rolled his eyes, choosing instead to curse at every stop sign, or red light, or car that drove too slowly. Bilbo dropped him off at the doorway and he didn't even bother to wait for the elevator, running up the six flights of stairs instead. He was out of breath by the top but didn't stop, ignoring the protests of the nurses as he raced down the hall to his brother's room. 

His courage failed him at the door, stopping at just staring for a long moment. Thorin, Frerin and Dis were all gathered by his bed, Dís in Kili's usual chair, holding Fili's hand and half laughing, half crying. The oxygen tube had been removed from Fili's mouth, as well as a couple of the other wires on his body, and though he looked dazed, there was a small smile on his lips. 

Laughing softly at some comment of Frerin's, Fili's eyes moved to the door, his smile widening at the sight of Kili. "Kee," he said, voice scratchy and raw from disuse. "You're here." 

Kili nodded, not even caring as tears filled his eyes. "Yeah," he said quietly. "I'm here. I'm sorry I wasn't when you woke up, I…" 

Fili just grinned at him. "It's okay. You just missed the doctors, and I know how you feel about that, so it's probably for the best." He blinked at Kili, who hadn't moved from the door. "Well get in here, geek. I won't fall apart." 

Kili nodded again, moving further into the room, and Thorin nudged Dís. "Perhaps we should leave you two alone," he said softly. Kili gave them a grateful smile as they trooped out of the room.

Moving over to the bed, he took Dís' spot, dragging his chair up even closer. He instinctively curled his hand around Fili's, tangling their fingers and blinking a little at the surprised sort of jerk Fili made in reaction and almost immediately writing it off as a reaction from being unconscious for so long. 

"Jesus Fee," he muttered, voice thick with emotion. "You scared the hell out of me." 

Fili gave him a crooked grin. "Mom said they had to practically drag you out of my room." He laughed a little, wincing when it aggravated his raw throat. "That's not like you. Would have thought you'd be out milking it for all it was worth, batting your eyes and getting sympathy from the bar girls."

Kili drew back a little, staring at him. "What?" 

Fili laughed again, his grin splitting even wider. "It was a joke Kili. Relax."

"Right." Kili just nodded, staring at Fili. 

"Hey, Kili, come on." Fili shook his head at him. "I'm sorry, I was just joking. I know you wouldn't do that. You're the best little brother a guy could ask for." 

Something about the words sent ice through Kili's spine, and he didn't miss it when Fili carefully pulled his hand free from Kili's. "Best little brother," he repeated after a moment, because Fili was looking at him. "That's me." 

"Jesus Kee, are you okay? You're white as a sheet."

Kili nodded, trying to keep the panic out of his face, because something was wrong. The way Fili was acting, the way he was looking at him… It was his brother, but it was all wrong. "Yeah," he said, fighting to keep the choked noise out of his voice. "Just been a long week."

Fili gave him a sympathetic smile, punching him weakly in the arm. "Yeah, they said you were in the car with me too. I don't really remember much," he admitted, looking a little guilty. 

"That's probably for the best," Kili replied, conversation suddenly feeling forced and stilted. "You were... Pretty banged up, when they got you out of the car." There was a tremor in his voice that he couldn't really hide, and he looked away, no longer able to meet that piercing blue stare that looking at him all the wrong way. All he wanted was to curl up on the bed beside him, to have Fili kiss him and wrap his arms around him and tell him they were going to be okay, that everything was going to be fine now. 

"Hey." Fili squeezed his forearm. "Are you sure you're okay? I mean, I know I look like shit, but it's still me, Kee. You've still got your big brother."

It was those last two words that did it because while he may still have had his big brother, Kili was reasonably sure he no longer had his Fili. While part of him wanted to keep pretending it was just his imagination, that he was upset and expecting the worst, but he had to know. Fighting back the scream that threatened to tear from his throat, he forced himself to meet Fili's eyes. 

"Fili," he said. "What do you remember of Erebor?"

Fili's eyebrows knit in a frown, and for a too short minute Kili thought he was going to laugh, to roll his eyes and tell him everything of course, idiot. 

"Ere-what?" he asked instead.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kili does some introspecting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead, I swear! I'm SO sorry for the delay with this chapter. I was really sick for about three weeks, and just not up for writing. And then I was away, and then life got kind of crazy, and on top of all that, this chapter just did NOT want to be written. But I promise, I haven't given up on it. I'm still not totally pleased with this one, but hopefully the next ones will be more up to par.
> 
> Also, I'm about twelves years late, but hello to all the lovely ladies I got to meet at BCC - especially the ones I don't get to talk to. Don't be afraid to say hi! 
> 
> And to all the other fantastic people reading this, I wish I could meet you aaaaaaall.

Kili wasn't even sure what was said after that, his blood rushing in his ears as he realized that Fili didn't remember him, didn't remember anything really. He felt like he would throw up or pass out, and it was all he could do to mumble some excuse and stumble to the door, never even noticing Fili's startled and confused look.

Kili managed to make it out into the hall, shutting the door firmly behind him before he sank down the wall and onto the floor, drawing his knees up and burying his face in them as he let out a terrible cry. He didn't care who heard, didn't care about anything anymore as he sobbed desperately, fingers curled into tight fists and clawing at his own legs for some sort of relief from the pain. This was worse than his own worst fear, because he had never even considered the possibility of Fili waking up but not remembering him, of no longer loving him. 

Sobbing in harsh, pained gasps that tore his throat and made his chest ache, it was a minute before Kili was even aware of the hands gripping his shoulders, Frerin frantically calling his name. A sudden, icy chill sparking down his spine, Kili just shook his head, keeping his eyes clenched shut.

"It's not him," he choked out, hands coming up to squeeze at his temples, like if he pressed hard enough it might take the pain away. "It's not him, it's not Fili."

Distantly he could hear more people running, Thorin's thundering voice asking what was going on. There was his mother too, demanding to know if he was okay, asking Kili to look at her, and Frerin ordering someone to check on Fili because something had happened to him. There was too much noise, too much confusion, and Kili couldn't focus on any of it because all he could think was that Fili was gone. He had lost his brother forever. He had no idea how long he sat there for, choking out sobs, not sure if he was screaming out loud or if that was only in his mind. He was vaguely aware of Frerin's hands still on him, one curling around the back of his neck to rub his thumb soothingly over the base of Kili's skull, his voice speaking constantly with words that Kili couldn't seem to hear. His sobs trailed off into desperate gasps as he stared blankly at the floor, hands still squeezing at his head as he wondered if it was possible that this was a nightmare, that he was the one in a coma, and had yet to wake up.

Through the haze of his mind, Kili heard Thorin come back, footsteps he would recognize anywhere. He stared numbly at his uncle's expensive shoes as he bent to murmur something to Frerin. Kili couldn't make out the words, but his eyes slipped shut at the punched out breath of air that Frerin let out, and the weight of their gaze on him.

"Kili?"

Kili looked up at the sound of Thorin's voice, even now exuding so much authority that he found himself responding without thinking. Thorin gave him a sympathetic smile, the sight of it making Kili feel sick, because Thorin never looked at him like that.

"Frerin is going to take you away from here for a bit, okay?"

Kili just nodded numbly, stumbling on weak legs as Frerin and Thorin pulled him to his feet. Thorin eyed him a moment before wrapping his arms around his younger nephew, pulling him close in a tight hug. Kili let out a shaky breath, letting his hands fist against Thorin's dress shirt and wishing for just a moment that he was still a little kid, and that Thorin could make all his problems go away.

"It will be okay, Kili," Thorin assured him, voice warm and soothing Kili's frayed nerves. "We'll figure this out."

"Yeah," Kili mumbled, pulling away. "Of course we will." Even to his own ears, the words sounded hollow, but neither Thorin nor Frerin called him on it.

"Come on kid," Frerin said instead, gently tugging on Kili's elbow and steering him down the hall. Kili followed him quietly, focusing on every footstep, counting them to keep from screaming and throwing himself at the wall instead. He nearly jumped when Frerin touched his elbow again, the sympathy in his blue eyes like a knife to Kili's gut. "What do you want to do?" Frerin asked. "Do you want a coffee? Just sit?"

Kili hadn't even realized they had arrived at the hospital cafeteria, but at the sight of all those people inside he shook his head frantically. "No. No, I can't. I need... I want to go home."

Almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth, he wanted to take them back. Home was worse. Home was where every breath was a reminder of Fili, a reminder of everything he had lost. But by then Frerin was already leading him down toward the parking garage, and Kili didn't have the energy left to tell him he had changed his mind. He tripped along behind Frerin, fighting the urge to throw up as they passed row after row of cars before Frerin finally came a stop, Kili nearly crashing into him from behind. He fumbled twice with the door handle but refused his uncle's help, climbing in and sinking into the soft leather, resting his head against the cool glass of the window and squeezing his eyes shut against the headache he could feel building behind his eyes. He was relieved when Frerin turned on the radio, saving Kili from having to talk or even listen as he navigated the car through the city.

He must have dozed off, though he didn't remember dreaming, because the next thing Kili knew, the car was pulling to a stop. He blinked out the car window a couple of times, the street unfamiliar. "Where are we?" he asked, glancing over at his uncle.

"I thought your place might not be best, at the moment," Frerin admitted, and it was only then that Kili recognized the swanky neighbourhood.

"Right," he said, stumbling out of the car as Frerin led the way inside. "Thanks," he added after a too long moment, wishing he had the ability to express how grateful he really was, relieved that he could put off the harsh memories of Fili for a little while longer.

"Don't mention it," Frerin replied, turning on the lights as they headed inside and making Kili wince. "You hungry? Want something to eat? Or drink?"

Kili just shook his head, all of that sounding that too much effort. "I think... I'm just really tired," he admitted. "Do you mind if I just crash on the couch?"

Frerin rolled his eyes. "Absolutely not. That couch is shit for sleeping, and you're too tall for it. Go take my bed, get some proper sleep."

Kili didn't even bother to protest, heading off for the master bedroom. He paused only long enough to tug off his jeans, leaving him in his boxers and t-shirt as he crawled onto the mattress, tugging the duvet up over his shoulders and sinking into oblivion.

He dreamed about Fíli, of course. He usually did, even when his entire life wasn’t falling apart around him. It made sense that he would do so now, his subconscious clinging to whatever made him feel safe. He didn’t sleep well. He woke up frequently with a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach reminding him that Fíli was gone, before he’d roll over and force himself back to sleep, trying to chase down the same comforting dreams.

It was a few hours later when Kili woke up properly, rolling over onto his back and blinking up at the ceiling. He was desperately thirsty and sighed heavily before sliding off the bed and stumbling into the bathroom, drinking straight from the tap until his thirst was satiated. He was in that weird state between tired and awake, and briefly considered crawling back into bed when voices outside the door attracted his attention. He crept up to the door, pressing his ear to the cool wood and holding his breath as he tried to hear what was being said. The voices were quiet though, and he couldn't make out more than a word here or there, specifics lost in the low cadences of his uncles' voices, and his mother's softer, higher-pitched one.

When he heard someone murmur Fili's name, Kili decided enough was enough. Not even trying to be quiet, he pulled open the bedroom door, surveying the room. There was a moment of quiet, as everyone turned to look at him, startled by his sudden arrival. Then Dis was detangling her fingers from Dwalin's, getting to her feet and crossing the room to Kili in a few short steps. She didn't speak a word as she wrapped her arms around him, and despite the several inches he had on her in height, Kili couldn't help finding some relief in her embrace, like a child wrapped up safe in his mother's arms again. For a minute he just let himself cling tight to her, burying his face in her neck before he forced himself to pull away, drawing in a slow, deep breath as he surveyed the three men who were watching them, faces all equally serious.

"Well?" Kili said, moving past his mother to enter the room properly, managing a weak smile as he took a seat on the opposite end of the sectional to Thorin. "Don't keep me in suspense. What's going on?"

Thorin's lips twitched into the slightest hint of a smile at that, and Kili didn't miss Dwalin's fond eyeroll as his mother took her seat beside him once more.

"According to Oin, it seems that some sort of memory loss after a brain trauma isn't all that uncommon," Thorin explained. "As his primary care physician, they've let him see all Fili's charts, and he's spent most of the afternoon speaking with Fili's neurologists, and with Fili himself."

Kili blinked at his uncle, his body tensing in preparation at Thorin's obvious avoidance. "Okay... Do you want to tell me any actual information? Something I couldn't have told you myself from watching Grey's Anatomy?"

"Well, from what we've been able to tell, he's blocked out all his memories of the past. All he knows is this life."

Kili huffed impatiently, the non-information making him twitchy. "Yeah, no fucking shit," he retorted, ignoring the way Dis's lips tightened slightly. "I want to know when he's going to start remembering again." His question was met with silence, no one quite looking at him, and Kili felt his heart clench. He cracked his knuckles nervously, willing someone to meet his eyes. "He is going to remember, right?" he asked, voice cracking. "Mom?"

Dwalin's arm moved around her shoulder and Dis looked up at him, blue eyes shining brightly. "Oh Kili," she sighed. "We don't know."

Kili sagged against the couch, feeling like the air had been punched out of his lungs and barely listening as Frerin began to explain the statistics on recovered memories, how sometimes they remembered more than they realized, usually in fragmented pieces they confused with dreams. Timeframes for memory recovery, the process of the brain healing itself and other things that Kili couldn't seem to understand.

"It doesn't make sense though," he burst out suddenly, not even realizing he had interrupted Frerin mid-word as wild hope flared in his chest. "Even if he doesn't remember Middle Earth, he and I were together here, in this lifetime too. I mean, we crashed on our way to a freaking couples' resort. He must remember that."

For just a moment, Kili felt almost giddy with relief. Even if Fili didn't remember him, they still had each other. He would remember the most important things, and everything else they could work on after. Then he took in the saddened expressions on everyone's faces, and as quickly as it had come his hopefulness evaporated.

"He doesn't remember me either, does he?" he asked tonelessly.

Thorin cleared his throat. "We had to be careful, obviously, talking to him, but from what we can tell he seems to have... replaced his memories, somehow. I guess without the background of Middle Earth, things like, well, your relationship with each other were too much for him to comprehend. So his brain created alternate memories in order to reconcile everything."

"Alternate memories," Kili repeated, the term making him feel sick.

"From what we can tell, he remembers you as only his younger brother. He knows you share a house, but as brothers. It probably helped him that that was the image you two presented to most of the world."

Kili's head snapped up at that, brown eyes flashing as he glared at his uncle. "So what? You're saying this is my fault? That Fili and I should have announced to the world that we were in love and who the fuck cares if we're brothers, and maybe then he would have remembered me?"

Thorin held up his hands in a placating gesture, and Dis shook her head. "Kili, no," she protested, moving away from Dwalin to sit beside her son instead, tilting her body to face him. "No one is saying that at all. This isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours." She brushed his hair back from his face, but Kili just shrugged her off, staring miserably at his hands.

"All I'm saying is that it probably made it easier for his mind to create these false memories," Thorin continued. "They already were half created in his head. His brain had to fill in the missing pieces."

"And so his memories of me? Of us together?" He didn't really want to know the answer, but some masochistic part of him had to ask the question. Thorin met his eyes for a moment, brow furrowed with sorrow, but it was Frerin who answered. 

"Forgotten, mostly. Though some of the relationship stuff he's, uh. Filled in other people."

Kili nodded, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat. Being forgotten was bad enough, but being replaced? It hurt more than he wanted to admit, and he was struck with the desperate urge to distract himself. "We should, uh. Is he alone? Someone should be with him." He started to get to his feet, legs weak again, but Dís curled a hand around his arm, keeping him seated. 

"Fili is fine," she told him. "Bilbo's with him now." She wrapped her arm around her younger son, stroking soft fingers through his hair. "Kili, you need a break. Why don't you come stay at the house with me for a few days? I miss having you around."

"But... Fili," he mumbled, though it was half hearted at best. The thought of seeing his brother, of having to pretend everything was the same made him feel sick to his stomach.

"We'll take care of him. Fili will be fine for a few days, and you need to wrap your head around everything."

"I..." Kili wanted to protest, but he didn't have anywhere else to go. The thought of going back to his own place was painful, and Frerin only had the one bedroom. "Okay," he agreed quietly, tired of thinking. "Let's go home."  
*  
It was nearly one a.m. when Dwalin finally pulled into the driveway of the old house Kili and Fili had grown up in. The estate had been in the Durin family for generations, a palatial mansion overlooking nearly 15 acres of sprawling lawns where Thorin and Frerin and Dis had all grown up. The 'little house' (though it was only little in comparison) had been gifted to Dis on her wedding, tucked away on the far side of the property, through a field and behind some trees to give them privacy. That was where Fili and Kili had been raised, spending endless summer days racing each other across the fields to visit their grandparents and uncles and any other relations who might have been visiting. They had grown up safe from the world, and even now Kili couldn't help feeling the same way as he stepped out of the car. The air was warm and fresh, thick with the scent of late summer, and he could hear crickets chirping in the trees. For a minute he just stood out in the driveway, tilting his head up to stare at the stars and letting the warm breeze wash over his face, soothing him, before he trailed inside the side door after Dwalin and Dis. The lights were already on in the kitchen, warm and inviting in sharp contrast to the events of the day, and Kili sighed as he sat at the island. He watched his mother move around Dwalin, their easy familiarity together, and a twinge of jealousy settled in the pit of his stomach as he thought of how he and Fili used to interact the same way. 

Dís sighed when she caught him watching them, moving over to ruffle her fingers through Kili's hair. Despite everything, he let a hint of a smile cross his features, ducking away more because it was expected of him than out of any real desire for her to stop. "Should I make you some hot chocolate?" she asked, the cure for all of Kili's childhood ailments, and the most she could offer at the moment. Kili appreciated the gesture, but shook his head. 

"I think I'm gonna get some sleep," he said, weariness settling over him with the words. "I'm just. I'm really tired." 

From the counter, Dwalin cleared his throat. "I should be going," he said, looking over at Dís, who glanced back between he and Kili. 

"Well, you're always welcome to stay," she told him. "The guest bed is made up." 

Kili snorted, shaking his head at the two of them. "Do you two really think that anyone believes he hasn't moved in here?" 

Dwalin arched a brow at him, thick arms folding across his chest. "I haven't moved in," he protested. "I have my own place." 

"Uh huh," Kili replied, getting to his feet. "And when's the last time you stayed there?" He smirked as Dwalin spluttered at him and Kili moved around to hug his mother, winding his long arms around her slight frame. Dís' hand came up, curling around the back of his neck, and for a moment Kili lost himself in the embrace. "It'll be okay," he said, not sure if he was trying to convince his mother, or himself, and Dís nodded. 

"Of course it will." She pulled back, giving Kili a soft smile. "Get some sleep, my little raven." 

Kili managed to return the smile, dipping his head to give her a kiss on the cheek before heading up the back stairs. He avoided looking over at the door to Fili's old bedroom, instead rounding the corner and heading straight to his own. It was almost exactly as he had left it, complete with the odd mix of superhero posters beside women in barely there bikinis, but Kili didn't spare it more than a glance as he headed for his old bed. He stripped naked and slid between the slightly worn sheets, reveling in the feel of cool cotton over his skin. More than ready to be claimed by sleep, Kili burrowed his head into the pillows and under the sheets, smiling at the familiar scent of his childhood and, if he breathed deep enough, the familiar scent of Fili. 

Home was easy. For the first day, Kili did nothing but sleep, splayed out on his old sheets, occasionally waking up long enough to take in the familiar sights of his childhood before dozing off again. He heard movement around the house, dishes clattering occasionally from downstairs, the door opening and closing a few times, a car starting in the driveway outside his window. He stumbled out of bed around six in the evening, showering off all the grime of the past day before pulling on the same clothes and jogging down the stairs to the kitchen. Dís was there, staring absently out the window, a steaming mug of coffee between her hands, but she glanced up when Kili entered the room, giving him a fond smile. 

"It lives," she teased, and Kili dropped a kiss on the top of her head as he moved past her to the cupboard. He pulled a glass down, filling it from the sink, and drained it in one go, swallowing greedily and ignoring the little bit that spilled out the corner of his lip. He refilled it immediately, but drank it more slowly this time, taking only a couple swallows before sitting opposite her at the island. 

"Sorry," he said, not sure if he was apologizing for his messy drinking habits, or sleeping so late, or the entire situation in general, but Dis just waved him off. "Dwalin go home?" he added, smirking a little into his glass, and snorting when Dís rolled her eyes at him. 

"He's at the office, with Balin. Thorin's taking some time off, so they're arranging things. He'll probably be back here after though." She glanced over at Kili, checking if this was okay, and Kili just beamed at her. 

"He's good for you mom. He makes you happy. And he was always like a father to us." He grinned. "Fee and I were taking bets on how long it would take you two to admit to anything between you."

"There's nothing-!" Dís started instinctively before realizing what she was saying, and Kili actually laughed. 

"Fili said..." He trailed off as a pang went through him at the memory of he and Fili, laughing over the two of them. "Well anyway. I'm just glad you're happy." 

Dís gave him an understanding smile. "Oh, Frerin dropped some clothes off for you," she said, nodding her head toward the bag on the dining room table. "He said if there's anything else you need, he can go and pick it up for you." 

Kili smiled softly. He knew they were babying him, but for the first time in his life, he didn't mind. It was nice to not have to think, because if he started thinking, he wouldn't be able to stop. "Thanks," he told her, wincing as his stomach growled loudly. 

"Hungry, are we?" she asked, arching a brow at him. Kili just gave her a sheepish look, ducking his head and blinking up at her from under his bangs. "I don't have a lot in the house," she admitted. "Pizza?" 

Kili grinned again. "Pizza sounds perfect." 

They ended up holed in the living room, eating pizza straight from the box and watching a Mentalist marathon on tv as the sky grew darker through the windows. That was where Dwalin found them nearly five hours later, Kili nursing his ribs after he had commented on Dwalin having his own key, and Dís had retaliated by elbowing him sharply in the side. Dwalin looked tired, unbuttoning the cuffs of his shirt, though he smiled at the sight of them. 

"Don't suppose there's any of that left?" he asked, gesturing to the pizza box. 

Dís tilted her head back, smiling up at him. "I saved you a couple of pieces," she said, and really, it was Kili's requirement as her son to start making gagging noises. Dís just shook her head, getting her feet. "Which we are eating in my room," she added, snatching up the pizza box, and smacking at Kili when he made grabby hands and a noise of protest. Passing the box to Dwalin, she dropped a kiss on the top of Kili's head. "Good night, my darling," she breathed. "Don't stay up too late." 

Kili laughed, waving them off as they headed for the stairs. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," he called after them, laughing more when Dwalin just flipped him off behind his back. They disappeared up the stairs, voices murmuring softly together, and then Kili felt loneliness settle deep in the pit of his stomach. Sighing heavily, he leaned back against the couch before getting to his feet and plugging in their old Playstation, figuring his best bet was to distract himself until he fell asleep. 

It became a pattern over the next few days, Kili finding ways to distract himself. Every evening he would linger around as Thorin, or Frerin, or sometimes Balin stopped by, waiting for news from the hospital, torn between wanting to hear and not. Nothing ever changed though, Fili showed no sign of remembering, and Kili's heart ached at the thought. So he played video games, and went through the old schoolwork in his drawers, dug out a mostly flat soccer ball from the garage and filled it up, kicking it around in the field. Dís doted on him, cooking every meal for him, leaving him waffles in the morning and even doing his laundry. They were all things she hadn't done for him since he was a small child, insisting her sons remain independent regardless of how much money they came from, and Kili felt a pang of guilt that he hadn't visited more. He made up for it doing odd jobs around the house, all the little things that she or Dwalin had never gotten around to, and if maybe Dís created jobs for him when those ran out, neither of them mentioned it. 

Memories sprung up unbidden at every turn, mostly of his childhood with Fili. The two of them racing around, tormenting Ori and Gimli. The time they had decided to count all the rooms in the Big House and lost track somewhere around eleven. Lying in the field on warm summer nights, picking out constellations in the sky. Kili sneaking into Fili's room long after he was supposed to be in bed, crawling into bed with his big brother and trusting him to keep him safe from the monsters in his own bedroom. He still couldn't bring himself to go in Fili's old room, but Kili didn't mind these memories; they were all from before everything between them became so much more, and gave him hope that everything could be that uncomplicated again.

By the fourth day, Kili was running out of ways to distract himself. He had even volunteered to mow the lawn that morning, which was worth it for the look of shock on his mother's face alone. Mowing the lawn had always been his least favourite chore, and as it turned out, he didn't enjoy it anymore seven years later. Hot and sweaty he had stumbled upstairs, intending to take a shower to cool off, but found himself turning left, leaning against the doorway to Fili and his old rec room. It had started out as their nursery, until Kili was big enough to need a real bed, and they had moved them to their own rooms. For awhile it had been a junk room, but the Christmas after their father had died, the original members of Thorin's Company (Fili, Kili, and Ori obviously excepted) had gotten together to redo the whole room for them, all pirate themed, down to a hammock for each of them. Most of it was still there, though there had been added pieces as they grew older, books, and dvds, and cds, an old tv and a ratty couch of Frerin's that he had given them for helping him move. 

Sighing, Kili wandered around, picking up random toys, more memories from their childhood. He flopped down on the old couch, now smelling old and musty, and let his eyes fall shut a moment before he stared up at the ceiling. For a minute he blinked, confused, before a slow smile crossed his face. Before he had died, their father had travelled a lot for work, and would always send them little gifts from wherever he had been, complete with accompanying cards. He couldn't remember when they had started taping them to the ceiling, but he could remember spending hours lying on the floor with Fili, wondering about these far off places, imagining what the father he could barely remember had done there. 

Kili blinked again, eyes settling on a card of the Greek Isles, one that had always been his favourite. For sixteen years, Fili had been nothing more than a brother to him. They could get there again. Fili would remember in time, Kili knew it, but for now he needed his brother, and Kili was holed up hiding. He owed Fili more than that, no matter how hard it might have been on him. Making a decision, he rolled to his feet, ready to head back to the hospital. 

**

Kili took a deep breath, steeling himself before opening the door to Fili's room. Fili - his brother, he reminded himself firmly, was sitting up in bed, glasses on as he read from a book. Though the bruise on his face was now fading to a sickly shade of green, he looked as ridiculously handsome as ever with his glasses on, and Kili did his best not to think of a time when he would have responded to that sight by crawling into Fili's lap and kissing him until the glasses in question got all steamed up. Taking another minute to compose himself, Kili felt his heart clench as he realized Fili was reading the book he and Bilbo had been reading to him the day Fili had woken up. That thought alone nearly had him bolting from the room, but at that moment Fili was looking up at him, a slow smile crossing his lips.

"Hey, there you are," he said, grinning brightly at Kili. Kili forced a smiled on his own lips in return, hoping he didn't look too much like a jack-o-lantern. Apparently he at least partially resembled himself, because Fili didn't call him on it. "I was hoping I'd see you soon," Fili admitted. "Four whole days without my little brother. It's a little like losing a limb."

Kili just nodded, still grinning a little maniacally. "Well... Here I am!"

Fili huffed out a soft laugh, arching a brow at him. "Here you are," he agreed. "You gonna come any closer, or just stand by the door all day? I'm not going to break, I promise."

"Right, sorry." Kili nodded, forcing himself to relax as he stepped into the room properly, dragging a chair up beside Fili's bed. "I'm just... Tired."

He nearly jumped out of his skin when Fili closed a hand around his forearm, giving it a soft squeeze. "You doing okay?" he asked Kili seriously, eyes trained on his. "Thorin said you had a bit of a relapse, collapsed in the hall or something?"

"Uh, yeah," Kili said, cheeks flushing a little at the memory. "I guess I was kind of dehydrated? And suffering from exhaustion, or something?" It wasn't true, but it was the story they were giving Fili to explain away Kili's disappearance, and so he figured he might as well stick with it.

Fili just sighed, shaking his head. "Kili, you can't do that," he protested. "You have to take care of yourself too." His forehead was creased, eyebrows knit together, and he looked so much like their uncle that Kili couldn't help laughing.

"I know," he told him. "I am, I promise. I'm here now." He drew in a deep breath, and this time his smile didn't feel quite so forced. He and Fili had always been brothers too. He could go back to that, if that was what Fili needed. It would take some work, but he could be Fili's brother until they figured this out. With a smile a little more of his own, Kili leaned back in his seat. "So. Any word on when you can get out of here?"

Fili made a face, carefully marking his place in the book before setting it down. "Not for a few of weeks, at least." They just took me off the monitors, but..." He held up his left arm, glowering at the needle in his hand. "I'm still on IVs. And I guess there's some rehab I may need to do. They let me out of bed yesterday, but I couldn't even make it to the bathroom on my own. I made it about half a step before I needed help." His cheeks coloured a little, and Kili felt his heart clench in sympathy. He knew how much Fili hated asking for help with anything, unlike Kili who had gone running to his older brother for help with everything.

"Hey." He nudged Fili's arm, giving him another bright smile. "But that's what you got me for, right?"

Fili snorted softly, a hint of a smile playing around his lips again. "Great," he drawled, though Kili could hear the laughter in his voice. "I can hardly wait."

"No, hey, come on." Kili shoved his hip. "I happen to be an excellent nurse. Remember? When you were fifteen and broke your leg falling out of the treehouse?"

FIli glowered at him. "You pushed me out of the treehouse, asshole. And that was the worst summer ever. I had to miss baseball camp."

Kili just rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I'm sure you missed out on a whole ton of fun there," he muttered dryly. "No, but remember? You had that date with Kate... Something or other? From your chemistry class?"

"Oh yeah..." Fili's eyes lit up at the memory. "And you somehow convinced her not to cancel and to come have the date in our house instead. Even made popcorn so we could pretend we were at the movies."

"See? Best nurse ever."

Fili was still grinning stupidly, lost in thought. "Man. I got my first blow job ever that night."

"I know," Kili replied. "You've told me."

"Best blow job ever too."

Kili opened his mouth to give him a teasing retort and then stopped suddenly. Fili had always joked about it, knew it drove Kili crazy that Kate had gotten there first, squeezing in just under Fili's sixteenth birthday, and loved to torment Kili until he was determined to give Fili a better one. But now, Kili supposed, as far as Fili was concerned, that really was the best blow job he'd ever gotten. His smile tightened a little, and he leaned back in the chair, fiddling with his hair and not quite meeting Fili's eyes. 

"Yeah, well. Don't expect quite a repeat of that performance."

"Aw, come on," Fili protested, eyes sparkling with laughter. "I think I have Kate on Facebook. I'm sure you could charm her into it."

"Keep dreaming bro," Kili replied, quickly snatching at the book in Fili's lap before the current topic of conversation continued any further. He rifled through the pages, coming to a stop where Fili had placed the bookmark. "We were reading this to you while you were asleep," he said, more for a change of conversation than anything.

"Yeah?" Fili huffed, surprise on his face. "Huh. That's... Huh."

Kili eyed him over top of the page, tossing his head back to get the hair out of his eyes. "Huh?" he repeated with a soft laugh. "You wanna elaborate there?"

"No, just... Parts of it seemed familiar while I was reading it. Like really strong deja vu or something. I wonder if that's why?"

Kili blinked. Of all the things said to Fili while he was unconscious, of course a book would be all he remembered. "Yeah, well. Who knows?" He shifted, clearing his throat as he marked out the spot Fili had stopped at. "You want me to keep reading it to you?"

Fili just laughed. "Kee, I'm not a toddler. I can read on my own you know. I don't need a bedtime story."

"Yeah, well." Kili shrugged, ignoring his brother's protests. "Maybe I like reading to you, did you ever think of that?" His cheeks flushed a little at the strange look Fili gave him, and he slouched down low in his seat. "Just... Shut up and tell me where you left off, asshole."

Still looking at him curiously, Fili shook his head. "Second paragraph, left hand side."

Kili took a deep breath before he started reading, losing himself in the words on the page. It was easier than looking at FIli, easier than trying to talk to him and not know what to say. It seemed like every word might tie back to their life before. It was easier to lose himself in something he didn't have to think about, something that didn't have to hurt.

Kili read until Fili had drifted off, head tipped back and snoring softly. Sighing, Kili set down the book, leaning forward to trace his thumb over the back of Fili's hand. Fili made a contented noise at the motion, sinking back further into the pillows as his head rolled a little. The frown lines on his face had faded away, and if it wasn't for the short hair Kili could almost pretend that nothing had happened. Leaning over, he pressed a kiss against Fili's bare shoulder, turning his wrist over in his hand and pressing his thumb over his pulse point, letting the steady thrum of Fili's heartbeat reassure him. 

"Come on Durin," he muttered to himself, biting on his lower lip. "You can do this. It's just a matter of time before he starts remembering. It'll get easier. You can do this." 

**  
Three weeks later, and it wasn't any easier. Though Fili was making astounding progress with his recovery, he showed no sign of remembering anything from Middle Earth or their past lives. Fili wasn't remembering, and Kili found himself having to relearn how to interact with his brother, having to figure out what qualified as normal, brotherly goofing off, and what got him funny looks from Fili that meant he was pushing too far. His hopeful optimism was slowly fading with each day that Fili showed no sign of remembering their previous relationship, and it was only made worse by Fili remembering moments the two of them had shared but without Kili in them. 

Still, Kili refused to give up. Every setback, every night spent staring at the walls when even the exhaustion of the day wasn't enough to send him into sleep, gave him fresh determination. He would show up at the hospital every morning, fresh and ready, sneaking in Fili's favourite coffee, with a new goal in mind. He forced his brother out of bed every day, helped him walk around the room, then down the hall, then just walked beside him as Fili did it himself. He waited patiently outside the room as the nurses came to bathe Fili, trying not to think of how that had been his job, then waited patiently outside the bathroom as Fili showered himself, trying not think of when he would have been in there with him. He was there when Fili called his name in a resigned tone, and he came in to find his brother sitting on the toilet, boxers held awkwardly across his lap, because the heat of the shower and standing for too long had made him dizzy when he tried to pull them on. Kili knew what it cost Fili to ask for help, and lovers or not, he had a lifetime of dealing with his older brother. He had tugged the boxers away, ignoring Fili's squawk of protest, and helped Fili into them without a second thought, teasing him without mocking him, until gradually most of the flush faded from Fili's cheeks. No matter what their relationship had to be, Kili was going to be there for his brother, just as Fili had always been there for him. 

*  
Kili woke with a groan, sudden noise jarring him from his sleep. He swatted around blindly on the bed for a minute before he finally sourced the noise as coming from his phone. Wondering who would be calling him when it was far too early to even be alive, he rubbed his eyes and sat up in the bed, answering the phone with a bleary, "hello?"

"Hey! Where the hell are you?" Fili sounded antsy and impatient through the line. 

"What do you mean 'where am I?'" Kili blinked at the clock, squinting his eyes when they refused to focus on the numbers. "I'm home. What time's it?" 

"It's eleven o'clock. You were supposed to be here two hours ago. The doctors are going to be here soon, to decide if I can go home." 

"Eleven o'clock?" Kili repeated, jumping out of bed and promptly crashing to the floor as his sheets tangled around his legs. "Shit, I... I didn't hear the alarm." He blinked at it, wondering how he could have slept through all three hours of it. "I'll be there as soon as I can, okay?" 

He could practically hear Fili roll his eyes down the line. "Whatever," he replied, though he sounded more amused than annoyed. "Just hurry up and get here, asshole." 

Fifteen minutes later, Kili was on his way. His shower had consisted of little more than hopping in and out of the water, managing to knock over every single shampoo bottle in the process. He had no idea why he was so tired, putting on his t-shirt twice before he managed to get it right, but fortunately and extra large coffee seemed to be setting his brain straight. He sped his way to the hospital, one eye on the clock as he guzzled his coffee, ignoring his burnt tongue in favour of waking himself up. 

He passed Fili's doctors in the hall, talking in low voice to each other, and with a pang of guilt he jogged the last few feet to Fili's room. Fili was sitting on the bed inside, fully dressed but staring mopily at his hands, and Kili felt his heart sink. Drawing in a deep breath, he stepped inside. "So? What did they say?" 

Fili looked up at him, lips downturned for a moment, before he couldn't keep the act up any longer and he broke into a broad grin. "I can go home tomorrow," he told Kili, almost laughing with excitement. 

Kili stared at him a moment before the realization of what Fili was saying hit, and then he was bounding toward the bed with a yell, hugging Fili tight. Fili just laughed as he hugged him back, thick arms tight around Kili's back, the embrace warm and familiar. "They're really letting you go home?" Kili asked, words muffled a little again Fili's neck, and his brother laughed. 

"Yeah," he said, pulling away. "I mean, I have to come in for weekly check ups, and I still have to take it easy for awhile, and I'm still on enough meds to knock out a rhinoceros, but... I'll be home." He beamed, nudging Kili in the side. "Hey, I owe you a thank you by the way. If it hadn't been for you pushing me, and showing up here every day to keep me sane, I probably would have been stuck here a lot longer." 

Kili rolled his eyes. "I doubt it. You're a stubborn asshole when you want to be. Besides, you did all the work. I just annoyed you." 

"Well, still. Thanks for being my annoying little brother. I wouldn't trade you for anyone else." 

Kili beamed at him, eyes locking with Fili's. For a moment they just stared at one another, and Kili could swear he saw a flicker of recognition in Fili's eyes, the slight hint of his tongue as he licked his lips as he had done a thousand times before going to kiss Kili. Then Fili was clearing his throat and looking away, and the moment was gone. 

"So. Wanna help me pack?"


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili comes home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks, as always, to possessed-bylight for telling me to keep going and just generally being awesome. And also to jynxwrites, for also helping me figure out what the hell I'm doing. 
> 
> Also, this is a present of sorts to LittlestSecret. I did my best, okay?

Kili arrived early the next morning, driving Frerin's borrowed SUV because theirs was totaled, and Kili hadn't been bothered to think about getting a new one. It had been mututally decided that Kili would be the one to pick Fili up, keeping things quiet and leaving the rest of the family at home. Fili had said he didn't want to make a big deal about coming home, just wanted to get out of the hospital and sleep in his own bed, and if he'd been a little less tired, he might have picked up something suspicious in how quickly everyone agreed.

"You know Frerin's throwing a surprise party for you, right?" Kili asked off-handedly, rolling Fili's clothes into a duffel bag. He was met with silence, and glanced up only to snort at the pained expression on Fili's face. "Come on, you can't tell me you didn't see this coming."

Fili just groaned, rubbing the back of his head. His hair was starting to grow in a little, and he liked the scratch of the short hair against his fingers. "I thought I said I didn't want it to be a big thing."

He was whining, and Kili rolled his eyes, moving to nudge him as he took the picture frames that Fili had in his hand, various belongings that he had accumulated over his weeks in the hospital. "Dude, it's Frerin. Any excuse for a party, right? Besides, we need a reason to celebrate. We didn't know..." He trailed off, swallowing as he cleared his throat.

"Hey. I know." Fili gave his shoulder a squeeze, too short to be anything but brotherly. "And I appreciate it, I do. It's just... Frerin's parties. You know how they get." He winced, clearly thinking of the time they'd had to bail Thorin, Frerin, and Dwalin out of jail, all dressed in bondage gear.

"Relax," Kili told him. "You really think Mom is going to let anything get out of hand? The second things get a little wound up, she'll be booting everyone out of there so she can fuss all over you." He gave Fili a grin. "Just try to enjoy yourself. There will even be cake and ice cream. AND, because I am the greatest brother in the history of the universe, I made Frerin get your favourite ice cream. Seriously dude. Strawberry and jalapeño? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Shut up." Fili shoved Kili, rolling his eyes when he played it up, somersaulting across the bed and spilling onto the floor on the other side. "You're such a dickhead."

Kili's head popped up over the side of the bed, long hair in his face as he fluttered his eyelashes at Fili. "But I'm your dickhead."

"I hate you."

"Mmmm, no you don't," Kili told him, getting to his feet, and heading to the bag he'd brought with him. "Because I brought your favourite clothes to wear home." He dug them out, throwing the jeans and t-shirt at Fili's face. "Who's a dickhead now?"

"You still are," Fili responded instantly, though there was a slow smile crossing his features. "Thanks man," he added quietly.

Kili managed to keep the grin on his face until Fili disappeared into the bathroom to change, the resounding click of the bathroom door being firmly shut going right through him. The smile slid off his face, and he sank down heavily on the side of the bed, rubbing his temples against the constant ache that seemed to be building in his skull these days. Pretending to be normal around Fili was exhausting, and he closed his eyes, curling up on the bed until he heard the click of the door reopening.

The next thing he knew, Fili was gently shaking him awake. He was grinning, although there was a slight knot of concern between his brows. "Hey," he said, laughing softly. "Sleep good?"

"Uh. Yeah." Kili blinked a few times. "What time do the doctors get here?"

Fili laughed again, staring at him. "The doctors were already here. You slept through the whole thing. I'm cleared to go, whenever you're ready."

"I... Oh." Kili sat up, rubbing at his eyes. "Shit, sorry."

"No, don't worry about it." Fili waved him off, his frown deepening. "Are you okay Kee?"

"Yeah, no, I'm fine! I'm great, I just... I didn't sleep well last night, I guess." He gave Fili a bright grin, the sight making his older brother relax slightly. "I'm good, I just need a coffee." He hauled himself to his feet, already feeling better, and gave Fili a smack on the back that left him grunting and reeling foward slightly. "Come on, asshole. Let's get you to your party."

Fili and Kili arrived earlier than anyone had expected, so the 'surprise' element of the party was mostly missing. It was Bilbo who had spotted them first, yelling out a hasty, "Surprise!" that had everyone else looking their way. Fili had just rolled his eyes and laughed ruefully, pulling Frerin into a hug when he pouted about the surprise being ruined. 

For all his complaints, Fili seemed to be having a good time, wandering around the party, and greeting and hugging everyone with no sign of wanting to be anywhere else. Kili smiled as he watched him, drinking his beer and talking to the odd family member. For awhile he had escaped out back with Ori and Gimli, stretching out on his back and staring up at the sky as he listened to his two younger cousins rattle on about university. There was something soothing about it, like he could pretend for a moment that everything was back to normal. 

Eventually he headed back inside, taking only seconds to spot Fili trying to politely pull out of a conversation with one of their older distant great uncles, who had gone a bit senile. Even if Fili couldn't remember anything from before, he was still the perfect diplomatic prince, and that had Kili giggling into his beer.

"What's so funny?"

He nearly jumped out of his skin when Fili appeared suddenly by his side, having come up behind him. "Jesus Christ Fee, I need to get you a bell or something."

Fili just snorted. "Not my fault you weren't paying attention." He gave Kili a smile, though Kili could see that it was a little forced, and he nudged his shoulder.

"Enjoying your party?"

"Yeah," Fili nodded. "I mean, it's good."

"But you're ready to call it a night?"

"No, I mean... I don't know. I could go for a nap?" He gave Kili a hopeful, sleepy gaze.

Kili rolled his eyes. "This is our house, you know. You can just kick people out."

Fili just shrugged and Kili rolled his eyes again before he shoved Fili over to the couch, getting him to sit down before he started cleaning up and nudging people toward the door. It didn't take long for people to get the hint (Kili had never been known for his subtlety) and start making their exit, stopping to give Fili one last good bye on the way. More than once, Kili caught Fili's eye, his older brother giving him an appreciative smile, but Kili could only barely manage to return it. For all Fili's initial complaints about the party, and despite the fact that he knew Fili needed the sleep, Kili wasn't sure he wanted it to be over. With every person who left, he became more and more aware of just how big and empty their house would be, that soon it would just be the two of them and Kili was still trying to figure out how to talk to his brother.

It wasn't long before the party had more or less cleared up, only the immediate family and Bilbo left. Kili was cleaning up still, collecting glasses and watching from the corner of his eye as Bilbo and Fili discussed what books Fili should read while he was on leave, when Thorin, gave Kili's elbow a squeeze. "Kili? A word?"

Frowning slightly, Kili followed Thorin to the corner of the room. For a minute Thorin didn't speak, eyes roving over Kili's face until he was shifting uncomfortably. "Um. What's up?" he asked finally, tensing a little when Thorin sighed.

"Are you sure you're ready to be here alone with him?" he asked, voice unusually soft and understanding. "There's a big difference between visiting him in the hospital and living with him again."

Kili shrugged, doing his best to brush it off as he did everything. "Hey, gotta get used to it eventually, right?"

Thorin didn't smile, just stared at Kili a moment longer before letting out a soft sigh and nodding. "Listen, if it gets to be too much, or if you just need a break, need to get away for awhile, give me a call okay? I can be here in fifteen minutes." 

"I can't just leave him Thorin."

"No one is asking you to." Thorin's voice was reassuring. "But we all need breaks, Kili. Let us help you." 

Kili just nodded, looking over Thorin's shoulder to where Dís was saying her good byes to Fili, clearly giving him a list of instructions for taking care of himself that was a mile long. Dwalin was trying to herd her toward the door, and Fili took advantage of the moment to catch Kili's eye, glancing between he and Thorin and giving him a questioning look. Kili looked away hastily, scratching the back of his neck. 

"Yeah, I'll um. I'll call you," he mumbled out. Thorin arched a thick eyebrow at him and then pulled him in for a hug, letting Kili sink into him for a moment longer than normal before pulling away. 

"Bilbo?" he called. "Can I offer you a ride home?"

Fili and Kili followed the family outside, standing on their small little porch to wave everyone off until their taillights had disappeared down the street. 

"So?" Fili prompted, smiling as he waved. "Gonna tell me what that was about? With Thorin?"

Kili hesitated just a moment too long before answering. "Oh, you know. Just the usual... Thorin stuff?"

Fili turned to stare at him, arching an eyebrow before he shrugged. "If you say so." He leaned heavily into Kili's side, exhausted from the day, and Kili tried not to think too much on the weight on his body, tried to not think of a time when he would have wrapped an arm around Fili's waist and pulled him laughing into bed. Instead he nudged him back inside, ignoring the remaining mess for now as he herded Fili upstairs, staying close behind him in case he fell. Fili gave him a sleepy smile, heading for his room - their old room - and Kili managed one in return as he moved behind the opposite door. 

Kili had always had his own room, just in case of nosy coworkers and school friends coming over to visit. It was rarely used, but there was a bed and a desk and a dresser and over time the room had become more of a holdall for all their leftover crap. The master bedroom had always been their shared space, but at some point during Fili's stay at the hospital, someone had been by to separate their items, moving all of Kili's things to the second bedroom. While he appreciated the gesture, it felt wrong. Without Fili's books and clothes and odds and ends mingled in with his own, it didn't feel like home anymore. He sat down on the bed, staring around at everything for only a minute before shaking his head and heading back downstairs, figuring he might as well finish cleaning first.

Two hours later, and Kili had finished cleaning and was sprawled across the couch, watching some stupid documentary on a Hollywood agent and dreading going to bed. He was worn out, but the thought of that empty bedroom, of not being able to climb into bed with Fili, made the too small couch seem very tempting. He was seriously contemplating staying there all night when the creak of the stairs made him look up to see Fili slowly making his way down the stairs toward him.

"Hey," Kili said, sitting up quickly. "You okay?"

Fili nodded, giving his brother a tired smile as he sat down on the couch beside him. "Yeah, I um. Forgot to fill my prescription before we left the hospital? It's not the major stuff, just a painkiller, but. Ow." He grinned ruefully. "I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. My head is pounding."

Kili frowned and without thinking his hand moved to the back of Fili's neck. Fili had often gotten headaches when work got really busy, and Kili knew just how to press to help alleviate some of the pain. It didn't even occur to him that this might be seen as a little weird until Fili shifted beside him.

"Um. Kee? Thanks, but... What are you doing?"

Kili pulled his hands away as though they'd been burnt, panicking for just a second before he forced a smile on his face. "Uh, I read that presure points on your neck can sometimes help with headaches?" He jumped to his feet. "Why don't I go fill your prescription?"

Fili blinked at him. "What. Now?"

"Yeah. The pharmacy a couple blocks down is open all night."

Fili stared. "You really don't have to do that. I'll be fine until morning."

"No, don't worry about it," Kili insisted. "Come on, first night back in ou-your bed. Want to make sure you get a good night's sleep." He snatched up his jacket, grabbing his keys and Fili's prescription from where it sat on the hall table. "I'll be back in a minute!" he added, disappearing outside before Fili could offer another word of protest.

Fili blinked as Kili was gone in an instant, leaving him alone in the couch. "Okay then," he mumbled to himself, leaning back against the cushions. He couldn't sit still for long though, getting up and making his way carefully through the townhouse, exploring the cupboards in the pantry, checking what was in the fridge. He wandered his way back upstairs, picking at knick knacks. He paused at the doorway to Kili's room, rolling his eyes a little at the clutter and video games piled on his floor. He started to move down the hall again and then paused, frowning into the room.

Kili's bed was made. Not just a hasty throwing of the sheets over the pillows, but properly made, with tucked in corners and everything. Kili never made his bed. Fili wasn't even sure that he knew how to make a bed, despite their mother's insisting that it be done when they were kids. And yet, with all the time Kili had spent at the hospital, here was his bed, looking as though it had never been slept in. Something niggled at the back of Fili's mind, though he couldn't quite grasp what it was.

"When the fuck would he have time to make his bed?" he asked out loud, before becoming almost immediately distracted by the photo album on Kili's desk. He grinned as he snatched it up, sitting on the bed and settling back against the pillows as he flipped through it. They were from when they were kids, starting when Kili was about nine, missing a tooth and laughing as he and Fili mugged for the camera.

He flicked through the pictures for a couple minutes, smiling to himself, before his hand slipped over the page and he dropped the heavy book. Picking it up, he frowned when it landed on the last few pages. They were older in these pictures, and while Kili was still a brightly grinning dweeb, Fili looked different, somehow. His memory twinged a little more as he traced his fingers over the image of his arm around Kili's shoulder. He looked sad, maybe, or not sad, but...

Fili was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of the front door slamming shut, and he jumped guiltily despite doing nothing wrong. Shaking his head, he put the album away before heading downstairs to greet Kili.

It was an awkward couple of weeks for Kili - though if Fili noticed anything, he made no comment - but gradually Kili got used to readjusting his relationship with Fili. The instinct to drop kisses on his brother's bare neck while he made coffee in the morning faded, along with the urge to fall into Fili's lap for lazy making out when they watched mindless tv in the evenings. It took him a couple of weeks, but he started to feel comfortable around Fili again, to know how to talk to him and not have to pre think and second guess every word that came out of his mouth. 

Eventually, Kili started to joke with Fili again, teasing him like he used to, the two of them getting along better than they had in weeks. Even if it wasn't totally what Kili wanted, it was nice to have at least some semblance or normalcy back with his brother, to not be left feeling like he was suddenly sharing his house with a total stranger. It didn't take long for them to fall into a routine, Kili making them breakfast in the morning while Fili made the coffee, the two of them eating in mostly sleepy silence. They'd go for walks, longer and longer each time, working on Fili's physio to help him get stronger again. They'd have lunch and then Fili would usually go for a nap, his body still tiring quickly, while Kili did odd shit around the house, ignoring the throb at the base of his skull, and his own desire to curl up in bed and wrap himself around his brother. Fili was more irritable than Kili remembered him being, occasionally snapping at him when he did too much, frustrated that Kili was doing so much for him, that he couldnt do it himself. Kili just tried to shrug it off, remind himself that this was his older brother who liked to be in control of his life, not the lover that had once adored Kili spoiling him. 

Though Kili may have been getting used to treating Fili like a brother, he didn't want him any less. He refused to give into the thoughts and memories that would creep up on him, lingering images of Fili falling apart beneath him. His head ached with pretending not to want, a deep throbbing pain pounding on his temples, but somehow he thought if he ignored it, if he pretended he didn't want Fili, it would make those feeling go away. Unfortunately, no one had given Fili the memo, and he wasn't making it any easier on him. Fili had taken to wandering around shirtless, dressed only in jeans and glasses and leaving Kili staring at him without even realizing, eyes lingering over the tight muscles of his back, his thick shoulders and biceps. It was worse in the morning, and more than once Kili had burnt their breakfast, watching as Fili bent over the coffee pot, his eyes sliding up muscular legs and back, lingering over his perfect ass, the top of the round swells almost visible in low-slung boxers. 

It was almost the one-month anniversary since Fili had come home and Kili was draped across the entire length of the couch, fiddling around with his iPad. Fili was across the room, frowning at something on his laptop since he had started working from home the week before. It was only an hour or two at the most l, since Kili refused to let him overwork himself before he even got back, but Fili had begged to be allowed to do something. It was a hot and lazy afternoon, late summer heat drifting in through the windows, and Kili let the tablet drop against his chest, shifting down against the cushions to resettle himself more comfortably. The heat was making him sleepy, and he shut his eyes, fulling intending to drift off into a nap. 

"So is this how you spend your afternoons when I'm at work?" Fili asked suddenly, and Kili tipped his head back to see his older brother watching him with an amused look. He flipped him off, folding his arms across his chest as he shut his eyes, and Fili snorted as he turned back to his laptop. "Good thing you have me to be your sugar daddy then," he teased. 

Kili sat bolt upright, staring at Fili who had a slight frown settled on his face. "What did you just say?" It was a miracle that he managed to keep the tremor out of his voice as he asked it, eyes focused intently on his brother. 

"It's a good thing you have me to be your sugar daddy?" Fili repeated uncertainly, his frown deepening. "Have we had this conversation before? I have the worst deja vu." 

"Uh. No," Kili mumbled, getting abruptly to his feet, heading for the door. 

"Kili?" 

He stopped at the sound of his name, looking at Fili who had taken a couple tentative steps toward him. His eyes were sharp on Kili's face, the emotion in them so close to familiar. 

"Where are you going?" 

Kili let out the breath he had been holding, watching as the flicker of memory faded from Fili's eyes. "Just gonna go for a run. I'll be back in a bit."

*

Kili stood in the shower, head tipped forward as hot water poured over his back. His hands were braced against the wall, water sluicing down over arms and chest, cutting trails through the hair on his body. The air was thick and humid and he drew in slow, deep breaths, feeling the heat pool through every inch of his body. He was exhausted and wired all at once, body thrumming with pent up energy. 

He felt the sudden change in the air, a sudden blast of cool cutting through the humidity and he turned to stare with wide eyes as Fili stepped into the shower, completely naked. "Fili… What?" he breathed, eyes locked on Fili's sharp blue gaze. 

"Shhh," Fili purred, lips twitching into a grin. He curled a hand around the back of Kili's neck, pulling him in for a slow lazy kiss. It only took a second before Kili was kissing him back, making soft, desperate noises against Fili's lips as his tongue teased Kili, gently pressing inside. Kili moaned against his him, clinging to his brother desperately as the water poured down around them. 

"Fili," he choked out when they broke apart, both panting heavily. "God, Fili."

"Heyyy." Fili rubbed his thumb over the base of Kili's skull, the gesture familiar and soothing. "S'okay. I'm here now."

Kili made a choked off noise, hands scraping over Fili's hips as he tried to hold on to the slippery skin, burying his face against his brother's chest. Fili huffed out a soft laugh, fingers trailing over Kili's spine and making him shiver. He kissed the top of his head, and Kili straightened to meet Fili's gaze again, fingers shifting to scrub over Fili's short hair. "Shit. Fili, I missed you."

Fili laughed again. "I know," he said, dragging him in for another lazy kiss that had Kili's cock filling and hips twitching toward him.

"Fili," he whined.

"Shhh." Fili hummed against his lips, licking the water off of them before pulling back with a wicked grin. Kili moaned again at the sight of him, and Fili leaned in, nuzzling against Kili's ear. "I want you to fuck me," he breathed, sounding needy, and Kili choked, hips bucking forward to rub his cock against the sharp line of Fili's hips.

"Fee?" he breathed, unable to get out more than his name.

"Please Kili? I missed you too."

Kili whined, and then he was gripping Fili's biceps hard enough to bruise, turning and pressing him against the side of the shower wall, kissing him greedily. Fili smirked against his lips as he sank into him, letting Kili take control and pin him in place. Kili bit down on his lower lip, tugging on the sensitive skin, and slotted a thigh between Fili's legs, letting his brother rock up against him. Fili groaned against his lips and flexed his wrists in Kili's grip, fingers curling against the slick tile while his head tipped back, letting the water run down over his face. The heat of it was almost overwhelming, and Kili pressed closer, rutting against Fili's hip, his head feeling fuzzy.

"Kili," his brother choked out, leaning forward to trace his lips over the shell of Kili's ear. His tongue flicked out and Kili whined, sinking his teeth into Fili's shoulder. "Kili please." He gasped as Kili let go of his hands, moving a hand to flick against a perked nipple before sliding lower, wrapping his hand around Fili's thick cock and stroking him slowly, just enough to tease. Fili nosed along Kili's jaw, dragging his teeth along the stubble there and licking off the droplets of water that slid down his cheek. "Want to feel you in me for days," he groaned out, and Kili whined into his neck.

"Yeah?" he choked out, scraping his teeth over Fili's collarbone, feeling his brother shudder beneath him. "Need a reminder that I'm here? That I'm yours?" He tightened his fist around Fili, squeezing almost too tight, and Fili hissed, his head tipping back.

"Yes," he breathed, bucking his hips up into Kili's touch, trying desperately for more friction. Kili kissed over Fili's throat, dragging his teeth over his Adam's apple, and Fili whimpered. "Kili, please. Please."

Kili nodded, shifting to kiss Fili harshly as lube was pressed into his hand. His fingers shook slightly as he thumbed the bottle open, completely overwhelmed with the smell and taste and sounds of Fili around him. He slicked up his fingers, sliding his hand down Fili's body to rub his finger over his entrance, teasing the furl. "This what you wanted?" he hummed, burying his face against Fili's neck and inhaling the familiar, musky scent of him.

Fili squirmed, struggling to spread his legs wider, and Kili just grinned, sucking a dark bruise in Fili's neck. He moved his free hand to rub over Fili's nipple, and his brother sobbed, hips jerking. His cock rubbed against Kili's abdomen, leaving behind a sticky, wet trail that was almost immediately washed away as he shoved his hips back down, trying to force Kili inside him.

"Kili," he whined, dragging the name out to three times its length. "Fuck."

Kili grinned, and finally relented, pressing his finger inside. They both hissed at the intrusion and Kili nearly lost his mind at the heat of it. "Shit Fee," he choked out. He began fucking him slowly, light shallow thrusts that did little more than tease. "So fucking tight." 

"Need to..." Fili groaned, wiggling his hips as he tried to force Kili where he wanted him. "Need to do this more then. 's been awhile," he pointed out. "Kili please!"

Smirking, Kili nudged his finger against Fili's prostate, beaming at Fili's shout of pleasure. The sound bounced off the tile as Kili took advantage of his distraction to press another finger inside Fili, scissoring him open. His brother looked delicious like this, eyes screwed shut and head tipped back, gasping as water spilled over his face, and Kili couldn't resist pegging the gland every few thrusts, delighting in the desperate, wordless pleas that spilled from Fili's mouth. He worked him open quickly, pressing in a third finger and burying them to the knuckle, tilting his head to kiss Fili and swallowing his older brother's moans.

"Kili," Fili gasped when they broke apart for air. Clumsy fingers trailed down Kili's chest, curling around his cock and jerking him off unevenly. Kili whined, biting down on Fili's collarbone, suddenly realizing how desperate he was as heat built at the base of his spine. Fili groaned, fist tightening as he tilted his head for Kili to mark up. "Kili, fuck me. Please, it's not enough, need more, please, please, please."

The sight of his older brother, of strong, capable Fili, being reduced to begging for his little brother's cock nearly had Kili spilling over his palm. He pulled his fingers free, ignoring Fili's whine of protest, and curled his hands around Fili's head, fingers scraping against short hair as he pulled him in for a rough kiss, all tongues and teeth.

"Turn around," he breathed, tugging on Fili's lower lip. "You gotta... Turn around, Fee."

It took a second for his words to process, and then Fili was scrambling to comply, so close to getting what he wanted. Desperate for more, his bare feet slid on the slippery for, nearly sending him crashing to the ground, if not for Kili's quick hands catching his hips. Fili yelped, scrabbling and nearly falling into the slick wall, and Kili couldn't help chuckling, thumbs rubbing over Fili's hips as he kept him upright. 

"Careful," he teased gently, and Fili groaned, forehead pressed against the tile. 

"Asshole," he grumbled, no heat in his voice, and it was so familiar that Kili laughed in relief, pressing his forehead against the back of Fili's neck. He shivered a little at the unfamiliar sensation of the short hair scratching against his forehead, hands squeezing tighter around Fili's hips. Tears coming unbidden to his eyes, he kissed the top of Fili's spine, lips curving into a smile when he felt Fili's hands shift to close over his, closing around them reassuringly. "I know," Fili told him. "I'm here." 

For a minute Kili just stayed where he was he was, breathing short, hot gasps against Fili's neck. The water was pouring down around them, branding his skin with heat that couldn't compare to Fili's body beneath him. Kili lost himself in the broad muscles of Fili's back, the cut of his hips, the thickness of his arms. Then Fili whined, rocking back against him, and Kili groaned as his cock slid in the cleft of Fili's ass, the way smooth and slick.

"Kili..."

Kili huffed out a laugh, feeling Fili's hands flex needily around his own, and he squeezed Fili's hips in response, grinding against his brother harder this time. He loved teasing him, dragging out those desperate little gasps that Fili tried to hide, and he couldn't resist doing so now, scraping his teeth over the upper knobs of his spine, and dragging a low moan from Fili as his fingers tightened around Kili's.

"You're... you're the worst," he groaned, pulling away to rub his forehead against the tile, and Kili chuckled.

"The worst, huh?" He bucked his hips a little, cock grinding through the cleft of Fili's ass. Fili whined, shifting back against him as his legs spread further apart, body tensing in pleasure. Kili grinned, sucking a bruise into the juncture of his neck and shoulder. "You sure about that?" he questioned, shifting so the head of his cock was just rubbing over the rim, teasing the oversensitive skin and almost pressing in. Fili keened and Kili couldn't wait anymore, his entire body thrumming with how badly he wanted his brother. He pressed in close, chest tight against Fili's back, licking a droplet of water from his earlobe. "Fuck Fee," he breathed. "Missed you so bad." 

Fili gasped out a noise of agreement, tilting his head awkwardly as he tried to meet Kili's lips for a kiss. The effort was abandoned when Kili pressed into him in one slow, steady movement, dragging it out but refusing to stop until he was buried all the way inside him. For a minute neither of them could move, overwhelmed with sensation. Kili felt his fingers twitch against Fili's hip, and all he could think was how right this felt, how good it was to be back here with Fili. 

"Kili." His older brother choked on the name, hands coming up to slap against the shower wall as he tipped forward, breathing hard. His head dropped between his shoulders, and he whined as Kili sucked the water off the back of his neck. His hips jerked slightly, trying for friction, and Kili's lips curled into a smirk against his skin. "Kili, please," Fili begged, voice raw with need and emotion. When Kili did little more than grin against his skin, Fili huffed out a curse and clenched hard around him, grinning himself at the low groan that slipped past Kili's lips.

"Bastard," Kili breathed out, feeling his cock pulse inside Fili. He shifted closer still, mouthing over Fili's jaw, and he could feel it when Fili gave a grin of his own.

"Pot, ket- ohhh, fuck," he groaned as Kili pulled back without warning, going until just the head of his cock was inside him, keeping him spread open and teasing the rim. He arched a brow, though Fili couldn't see him, and pulled a hand from Fili's hip to trace around his puffy entrace instead, biting his lip at the shudder that wracked Fili's spine. "You were saying?" 

"I think... You're just proving my po- Fuck Kili," He interrupted himself with a sharp gasp as Kili slammed all the way home again, shifting his hips to brush over his prostate in the process. 

"Thought I was fucking you," Kili replied, giggling at Fili's exasperated groan. Then Fili was twisting, turning his head to glare at Kili, at Kili shivered at the look in Fili's half-lidded eyes, needy and wanting. Suddenly tired of teasing, Kili pressed forward, kissing Fili sloppily as he started fucking him in earnest, hips driving against his brother relentlessly. Fili nearly sobbed in relief, doing his best to grind back into Kili with each thrust, and Kili didn't miss the little abortive gesture of his hand reaching for his dick. "No," he choked out, littering bites and bruises over Fili's jaw. He slapped his hands over Fili's on the wall, keeping his chest pressed all along Fili's back as he fucked him harder, shifting his hips to peg against his prostate. "I want you to come just from this." 

Fili gasped at that, tilting his head to suck a bruise into his own upper arm, teeth digging into his skin. Kili could tell he was getting close just from the shift in his hips, the slight tremor running through his thighs, and he fucked in harder, pushing Fili closer and closer to the edge. Their fingers threaded together, braced against the tile, supporting their weight as they grew more and more frantic with the need to come. Kili could feel his own orgasm barrelling down on him, pleasure shooting up his spine, and he struggled to hold on just that little longer, desperate to watch Fili fall apart first. He could see Fili's jaw fall open, the clench of the body as he drew closer. They were both so close, just a little more and then-

"Kili!" 

Kili snapped open eyes that he didn't remember closing only to meet Fili's sharp blue gaze. For just an instant he was so lost in the moment that he almost shifted up to kiss him before it suddenly hit him that everything was all wrong. Fili was above him, he could feel the soft mattress beneath his back, and that wasn't lust in Fili's eyes, it was concern. His brother was muttering something about nightmares and Kili crying out, hands still pinning Kili's arms to the bed, and Kili could feel his grip like a brand on his skin.

"Oh, fuck," he choked out, shoving Fili off and stumbling toward the bathroom, ignoring Fili's call as he slammed the door shut behind him. He flipped on the light, wincing as the sudden blaze of light assaulted his eyes, and braced his arms against the counter, staring at himself in the mirror. He looked a total wreck, face flushed and glistening with sweat, hair tangled and hanging half in his face, and he closed his eyes tightly against the sight. It had all just been a dream, he knew that, but somehow he couldn't get it out of his mind. He could still taste the sweat on Fili's skin, feel the press of his body, how tight he had been around him. His cock throbbed painfully, reminding him just how close he had been, and Kili took a couple slow deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. They did nothing except to remind him of the shaky sound of Fili's breathing, and cursing he shoved his hand into his boxers, gripping his erection hard and biting off a pained moan at how good it felt. It had been weeks since he had touched himself, since he had allowed himself to think of Fili like this, and he bit his lip hard enough to bleed at how good it felt. He knew he wouldn't last long, too close to the edge already, and he jerked himself off frantically, his free hand gripping the counter tight to keep from falling. He was breathing hard, chest heaving with need, and he turned the faucet on full blast so he wouldn't have to hear the desperate whimpers of Fili's name slipping out past his lips. He kept his eyes tightly shut so he wouldn't have to see himself, wouldn't need more of a reminder of the fact that he was jerking off to thoughts of a brother who no longer remembered him.

When Kili came it was with a low sob, hips jerking frantically as he spilled over his hand. It seemed to go on forever, his entire body shuddering with the force of it. His knees gave out and he crumpled to the floor, one hand still gripping the counter as he gasped for air. He leaned forward, shuddering as he pressed his forehead against the cool porcelain. 

He wasn't sure how long he stayed there, waiting to get his breathing under control, but when he pulled himself to his feet his body was shivering, chilled all over. Still avoiding his own gaze in the mirror, he cleaned himself up mechanically, washing his hands and body, tugging off his boxers and leaving them in a pile on the floor to worry about later as he pulled a clean pair off the shower rod. Thinking wearily of crawling into bed and hoping for a dreamless sleep, he pulled open the bathroom door and promptly froze.

"F... Fili?" 

Fili looked up at the sound of his name, standing up from where he'd been sitting on the edge of the bed. "Hey, are you okay?" He took a couple of steps toward Kili, frowning when he wouldn't look at him. "I thought I..." He trailed off as Kili met his gaze, his heart skipping a beat. Kili's cheeks were flushed, eyes half lidded and glazed and his lips were red and swollen, the lower one caught between his teeth. Fili's breath caught, and for just an instant he felt his hands squeezing flesh, saw a bright smile with a giddy laugh spilling from familiar lips. He frowned, taking a half step closer as he chased the memory that was just out of reach, and then Kili was sighing and pressing past him.

"Thought what?" he asked, giving Fili half a glance over his shoulder, and Fili shook his head, the memory lost. 

"I just. You seemed upset? You were crying out in your sleep, and then you ran for the bathroom. I thought you were sick or something." He didn't miss the stiffening of Kili's shoulders as he sat on the bed, but Kili just shook his head, staring at his hands. 

"I'm fine."

Fili just rolled his eyes, taking a seat beside him, and his hand moved to rub over Kili's bare back. "Hey, you can talk to me you know. If you're having nightmares about the crash or whatever, that's nothing to be ashamed of."

Kili made a frustrated noise, shrugging Fili off. "I said I'm fine!" He turned to look at Fili, who just gave him an unimpressed look back. "Please Fee, just... leave me alone."

All the fight had gone out of his voice by the last three words, and Fili held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Okay, okay," he said, getting to his feet and taking a couple steps toward the door. "Just. You can talk to me you know. Any time. I get this is a freaky thing, it can fuck you up, but. It's still me. I'm still your brother."

He turned for the door, missing the pained look Kili he gave him, and by the time he stopped and looked back, Kili was staring resolutely at his lap.

"I love you, Kee," he said softly. There was no response and he sighed, leaving the bedroom and shutting the door quietly behind himself, just missing the single tear that slipped free to splash against Kili's hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the boys jerk off a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably mention that I'm on tumblr! My URL is also ceealaina, because I am nothing if not original. So, if you haven't already, stop by and say hi!

After that, it was like a dam had burst inside Kili. All his carefully constructed walls, the separation of his brother from his boyfriend, it all disappeared. He couldn't look at Fili and not want him, captivated by the flick of his brother's tongue against red lips, the shape of his nose, the tilt of his head as he frowned over the paperwork that he was having couriered over more and more. Kili found himself staring constantly, eyes trained on the knobs of Fili's spine until he could taste his skin on his lips, eyes dragging over the thick trail of hair that disappeared into his jeans until he could see Fili arching up beneath him as he sucked over sensitive skin. More than once, he had caught his hands shaking with how badly he wanted Fili, reaching out to touch him without realizing what he was doing.

Kili felt like a teenager again, achingly hard at the slightest provocation. Only now, that provocation was all Fili. The way he said a certain word, the swing of his hips as he danced around the kitchen to that electronic crap he liked, the way he stretched his arms out above his head with a low groan after too long in front of the computer. All of it made Kili want him desperately, cock twitching with the thought of his brother's lips wrapped around it. It was more than just sex though. Kili wanted the relationship they'd had before. He missed making fun of Fili's adorable sneeze, only to have his brother kiss him into submission until he took it back. He missed having the freedom to touch and hug whenever he wanted, to just wrap his arms around Fili's waist and bury his face in the back of his neck after a long day.

Kili had taken to finding every possible way of distracting himself. He played video games until his eyes burned and he was falling asleep on the couch, the dull throb of his head so constant that he had stopped waiting for it to go away. When video games stopped working, he started running, going around the neighbourhood sometimes three times a day, the rhythm of his sneakers pounding into the pavement helping to drill out the aching need of Fili's body beneath his. When he wasn't running he was sleeping, curled up on the couch, or outside in the backyard, anything to distract himself. He was avoiding Fili during the day, while his nights were spent jerking off desperately, face pressed against the pillow to muffle the sounds as he sobbed out Fili's name.

While Fili was getting better day by day, Kili just felt worse. It had only taken a couple of weeks before Fili started going back to work. It was just a few hours at first, no one letting him stay any longer, but he would bring work home with him, and slowly his time in office increased. His hair was growing in, his muscle tone was coming back, and every morning he got up earlier and slept less during the day. Kili, meanwhile, found it an effort to get up every morning. His body was a constant physical ache with how much he missed Fili, skin throbbing from his feet to his skull. He hadn't even noticed the weight he was losing, or the concerned looks like Fili gave him when he wasn't looking.

It was a Sunday morning (a mandated office free day, thank Mahal) and when Kili had heard the shower running, he had dragged himself out of bed and stumbled downstairs. For all that he wanted to avoid thinking of Fili, his thoughts inevitably drifting over into painful territory, he was determined to take care of his brother the best he could. And since Fili still couldn't boil water without burning it, the least he could do was make him breakfast. He stumbled around the kitchen, banging pots and pans as he started cooking, occasionally pausing to pull his boxers back up over protruding hipbones.

The food was ready just as Kili heard footsteps padding down the stairs, and he quickly shoveled the bacon and eggs onto a couple of plates. Doing his best to hide the exhaustion on his face, he smiled and turned to face Fili before promptly freezing. Fili was wandering into the kitchen in glasses and jeans, once again forgoing a shirt, and mumbling happily about food. But what stopped Kili was that he knew that flush on his brother's chest, knew that smug smile he couldn't quite keep off his lips. Kili knew what Fili looked like just after coming, knew if he were to step in close to his brother he would be able to smell the lingering musky scent of his arousal, and he was struck so suddenly with desire that he nearly keeled over.

Only just managing to collect himself, he shoved a plate into Fili's stomach. "Breakfast," he mumbled, ignoring Fili's surprised blink as he grabbed his own plate and shuffled over to the table. It was a minute for Fili to join him, and Kili did his best not to look at his brother, not needing anymore reminders of what he no longer had. Fili made stilted small talk, and Kili did his best to answer, though it mostly came out in grunts as he pushed around the food on his plate.

"Kili, are you okay?"

He hadn't been expecting the sudden change of conversation, and Kili's head jerked up as he stared at Fili. "I. What?"

"You... You look like shit," Fili told him honestly. "I mean your hair's a mess, you're up all night, you're..." He gestured hopelessly at Kili's chest, and Kili blinked as he followed his gaze to stare down at himself. "Don't think I haven't noticed you're not eating," Fili added in a mumble.

Kili frowned and then forced himself to smile. "I'm fine Fee, honestly. You worry too much. I'm just a little tired. I think I'm gonna go for a run, see if I can't get my energy going."

"A run," Fili repeated, looking disappointed. "Again?"

Kili just shrugged. He took a pointed mouthful of eggs, both proving his point and saving him from having to actually answer, and Fili made a soft noise as he shoved his chair back, moving past Kili to put his plate in the dishwasher. Kili sighed, setting his fork against his plate as he forced himself to swallow, hand resting in his forehead. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a warm hand suddenly tracing up his spine, and after a split second he shoved forward, away from the touch.

"What the hell?" he demanded, twisting around to stare up at Fili.

"You can see every knob of your spine!" Fili shouted back. His face was pinched, expression angry, but Kili knew his brother well enough to know to recognzie the fear hidden beneath. "You're skin and bones Kee. What the hell is going on?"

Kili stared at him a moment and then shoved his chair back, purposely slamming into Fili as he got to his feet. "Fuck off Fili," he growled out, trying to calm his racing heart. He grabbed his plate, angrily stomping over to the sink, shoving the uneaten food down the garbage disposal and throwing his plate in the sink. He could feel Fili behind him still, the weight of his gaze on his back, and he turned the water on, washing the plate and throwing the pans in as well, anything to avoid looking at Fili.

The silence dragged on for several long moments, only interrupted by Kili's angry splashing and clattering, until Fili sighed. "Look, Kee, I'm sorry," he said, trying for soothing. Kili tensed as he heard him come closer, and shuddered at the feel of Fili's hand on his back.

"Don't fucking touch me," he spat out, shrugging him off and turning to glare at Fili, only to watch as his eyes widened.

"Kili! Shit, your nose!"

"What?" Kili blinked at him, wiping his hand under his nose and frowning when it came back red with blood. Fili had grabbed paper towel, and quickly pressed them against Kili's face, leading him back over to the table. He shoved Kili back into his seat, a hand between his shoulder blades forcing him to lean forward as Fili pinched his fingers around Kili's nose through the paper towel, helping the stem the flow of blood.

"Hey. You're okay," he breathed, and Kili rolled his eyes. 

"It's just a nosebleed, Fee," he mumbled out, the words muffled. 

"That's a hell of a nosebleed," Fili retorted, unable to keep the worry out of his voice. His grip tightened when Kili started to loosen up. "No, keep pressure on it." He pushed harder against Kili's back. "And keep leaning forward."

"I thought you were supposed to lean back."

"Yeah, sure, if you want to risk choking on your own blood."

Kili rolled his eyes, giving an exaggerated sigh. "How long do I have to sit here for?"

"Until I fucking say so," Fili replied, though there was no heat to his words. His hand stroked soothingly over Kili's back, and Kili shut his eyes, willing away the touch that was equal parts familiar and not at all. "Maybe we should get you checked out."

"Fili, I'm fine."

"Spontaneous nosebleeds aren't fine."

"I dropped my phone on my face last night. It's probably from that."

Fili made a noise of disbelief, but he didn't push the issue. He stayed with Kili, only leaving him while he grabbed some tissues. It was a good half hour before the bleeding let up completely, and it was another ten minutes before Fili would let him take the pressure off his nose, just in case. Kili grumbled under his breath as he he sniffled a little, nose wrinkling at the feeling of dried blood on his skin.

"Gross," he muttered, and Fili gave him a soft grin.

"You look terrible," he informed him, clapping his hand on Kili's back. It lingered, familiar and warm, and Kili immediately tensed all over again, as his body responded, goosebumps prickling on his flesh 

"Yeah, well." He shrugged him off. "I'm gonna go wash my face and go for that run now."

Fili blinked as Kili switched off again. "A run?" he repeated. "After a major nosebleed?"

"A drive then." Kili ground his teeth as Fili gave him a pointed look, and he remembered that they still didn't have a car. "Fuck, I don't know. I'll just ride around on the subway for awhile then. I'm going out." Without giving Fili the chance to respond, he quickly left, heading for the bathroom to clean his face. Fili frowned after him, sighing heavily as he sat back down in one of the kitchen chairs. He couldn't help waiting for Kili to come back, hoping that he might talk to him, but he wasn't at all surprised when a few minutes later he heard the front door slamming instead. 

*

It wasn't like Kili meant to start creeping around, listening for the signs of Fili jerking it. It was just now that it had popped into his head, he couldn't seem to get the idea back out. Every time Fili spent a little too long in his room, Kili's traitorous mind immediately jumped to the conclusion that his brother was jerking off. And of course that led to Kili picturing him, spread out on his back, or maybe on all fours, teasing and dragging it out like he always did. It was a difficult image to get out of his head. And with that image in his head, it was difficult to not linger outside Fili's closed door a little longer than it was appropriate. He had always loved the sounds that Fili made, and just the thought of hearing them again had him half hard. 

Fili had always teased him that his penchant for putting off the things he hated would bite him in the ass, and it just sort of figured that he was right. Procrastinating had led to him doing laundry on a Saturday night, when he had run out of both clean underwear and clean socks. For once, Kili hadn't been thinking of Fili in the shower when he walked into his brother's room with a pile of clean laundry. He was tired, his head was pounding, and he was grumbling under his breath, just wanting to get the laundry done so he could go to bed. He didn't even register the sound of water pounding on a body until a low grunt caught his attention. Looking up, Kili bit his lip as the sound was followed up by a soft moan. 

"Shit," he breathed, glancing back at the door like someone might catch him. Hesitating only a moment, he crept forward toward the bathroom door. The door wasn't shut tight, cracked open enough that he could easily peek inside. He couldn't see the shower from here, but from the angle of the mirror he could just make out the shape of Fili's head through the fogged up glass, bent between his shoulders and one arm braced against the wall. Kili chewed on her lower lip as another low moan echoed through the bathroom, the sound clearer now. Fili wasn't making any attempt to stay quiet, and Kili whimpered softly under his breath. 

He honestly wasn't intending to stay and listen. He kept telling himself he should walk away, and any moment now he meant to. But somehow, he couldn't seem to make his legs work, too captivated by the familiar, desperate sounds of his brother. Without even realizing it, he found himself leaning against the wall, eyes shut tight as he let the sounds Fili was making overwhelm him. He was rock hard already, cock throbbing in his sweats, and cursing under his breath, Kili shoved a hand beneath the waistband, stifling his own ragged moan as he wrapped a rough hand around himself. 

Kili knew Fili as well as himself, and it wasn't hard for him to imagine how Fili was teasing his dick based solely on the sounds he was making. Kili couldn't help responding in kind, stroking the shaft as he imagined Fili was, rubbing against the frenulum the way he knew Fili liked. He picked up the speed of his hand as he heard Fili's moans become more frantic, then slowed it down again, little more than teasing when Fili let out a long, low moan that seemed to bounce around the bathroom. Kili's own breathing was coming fast and hard, loud in his ears but still not enough to mask the sound of Fili. 

The thought of being so close to Fili was too much, and Kili knew he wasn't going to last long. Evidently, Fili wasn't much better off, if the harsh gasps he was choking in were any indicator. Chewing on his lower lip hard enough to bleed, Kili dug his fingers into his thigh, trying to stem off his orgasm until Fili had come. It didn't take much longer, and Kili would have recognized that high-pitched wail anywhere. Jerking himself off frantically, he couldn't quite stifle his own groan as he spilled over his fist. 

He sagged back against the wall, flushed and panting, skin covered in a sheen of sweat. For a minute he couldn't even think, the white noise of the shower blocking everything out, until it suddenly occurred to him what he'd done. Feeling sick, and suddenly petrified that Fili was going to jump out at him and accuse him of being a disgusting pervert, Kili yanked his hand free, bolting for his room. 

He practically tore his clothes off when he got there, pulling on a clean pair of jeans and pacing around the room. Even as his body thrummed with post-orgasm adrenaline, he felt sick at the thought of what he'd done. No matter how much he might wish otherwise, this wasn't the Fili he knew. He had jerked off to the sounds of his brother doing the same without him even knowing, and he could just imagine Fili's face if he were to ever find out. 

With a start, Kili realized that the shower had cut out. Fili would be out soon, and at the thought of looking at him, of having to meet his eyes, Kili's stomach dropped. Making a split second decision, he pulled on a t-shirt and grabbed his wallet and keys, slipping quietly out the front door before Fili had even left his bedroom. 

*

Fili had hardly been expecting to come out of his bedroom to find an empty house, but Kili was an adult, so he couldn't really call him on it. He had texted him, asking where he had gone, and when all he received back was a short 'out' he tried to ignore that worry that he couldn't seem to squash.

It was about four hours later when the call came through on his cell phone. Fili had succeeded in distracting himself with mindless television, and when he didn't recognize the number, he had almost ignored the call. Something made him pick it up though, and he couldn't help feeling relieved he had when the voice on the other end asked him to come pick up his brother from a bar downtown. 

It wasn't hard to spot Kili when he arrived, sitting sullenly in a corner and shredding a napkin with frightening intensity. Fili sighed before heading over the bartender, figuring he probably had a tab to close up as well. He added a substantial tip, apologizing for any difficult behaviour on Kili's part, but the bartender just waved him off. 

"Naw man, he wasn't difficult. Just… Wasted. I probably should've kicked him out, but he seemed upset. I didn't like like to send him off in the street. I was gonna call him a cab, but when I looked for his address, I found this instead." He waved a business card in the air, and Fili took it, reading: 'In case of drunkeness, please call my brother Fili Durin at.' Fili's cell phone number was in bold typeface beneath, difficult not to see. 

"Well, thanks for calling," Fili said. "And not just sending him out. He's kind of an idiot sometimes, but he's still my brother." He was aware he was rambling, but didn't really care as he blinked down at the card in his hand. He remembered making it when Kili was in university, the older brother in him worried about his brother's propensity to overdo everything. He was sure there was more to the joke than just Kili being newly legal, but for the life of him he couldn't remember what it was. 

Sighing, he headed over to the booth Kili had shoved himself into. He was still shredding the napkin, muttering unhappily under his breath, but closer up Fili was struck by just how sad Kili looked. He couldn't really remember Kili looking like that, not since their father had died when they were just kids. Fili supposed Kili had been a moody teenager, but when that happened he tended more on the sullen and cranky side. Most of Fili's memories of his little brother were of bright smiles and mischievous eyes, high pitched giggles as Kili shot at his brother with a toy bow and arrow. He didn't remember ever seeing Kili look so lost, and it frightened him a little. 

Putting on his best smile, he slipped into the booth beside Kili, nudging his side. "Hey Kee. Ready to go home?" 

Kili turned to look at him before his eyes shuttered and he looked back to the table. "Go away," he muttered, and Fili tried to pretend that didn't hurt.

"Sorry kid, not happening. You wanna tell me what's wrong?" Fili wasn't all that surprised when that got no answer, but he still rolled his eyes. "Well you can tell me or not, that's up to you, but either way, we're getting out of here." He tugged on Kili's arm, relieved when he only put up a little bit of a fight. It was very clear that he was doing this against his will, but at least he hadn't put up a real protest. Skinny as Kili hadn't gotten, Fili still hadn't recovered his full strength, and Kili had always been a dirty fighter. He wasn't sure if he would have been able to drag him kicking and screaming out of the bar if Kili had decided to really pitch a fit.  
He held on to Kili, one arm wrapped around his waist while he let the closer of Kili's arms wrap around his shoulder. It was a position they'd been in countless times, one or both of them drunk and needing the extra support, though usually it was accompanied by laughter and intentional bumping into each other. This time, Kili stayed quiet until they stepped outside and which point he suddenly tore away from Fili, nearly knocking them both to the ground. 

"'m not a kid," he slurred out, voice a low mumble. "I can walk by myself." 

Despite his best efforts, Fili felt his temper flaring. "Well don't act like one then!" he snapped back. "I don't even know what the fuck is wrong with you. You won't talk to me, then you go out and get completely wasted, and you're pissed at me for trying to help you. Cause that's such mature, adult behaviour Kili!" 

The words bounced out into the quiet street, the ensuing silence seeming to ring in Fili's ears. Kili just stared at him, that lost expression back in his eyes, and then he quickly turned away, looking for all the world as though he were blinking back tears. Fili felt his heart ache, all anger immediately gone, and he sighed. 

"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I just… What's going on with us Kee? Why won't you talk to me? It's like I don't even know you anymore." He stepped closer, hand coming up to cup Kili's shoulder, and he was surprised by the force with which Kili wrenched himself away. 

"You're a fuckin' asshole," he growled, and the slurred tone didn't make the words hurt any less. "Go away. You're not my brother." 

The words hit Fili like a punch to the gut, and he actually bent over as his heart clenched. For a minute his head was swimming with emotions and memories and forgotten words, coming and going so quickly that he couldn't hold on to any of them. It was a minute before he recovered, and when he straightened up again, breathing hard, Kili had moved to sit on the curb, legs stretching out into the street. His head was between his arms, hand clasped around the back of his neck as he stared at the asphalt. 

"I just want my brother," he mumbled, whether to himself or Fili, Fili didn't know. 

He called the cab. 

* 

Neither of them talked about that night. Kili woke up with the worst hangover of his entire life, throwing up until Fili was seriously considering taking him to the hospital and then crawling back into bed with a splitting headache. When he finally emerged around nine o'clock that night, he looked pale and withdrawn. His skin was clammy, he was shivering constantly, and the lack of colour threw into sharp relief the almost frightening new definition of his collarbone. Fili didn't know if Kili really didn't remember the conversation from the night before, or if he was just avoiding the topic, but seeing his brother like that he felt too guilty to bring it up. Instead he ordered Kili into the living room and under a blanket and made them both a pile of grilled cheese sandwiches out of an entire loaf of bread. It was the only thing he could cook without fucking up, and had been Kili's favourite food since he was five. Fili honestly couldn't remember if Kili liked it because Fili could cook it, or if Fili had learned to cook it because it was Kili's favourite, but either way, he knew it would help Kili feel better.

Kili had been huddled under a blanket, trying to ward off the worst of the chills, but he had offered Fili a tiny smile when he came in with the plate. They had spent the rest of the night eating and destroying each other at video games. Gradually some of the colour started to come back into Kili's face, and he started laughing and joking like Fili remembered. Fili knew he should have brought it up, should have questioned Kili on what he meant and why he was so upset, but for the first time since the accident, things felt right between them, and Fili didn't want to mess with that. 

No matter how much Fili liked to pretend he was back to himself, he still wasn't 100% and so Thorin had insisted he go home early on a quiet Friday afternoon, telling him to spend some time with his brother with a look that Fili couldn't interpret. He wasn't going to argue with an early weekend though, so he simply nodded and left, gathering up his things before Thorin could change his mind. 

The house was quiet when he got in, and for a moment Fili thought that he was home alone. He was about to call out when a low sob from upstairs caught his attention. Fili's thoughts immediately ran to nightmare - he'd woken Kili up from more than a few over the past few weeks - and he took the stairs two at a time, worried about the state he would find his brother in. It took him a moment to realize that the sounds weren't coming from Kili's room, but his own, and he frowned before freezing in front of the half open door. 

Kili definitely wasn't dreaming. 

His little brother was curled up in the middle of Fili's bed, hands clutching the pillowcase as harsh sobs wracked his body. The sounds made Fili's own chest hurt, and for a moment he could only stare in horror at the sight. He didn't think he had never seen Kili like this, not even when they were kids. His entire body was tense, like each breath caused him physical pain. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut, but Fili could see the tear tracks streaked down his face, long eyelashes wet and spiky. For too long he was frozen in place, just watching, unsure if he should interrupt, or leave Kili in peace. Then he sobbed again, a gasp that sounded suspiciously like Fili's own name, and he was spurred into action. 

"Jesus Kili," he breathed, crossing to the bed in two strides. Kili made a startled noise, blinking up at him in disbelief before he scrambled into a sitting position. 

"I'm sorry," he choked out, swiping at his cheeks and hiccoughing a little as he tried to get himself under control. "I'm sorry, I…" 

He trailed off as Fili ignored him, climbing onto the bed. His thick hands curled around Kili's head, forcing him to meet Fili's eyes. "What is it?" he asked, searching for some sort of explanation. "What's wrong?" 

Kili just stared at him before his entire face crumpled into tears. "I'm sorry," he choked again, and Fili just wrapped his arms around him, letting Kili bury his face against his neck. "I'm so sorry," Kili kept choking out, words muffled against his skin while his hands clawed at Fili's shirt. 

"Shhh," Fili soothed, hoping his voice didn't betray how absolutely terrified he felt. "Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry Kee. It's fine. Just tell me what's wrong." 

But Kili wouldn't answer, just shaking his head pitifully and clutching tighter to Fili. "I can't," he gasped. "I can't. It just hurts. It all hurts so much." 

Fili felt his heart skip a beat at that, and his hands wrapped tighter around Kili, reassuring himself with the heat of his body through his t-shirt, the feeling of his lungs expanding as he choked in more air. "What hurts Kili? Tell me what hurts and we can fix it." 

"Everything. It all hurts so much. Ever… ever since the accident. 's my fault. Why'd we have to go? I just want to go back. I just want it to stop hurting Fee." He whimpered pathetically, and Fili could feel tears, warm and wet on his neck. "Make it stop hurting Fee." 

It was hard to get anything coherent out of him after that, his words trailing off into regular crying, and the occasional pleading sob of Fili's name. Fili just held him as tight as he could, arms wrapped so tightly around Kili that it was a wonder he could even breathe. He couldn't help playing over Kili's words in his head, thinking about the accident, wondering if some part of Kili blamed him and that was why things had been so stilted between them. The thought made Fili feel sick to his stomach. He could still remember his father sitting him down, telling him that he was an older brother now, that he had to look out for little Kee, and he remembered swearing to himself then and there that he would never let Kili down. The thought, however impossible, that he had been the one to reduce Kili to this made Fili want to hold him tighter. If he could just hold him tight enough he could keep everything bad away from his little brother. 

Fili had no idea how long they sat there for. His left leg was almost completely numb, but he didn't especially care. He just kept a tight hold on Kili, rubbing a hand soothingly along his spine and humming soft words against the top of his head. Kili sobs had gradually turned to harsh gasps that Fili could feel against his collarbone and then, slowly, his breathing had started to even out again. Still Fili held on to him, not quite ready to let him go. He had thought Kili was asleep when he felt him shift against him, hands digging into his shirt. 

"Fee?" he mumbled, voice raw. "Can't we just go back to how things were?" 

Fili sighed, ignoring the painful twinge that sent through him. "Yeah Kili. Course we can." 

It didn't take long after that for Kili's breathing to switch over into soft snores, thick and congested sounding, and when Fili was sure he was well and truly asleep, he carefully laid him down on the bed. He held his breath, but Kili just snuffled into the pillows, and Fili smiled ruefully before covering him up with a blanket. Sighing, he ducked into the bathroom, quickly slipping out of his now wrinkled work clothes and into a t-shirt and jeans. He did his best to sneak out of the bedroom, though he managed to crash into his dresser on the way, but luckily Kili slept on. Scratching absently at the short hair on his scalp, Fili headed downstairs, considering. He still didn't know exactly what had Kili so upset, but he figured that if he wasn't going to talk to him, Fili could at least make him feel better. Nodding to himself as a plan began to formulate in his mind, Fili picked up his cell phone. 

By the time Kili wandered downstairs nearly an hour later, looking a little embarrassed, Fili had the kitchen island covered in Kili's favourite Thai and Chinese takeout, as well as about two dozen cupcakes from the bakery Kili loved down the road. His favourite ice cream was in the freezer as well, and Fili gave him a pleased smile as Kili looked around. 

"Uh.. What's the occasion?" he asked, eyeing the food a little suspiciously. 

Fili just shrugged. "Well, you know." He flushed a little, suddenly wondering if this was ridiculously lame. "You've been taking such good care of me, and I, well. I haven't? Been doing the same for you." He cut Kili off before he could protest. "I'm your older brother Kee. I'm supposed to be looking out for you. I figured it was time I returned the favour." 

Kili stared at him for an entirely too long moment, and Fili was about to tell him to forget it and mark this down as a very bad idea, when Kili suddenly stepped forward. Fili grunted in surprise when he found himself wrapped in a tight hug. It took him a moment to respond, but then he was hugging Kili back, smiling happily. 

"Thanks Fee," Kili mumbled into his neck. "You're the best brother a guy could ask for." He pulled away, giving Fili a familiar, lopsided grin. "Even if you are a pain in my ass sometimes." 

Fili's heart clenched, because he suddenly realized just how long it had been since he had seen a genuine smile from his brother. "Yeah, well." He cleared his throat, unexpectedly choked up. "Just don't forget that." 

Kili stuck his tongue out at him, digging headfirst into the food, and Fili blew out a soft breath. For a minute he just watched him, content in seeing his brother so happy. Then Kili threw an egg roll at him, and Fili laughed as he moved to join him. 

*

After that, things seemed to get better. For the next couple weeks, things finally seemed to be settling out between them. They still weren't right, but they were approaching normal. For Fili, who had missed his brother, he would take what he would get. He was still worried about Kili. He was active, working out and going for runs, but still wasn't eating right, and had a headache more often than not. He didn't have a job, though Fili was back to almost regular hours, and Fili had a sneaking suspicion that Kili spent most of the day while he was at work sleeping. He knew something wasn't right, but any time Fili tried to bring it up, Kili would shut down completely. Fili liked being able to talk to Kili again, so even though he knew something would have to be done eventually, he had settled into a general routine of avoiding the conversation and talking about everything else under the sun, all while keeping a very careful eye on his brother. He didn't want to risk the tentative truce they had formed between them and do anything to shatter their slowly recovering relationship.

So then of course Fili had to go and do exactly that. 

It was Fili's turn to cook, which really meant picking up take out on his way home from work. They'd decided on pizza, and between the pizza place being quiet, and the transit system for once running properly, Fili was home a good half hour earlier than he had expected. His entrance wasn't exactly a surprise, juggling pizza and garlic fingers and pop with his keys and wallet, and when Kili didn't immediately come downstairs, Fili figured he had his headphones on or something. He was starving, and tempted to just dig in and let Kili figure it out on his own, but he couldn't actually do that him. Grumbling under his breath, he headed upstairs. 

He had no idea why he didn't think to call out as he was walking down the hall; maybe it was the partially opened door that didn't make him think twice about heading straight into the room before stopping so suddenly that he nearly fell over. 

Kili was sprawled out across his bed, shorts shoved around his ankles and hand wrapped around his cock. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut, which was the only thing that saved Fili from being caught. It took him a second to recover enough to duck back out of sight behind the door, but even then he couldn't stop himself from looking. Kili's chest was heaving, teeth digging into his lower lip to stifle the noises that were desperately trying to escape. His cheeks were flushed, hair knotted from the way his head was twisting around on the pillow, and unbidden the thought came to his mind that Kili looked beautiful. 

The thought was forgotten a minute later when Kili twisted his wrist, unable to stifle the sharp cry that slid out. Fili bit back his own, answering groan, eyes riveted to the sight before him. He didnt even notice his hand slipping lower, rubbing at his own filling dick through his dress pants, relishing in the pull of the material over sensitive skin. 

Kili was close. He could tell by the squeeze of his hand, the noises he was making and the expression on his face. Fili didnt question how he knew that, just mimicked his brother, stroking himself more firmly. His own soft, barely audible whimpers were escaping, and he felt too hot all over. He wanted more, wanted to go in there and kiss away Kili's sounds. He wanted to still Kili's hand and replace it with his own, to jerk him off slow and hard, just the way he liked, to be responsible for that look on his face. He wanted to tease him and watch as his little brother fell apart from Fili's touch alone. 

Fili wasn't even aware of his hand sliding inside his pants, of the way he was leaning against the wall and panting hard, cheeks flushed and hair stuck to his forehead. His hand was moving in perfect rhythm to Kili, squeezing and twisting the way his brother liked, and his own balls were drawing up tight when Kili gave a ragged shout. Kili's back arched, hips jerking into the air, and Fili watched breathlessly as he came all over his stomach. For a minute Fili held his breath as the sudden silence seemed to echo. Then Kili gave a breathless, adrenaline-high laugh and Fili nearly fell over as the extent of what he was doing hit him. He pulled his hand away as though it had been burnt, for a moment just frozen in place as he realized he had been this close to coming from watching his little brother do the same. Horrified with himself, he watched as Kili rolled over, leaning back on all fours, and Fili's cock twitched at the sight of his perfect, pale ass.  
Feeling sick, and yet still inexplicably turned on, Fili backed away from the door as quickly and quietly as he could manage, darting down the stairs before Kili could catch him. He washed his hands, splashing water on his face and taking slow, careful breaths as he tried to compose himself. He tried to write it off, tried to tell himself it didn't mean anything, that there was a reasonable explanation for everything that had just happened, but try as he might he couldn't come up with what that reasonable explanation might be.

By the time Kili came down the stairs, Fili had dished out his food and moved into the living room. He was doing his best to appear normal, but he was eating with mechanical movements, not even tasting the food as he pushed it into his mouth. He kept waiting for Kili to start screaming at him, to say he had spotted him, that he knew Fili had watched and that he was sick, but his brother was all smiles.

"Hey," he said, humming happily as he smelled the food. "I didn't hear you come in."

Fili winced at that, but Kili didn't make any further comments. He disappeared into the kitchen, returning a moment later with his own plate, and if he had been any less distracted, Fili would have been relieved to see that he had taken two slices, and more than his share of garlic fingers.

"So I was thinking," Kili started. "I don't know if you have plans tonight, but, um. What if we had a Star Wars marathon tonight? Watched all the original episodes back to back. None of this rereleased CGI shit."

He looked desperate and hopeful, leg jittering with nervous anticipation, but Fili barely noticed any of this. "Uh. Yeah. Sure," he agreed, quickly looking back down at his plate and not seeing Kili's pleased grin.

"Great!" Kili declared. Humming happily to himself, he took a huge bite of his pizza, and Fili nearly choked as he moaned obscenely around it.

"Mmmm," he muttered. "Thif if delifiouf."

Fili stared. He knew that it was Kili's favourite pizza, that Kili usually responded favourably to food, but somehow all he could see was Kili arched on his bed, his eyes closed in bliss and hand wrapped around his cock.

"I have to go," he blurted out suddenly. He was nearly as surprised as Kili looked, but he went with it, setting down his plate and grabbing his wallet where he'd left it on the coffee table. "I, um. I just remembered, I have a thing." He picked up his jacket, sliding it on so he wouldn't have to look at Kili.

"But what about Star Wars?" Kili asked, and Fili would have had to be braindead to miss the disappointment in his voice.

"I... Sorry. Another time." He did his best to give Kili an apologetic look, though he was pretty sure he just looked sick, and he looked away quickly from the hurt expression in his eyes. "I'll see you later, yeah?"

"I... Okay."

Fili nodded, and without waiting for a further response, he left. Kili watched him go, staring at the closed door for far too long. A tiny part of him kept expecting Fili to come back in, to laugh and say he'd just been kidding, but he knew that was ridiculous. He didn't know what he'd done now, but Fili clearly had no interest in hanging around.

Feeling suddenly sick, he tossed down his barely eaten pizza on the plate, shoving it down to the far end of the coffee table. His stomach knotting, he pulled his knees up to his chest and swallowed. This was ridiculous. He was a grown adult, he wasn't going to cry because his brother didn't want to spend time with him.

Rolling his eyes, he got to his feet and then clutched at the chair as a sudden wave of dizziness washed over him. He bent forward, waiting for it to pass, and blinked when he noticed the two red dots drip onto the floor. Frustration surging through him, Kili swiped his hand under his nose, cursing when it came back covered in blood. Straightening, he started to stumble toward the bathroom, and then cried out sharply as a wave of pain burst through his head, blinding him for a moment. He sank to his knees in the middle of the floor, ignoring the blood dripping from his nose and staining his jeans as he clutched at his head, desperate for the pain to ease. He was panting hard, barely able to breathe with how badly it hurt. He lowered himself further still, curling up in the fetal position and wrapping his hands all the way around his neck. He felt as if his head was going to explode, the pain overwhelming. The house seemed cold and empty, darkness settling in around him, and Kili choked on a sob. All the wanted was his brother, to not be alone right now. "Fili," he whispered, not even aware of the tears that were tracking down his face, only wishing he had his brother here with him.

*  
Fili sat in the bar, hand wrapped around his sweating beer. He felt numb, still trying to figure out what the fuck had just happened. That was Kili he had just jerked off to, his baby brother. The same baby brother that he had lugged around everywhere when he was still in diapers, that he had taught to tie his shoes and play baseball. Fili had just had a momentary lapse of sanity, that was all. It was too long since he'd been with anyone, and what with the accident and everything... It was just a moment of temporary insanity. Fili wasn't even gay, for crying outloud, and he certainly wasn't gay for his brother.

He was still trying to convince himself of this when he heard a noise of suprise and then a flash of blonde hair as someone slid into the booth opposite him. "Fili Durin."

Fili blinked at the bombshell in front of him before recognition hit and his jaw dropped. "Kate?!" He grinned, standing up to wrap her in a tight hug. She laughed, the sound warm and familiar in his ear as small arms wrapped around him in return. "What are you doing here?"

She beamed at him as he pulled away, shrugging a little. "I just moved back." Her smile widened as she looked him over properly, her hand coming up to scrub over the back of his head. "God, it's good to see you. I like the short hair. It suits you."

Fili grinned, leaning into her touch as his eyes locked with hers. Kate was just as gorgeous as he had remembered her, all long blonde hair and sparkling green eyes. He held eye contact for a moment too long before laughing and rubbing awkwardly at the back of his neck. "Well you look amazing," he told her, sitting back down and beaming when she followed suit instead of heading off to find her friends. "So when did you move back?"

Kate arched an eyebrow at him, leaning forward in her seat. "Why don't you buy me a drink, Durin, and then I'll tell you about it?"

A few hours later, and Fili was pleasantly buzzed, Kate now pressed up against his side with his arm wrapped around her shoulder as the two of them talked in low murmurs and soft laughs. Distantly he knew he was maybe playing it up a little more than usual, flirting more than he normally would, but he didn't care. This felt right, Kate's smaller frame pressed tight against him, the smell of her perfume wrapping around him, her hair ticking his cheek. This was normal, this was what Fili liked. Not the sight of his brother stretched out and panting, back arched with a hand wrapped around his cock and the other dragging through thick chest hair.

Fili stiffened slightly as he realized the direction his thoughts had taken, and immediately he curled a hand around Kate's neck, drawing her in for a soft kiss. She had been midst speaking, and froze a moment before her lips slid into a smile and then she was kissing him back. Her smile returned the second he pulled away, and Fili grinned back as he brushed her hair behind her ear.

"Hey," he said softly, and Kate burst out laughing.

"Hey," she replied, rolling her eyes at him. "You know, I have been waiting for you to do that all night."

Fili grinned in response. "Well, I would hate to keep you waiting," he replied, leaning in and kissing her again. Kate's lips were soft against his, tasting vaguely of cherry lip balm, and she kissed just as perfectly as he remembered from high school. He could have stayed there all night, kissing her softly in their quiet little booth, but eventually Kate pulled away, wincing slightly.

"I have to get going," she said, still close enough the Fili could feel the breath of her words on his lips. He couldn't resist stealing another kiss, and Kate hummed against him before pushing him away, both of them laughing. "No, really," she insisted, giving him another regretful look. "I have to go." Her hand slid along his thigh, and Fili choked a little before she pulled out his phone, laughing as she programmed in her number. "Call me, Fili," she told him, giving him a wink and one last kiss before sliding out of the booth. "I mean it!"

Feeling incredibly pleased with himself, Fili savoured the last of his beer, leaning back against the vinyl seats. He couldn't keep the stupid smug smile off his face as he finished off his drink before paying his tab and heading for home. It was a nice night, the air thick and warm, and so he walked, playing over his evening with Kate, the sound of her laugh and the feel of her skin. He was feeling better all around, humming to himself as he took his time getting home.

The house was quiet when he arrived, and he figured Kili must have gone to bed. A slight twinge went through him, and he felt a little guilty about ditching his brother, but he tried not to think on it. He didn't bother to turn on the lights, eyes already adjusted to the dark, and started straight for the kitchen. He almost didn't notice the figure on the floor, but something caught the corner of his eye, and he turned to look, Kate forgotten as his heart jumped to his throat.

"Kili?"

There was no response and Fili felt panic flare through his body. He fumbled for the light switch, nearly knocking over the lamp in the process, and froze at the sight of his brother, lying sprawled on his back.

"Kili!"

His brother didn't so much as twitch, and Fili's body kicked into gear. He raced over to him, taking in the matted hair, the dried blood under his nose. Kili looked smaller than Fili had ever seen him, his boxers and t-shirt seeming to hang off him. He was thinner than Fili had even realized, bones protruding and feeling fragile beneath his fingers, and made even more obvious by the frightening lack of movement coming from his chest.

"Oh god, oh fuck. Kili, please." Fili felt around for a pulse, and he was shaking so badly that for a too long minute he thought there was none. Then he felt a slight fluttering, weak but there, and sobbed in relief. Leaning down, he pressed his cheek against Kili's mouth, feeling the shallow, weak puffs of air against his skin. "Fuck, Kili. Wake up. Please wake up." He moved around, pulling Kili's upper body into his lap, wrapping his arms around his chest and cradling him close. He kissed the top of his head, tears tracking down his cheeks as his fingers traced along the skeletal figure beneath him. He wasn't aware of what he was saying as he held his brother close, pleading with him. "Please, please Kee. Fuck, don't do this to me. Don't leave me, not again."


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili panics, Kili goes to the hospital, Thorin tries to be helpful, and no one really knows what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, remember this story? I figured it was appropriate to post a new chapter today, since it's been exactly three months since I started working on this one ;A; I am so, SO sorry for the delay. My life's gone a little haywire, but I'm starting to get a routine back. Hopefully the next wait won't be so long. 
> 
> Also, I'm going to be writing little side stories that are connected to the story without actually fitting into the main timeline. They'll probably be 99% porn, so keep an eye out for that if you're interested!

Fili barely remembered calling his uncle, his voice bordering on hysteric as he told him something was wrong, that Kili had collapsed, that he couldn't get him to wake up. He had vague recollections of telling his uncle to  _do_  something, of begging him to somehow to fix it. It wasn't until months later that it would occur to him that he had no idea why he would call his uncle and not an ambulance, but it was no matter. Thorin was as calm and reassuring as ever, not a trace of uncertainty in his voice as he told Fili to just hold on, that he would be there soon, that he had to hang up to call the ambulance but Fili should just stay with his brother, just keep talking to him.

 

So Fili did. He pulled Kili tighter into his lap, wrapping an arm around him so he could feel the beat of Kili's heart, a constant reminder that he was still alive. 

 

“Shit, Kee," he breathed. "Please don't do this to me. Come on kid, just stay with me. Don't leave." He choked back a sob, unconsciously matching his breathing to Kili's own shallow breaths, even as his heart raced. "I need you, Kee. You're my little brother. Fili and Kili, right? It's always been the two of us. Who else is gonna remind me not to work too much, and make my favourite supper on my birthday?" He laughed weakly. "You know mom can never get that right. And Frerin's been wrangling for a paintball tournament against he and Thorin. You're the best sniper I know Kee, who else is gonna have my back?"

 

Kili remained unresponsive, eyes not so much as fluttering. Fili tightened his hold, dropping his head to kiss Kili's forehead before brushing his bangs back from his face. 

 

“Please, Kee. I'll do anything. We'll fix whatever is broken between us, I promise. You just gotta stay with me. Please."

 

Fili talked for what felt like hours, waiting desperately for the ambulance. He convinced himself that as long as Kili could hear his voice, could feel Fili's heartbeat and have that reminder that he wasn't alone, he would be okay. So he kept talking, he squeezed his hand... Anything to remind Kili that he was still here, that he wasn't leaving him. 

 

It was really only a matter of minutes before Thorin arrived, Frerin with him. He burst in with gusto, all set to take charge, but at the sight of the two of them on the ground, Fili pleading with his brother to just hold on, everything Thorin knew left him. He didn't hear the sirens beginning to wail up the street, or Frerin's muffled curse beside him. He was instantly transported back to the battlefield, reliving the battle for Erebor, being struck down and only able to watch as the two lives most precious to him were ripped away, and he helpless to do anything. It was a moment he had relived over and over in his nightmares, and seeing it recreated before his eyes was like a punch to the gut. He couldn't do anything, couldn't speak, could barely breathe as he stared at the two of them, overwhelmed by how helpless he really was. 

 

"Oh, my boys," he breathed, making Frerin look over at him. 

 

He seemed to understand, looking back and forth between them a moment before giving Thorin a shove. "Go, show the paramedics where we are." Thorin didn't move at first, and Frerin shoved him again. "Thorin!"

 

Blinking back to reality, Thorin nodded tersely before making his way outside, his movements only a little shaky. Frerin moved over to the boys, gently prying Fili's fingers free from where they were fisted in Kili's shirt.

 

"Fili... Fili, the ambulance is here now. You have to let go so the paramedics can help him." 

 

"No, I can't!" Fili shook his head wildly. "He needs to know I'm here, Uncle Frerin. He needs to know I'm not leaving him."

 

"He knows, Fili. I promise you, he knows you're here." 

 

Fili just shook his head, gripping tighter to his brother. Logically he knew it was silly, didn't want to put into actual words his fear that if Kili could no longer feel his brother’s heartbeat, he wouldn't know to keep his own heart beating. Though Frerin kept trying to persuade him, he refused to relinquish his hold, not even when Thorin came in with the paramedics and a stretcher. 

 

In the end it took both Frerin and Thorin to work him free, half pulling and persuading until he finally relinquished his hold and the paramedics were able to work. The second that Kili was out of his hold, Fili grabbed at his uncle instead, needing something to ground him. 

 

Thorin just wrapped thick, reassuring arms around his older nephew. "I know, Fili, I know," he muttered, eyes riveted to the sight in front of them as he tried to tell himself that this wouldn't be like before. 

 

As comforting as Thorin was, Fili still felt that surge of panic when they started to take Kili away, terrified to let him out of his sight. The paramedics refused to let Fili ride with them, as worked up as he was, so Frerin went instead, Thorin and Fili following in his car. 

 

By the time they arrived, Frerin was waiting for them, Kili having already been carted off down a hallway somewhere. Fili watched all the doctors and nurses and orderlies rushing around and felt sick to his stomach. His mother and Dwalin were already there, Dis pale as she held tightly to Dwalin's hand. Fili had no idea who had called her, if it was Thorin, or Frerin, or someone else altogether, but he was just ridiculously grateful that it didn't have to be him, that he didn't have to tell her that he had let Kili down.

 

As if reading his thoughts, Dis moved over to him, wrapping him in a tight hug. "Stop that," she told him firmly, quietly enough that no one else would here. "Kili is going to be just fine. Don't you worry about him."

 

Fili just nodded, clutching to her tightly as they both tried to pretend as though they believed that. Dis held on a moment longer before she pulled away with a shaky laugh.

 

"First you, now your brother. The two of you are giving me grey hairs faster than I can cover them up."

 

He huffed out a soft breath of a laugh, forcing a smile on his face. "Sorry," he mumbled, because it seemed like something he should say. Dis just patted his arm, leading him back over to where Frerin was relaying whatever he knew - only that Kili had been rushed right in, and a doctor would call them as soon as they could.

 

For Fili, the waiting was excruciating. Every minute felt like an hour, and he couldn't seem to sit still, but any attempts to distract himself didn't last. Frerin had forbidden him from getting anymore coffee after his fifth trip had resulted in his limbs starting to jitter impatiently. In reality, it was barely two hours before the doctor came out, a soft smile on his lips and Oin behind him. Fili jumped to his feet before anyone else, cracking his knuckles nervously.

 

"It's alright, lad," Oin assured him, though he still looked tense. "Your brother's stablized. Awake now too."

 

The ER doctor nodded. "We're still working to figure out what happened, but for now, he's in the clear."

 

"Can I see him?" Fili asked quickly, never seeing the look Oin gave his family. He didn't wait for more than a nod of agreement before he was hurrying off down the hall in search of his brother. 

 

It didn't take him long to find the room, and he hesitated only a moment before tapping on the door and making his way in. Kili was half sitting up in the bed, blankets around his legs, and he looked up at Fili at his entrance. 

 

"Hey," he said softly, eyes dropping back down to his hands as he fiddled with his blankets. 

 

"Hey," Fili said in reply, doing his best to ignore how terribly pale his normally tanned brother looked. He swallowed hard as he moved toward Kili's bed. "Good to see you awake." Kili just nodded, giving Fili a tight, forced smile, and Fili chewed his lip as he fumbled for something to say. Grabbing a chair from the hall, he dragged it across to Kili's bed, screeching across the tile, and earning him a few disgruntled looks from other patients. It was worth it though, for the soft snort that slipped from Kili's lips, and the way his lips twisted as he tried to hide his smile. "So what did the doctors say?"

 

Kili shrugged. "I'm suffering from malnutrition and dehydration." 

 

Fili arched an eyebrow. "And that's what caused you to pass out and almost stop breathing?" He couldn't hide the terror that lingered in his voice at the memory of finding Kili like that, and his younger brother winced. 

 

"They're not sure about the rest of it," he admitted. His hand came up to his mouth as he worried nervously at the skin around his fingernails. "They said they're going to keep me here a few days, get me rehydrated and everything, and they'll run some more tests. See if they can't figure out what's up." 

 

Fili nodded, throat closing a little at how absolutely terrifying that thought was. They had no idea what was wrong with Kili, but he had a feeling it couldn't be anything good. The fact that there was still a very good chance he might lose his little brother hit Fili like a bucket of ice, and his fingers twitched before he reached out, closing his hand around Kili's on instinct. Kili blinked, looking up at him in surprise, and though Fili had been expecting to see a reflection of his own fear in that brown gaze, all he saw was how very tired Kili looked. 

 

As if reading his thoughts, Kili stifled a yawn, eyes blinking as he struggled to stay awake. "Mom coming?" he asked softly, words turning to more and more of a murmur. 

 

Fili nodded again, giving Kili's hand a squeeze. "Yeah, I think she's still talking to the doctors. She'll be here soon." He nudged his brother. "Why don't you get some sleep, Kee? I'll wake you up when she gets here." 

 

Even though his eyes were already closed, Kili put up a cursory protest, and Fili rolled his eyes. 

 

"Seriously Kili, you look like shit," he told him, pleased when this got him another snort of amusment. "I'll wake you up when she gets here, I promise." 

 

"Okay," Kili relented, shifting back against the pillows. His hand stayed curled around Fili's. "Thanks Fee.” 

 

Fili nodded, even though Kili was already asleep. Eyes trained on his brother, he kept a tight grip on his hand, keeping him close while he slept.

 

Kili spent four days in the hospital, and for all the specialists he was seen by, no one could say with any certainty what was wrong with him. Fili wasn't stupid; he knew there were things they weren't telling him. More than once he had overheard Thorin and Frerin and Dís arguing in hushed tones, words too soft for him to make out. But a large part of Fili didn't want to know what they knew, terrified that it was something Kili would never recover from, that he was losing his brother and couldn't do anything to stop it. 

 

*

 

It was Kili's last day in the hospital, and Fili was waiting with him for the final all clear letting him go home. They'd spent the morning ignoring the sense of déjà vu and watching stupid videos on Kili's laptop, laughing like kids at things that weren't all that funny. They’d since moved on to playing trivial pursuit against each other on their phones. Fili had hauled a chair up to Kili's bed and was leaning back in it, feet up on Kili's bed and taking up all his space. Kili didn't seem to mind, the two of them kicking each other intermittently. 

 

Fili had just gotten his final wedge and was on his way to the centre of the board when a soft tap on the door made them both look up. Thorin was there, looking like he'd just come from the office, and he gave them both a soft smile. 

 

"I hear you're getting out of here today," he said to Kili, stepping into the room. 

 

"With any luck,"Kili agreed, and Fili couldn't help noticing the way his smile tightened ever so slightly. Thorin just nodded before turning to Fili. 

 

"Fili, why don't you go pick up some celebratory snacks?" he suggested. 

 

"I... What?" Fili questioned, watching as the last lingers of Kili's laughter faded. "I think we have some stuff at home."

 

Thorin looked pained. "Please Fili? I need to speak with your brother."

 

For reasons he couldn't explain, Fili was reluctant to leave, but when he glanced at Kili, all he got was a slight nod. Feeling sick to his stomach, he swallowed. "I... Okay," he said, getting to his feet. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

 

Thorin just nodded, standing in the same spot and watching Fili go with an expression that made it quite clear that Fili shouldn't linger. With one last glance back at Kili, who was staring steadily at the ceiling now, Fili headed off down the hall. 

 

The second he was gone, Kili was shaking his head. "Thorin, no."

 

"Kili..."

 

"I've told you before, I'm not leaving him."

 

Kili was expecting his usual argument with his uncle, and was surprised when Thorin just sighed heavily, dropping wearily into Fili's vacated chair. "Kili, please," he started again, closing a thick hand around Kili's bicep. "Just listen to me," he added when Kili opened his mouth to argue. "You know as well as I do that this is killing you. Oin says we can give you medication to stop the symptoms, to control the headaches and the nausea, but there's nothing we can do to stop it. Staying with Fili right now? Kili, it's going to kill you."

 

"I know," Kili told him quietly, meeting his eyes. "But he's so close to remembering, Uncle. I can feel it."

 

"And if he doesn't? You would do that to us? To your mother? You would let us watch you slowly fade before our eyes, knowing we have the ability to help you but we can't do anything? And what about Fili? You're willing to do that to your brother, to force him to watch his little brother die?" His voice grew thick with his own memories and emotions, and Kili drew in a slow breath. 

 

"I can't," he whispered, though for the first time he felt the beginning tendrils of doubt curling in his gut. "I can't leave. Not while there's a chance he might remember. What if I disappear, and any lingering memories he might have go with me?"

 

Thorin nodded, a small smile teasing at his lips. "I suppose I already knew that would be your answer/," he admitted, curling a hand around the back of Kili's neck and drawing him in to kiss the top of his head. "You're sure this is what you want?"

 

"Yeah." Kili smiled, trying to ignore the tone of finality to Thorin's words. "This feels right."

 

"Then that will have to be enough. You've always had good instincts, Kili. If you trust in them then we'll have to as well."

 

*

 

Fili's brain was on overdrive as he walked down the street to the store the next block over. He tried to come up wih any rational explanation for why Thorin would want to see Kili alone, but try as he might he couldn't forget the serious expression on Thorin's face, and the resignment he could see on Kili's. He knew his little brother, knew that Kili would never tell him if he really was sick, and that scared him more than anything. Whatever Thorin and Kili were talking about, it had to be serious, and if it was something Kili wasn't willing to share, it couldn't be anything good.

 

Lost in his thoughts, Fili barely noticed his feet carrying him into the little corner store, past stands of fresh fruit and magazine racks. He headed on instinct for the chocolate, picking up what Kili liked without really looking, and he didn't notice the blonde head to the left until she spoke. 

 

"I'm mad at you, you know."

 

Fili jerked, dropping the chocolate bars in surprise as he blinked at the newcomer. "Kate?" he asked after a moment, and she arched a brow at him. "I. You. You're mad at me?" he stumbled on after a moment, and Kate shrugged. 

 

"You know, normally, when a guy says he's going to call, he actually, you know... Calls."

 

It took Fili a minute to clue in, and his eyes widened. "I... Oh. Oh fuck," he muttered, rubbing the back of his head, making Kate snort. 

 

"Wow Durin. Way to make a girl feel special," she muttered, rolling her eyes as Fili mumbled out an apology. She turned to look at him properly then, and some of what Fili was thinking must have been showing on his face because she stilled and frowned at him. "Fili? What's wrong?"

 

"I, uh..." Fili scrubbed a hand over his face, sighing deeply. "Kili's sick."

 

"Your little brother?"

 

He nodded, swallowing around the sudden tightness in his throat. "I'm sorry I didn't call," he mumbled. "I've just been in and out of the hospital and..." He trailed off again, toying with the chocolate bars again, and Kate watched him a moment before nodding. 

 

"Yeah, okay," she said, closing a small hand around Fili's wrist. He blinked at her in surprise as Kate easily steered him out of the store and into the coffee shop next door. "Sit," she ordered, pulling him to a table in the back. Fili complied, watching as she hurried off to the cash, returning a minute later with a couple steaming hot coffees. "Here," she said, pushing one toward him. "You look as though you need it."

 

"Thanks," Fili said quietly, curling his hands around the warm mug. He stared into the dark liquid for a long moment before looking up at Kate when her foot nudged against his beneath the table. 

 

"You want to talk about it?" she asked quietly. For a minute Fili just lost himself in her soft green gaze, wishing he could just curl up with her and have everything else go away.   

 

"He's sick," he said again. "He's… Fuck, Kate, he's really sick. But no one knows anything, and what they do know they're not telling me and. He's my baby brother, and I don't know how to help him." To his absolute horror, he heard his voice crack, the stress of the past week catching up to him, and he blinked down at his coffee mug as Kate's hand curled around his. 

 

"Oh Fili," she breathed before she was moving out of her seat and sliding into the one beside him instead. Her arm curled around his shoulder and he leaned into her instantly, burying his face against her neck, eyes clenched shut against her skin. "Hey," she breathed, rubbing her fingers idly over the back of his head. "It's going to be okay, Fili. Remember, when he convinced me not to cancel our date? He was a stubborn thing even then, and he was what, ten?"

 

"Eleven," Fili answered automatically, and Kate laughed softly. 

 

"He's a fighter, Fili. And he's got you backing him up. Things are going to be okay."

 

Fili just sighed, wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing closer. Somehow, with the warm weight of her body against his, the faint smell of her body lotion in his nose, he could believe that things would be okay. 

 

They stayed there for the better part of twenty minutes, sipping their coffees as Fili relayed everything that had happened over the past few days. Kate was the perfect audience, encouraging him as he spilled out all his fears and worries, sympathetic but also comforting. He felt right with her, gravitating toward her both physically and mentally, and that inexplicable void that he'd been feeling since the accident suddenly seemed far smaller. 

 

"Oh fuck," Fili muttered when he finally glanced at his watch and realized how long they had been talking. "I gotta go. Kili's waiting for me." He got to his feet, gathering up his stuff, and then stopped to give Kate a soft smile. "Thanks for listening."

 

"Any time," she assured him, leaning up in her seat and tugging him down for a soft kiss. "Listen, you need anything, anytime, give me a call okay? And when things settle down, you still owe me a date. "

 

Fili felt his lips split into a grin. "Yeah, I suppose I do," he admitted, nearly tripping over the table as he tried to leave while still watching her. 

 

When he made it back to Kili's room, he found that Thorin had gone. Kili was sitting cross legged on his bed, playing distractedly with the plastic id bracelet around his wrist. He looked incredibly young, and so alone, and Fili felt his chest ache a moment as he passed through the doorway. Kili looked up at his entrance, offering him a small smile.

 

"Hey, there you are," he teased quietly. "I was about to send out a search party. Thought you went home without me."

 

"No, sorry. Just... Ran into someone." Fili shifted uncomfortably, not sure why he hadn't told Kili who it was he had run into or why he felt so incredibly guilty. He cleared his throat. "What did Thorin want?"

 

Kili shrugged his left arm. "Just... Stuff. Nothing important."

 

Fili opened his mouth to argue, ready to point out that Thorin all but kicking him out of the room usually warranted a pretty big deal, but Kili looked up at him again, tired eyes begging Fili to leave it. So he did, coming over to sit on the bed beside Kili, shoving him over without any grace. 

 

"Come on squirt, trivial pursuit. I'm this close to kicking your ass," he teased, glad when this time the smile reached Kili's eyes as well. 

 

"In your dreams, old man.”

 

*

 

Fili tried hard not to notice how different Kili was when he finally took him home an hour later. He tried not to notice the way Kili's fitted t-shirt now hung off of him, the way his legs shook slightly as he stepped out of the car and his arm sagged when he pulled his bag from the car. He tried not to notice how thin Kili was when he slung an arm around his waist to help him into the house, and the multitude of pills that Kili unloaded onto the kitchen counter. Fili rubbed his hands awkardly over his thighs, watching as Kili sunk into a kitchen stool with exhaustion written all over his face.

 

 "So... What now? Movies? Games? Pizza?" Aware he was on the edge of rambling, Fili forced himself to stop talking, earning himself a lopsided smile from his brother.

 

"Uh. Trip home kind of wore me out," Kili admitted. "I think I'm just gonna get some sleep."

 

Fili nodded, and when Kili pulled himself out of the chair, he immediately jumped forward to help support his weight again. The movement made Kili huff out a soft laugh as he glanced down at his older brother.

 

"I'm pretty sure I can make it upstairs on my own," he said dryly, though Fili could see how pleased he looked.

 

"Shut up and let me feel useful," Fili retorted easily, bumping lightly into Kili's side as they made their careful way upstairs.

 

It was a slow trek upstairs, and Fili could feel Kili leaning into him more and more as they moved. By the time they made it to Kili's room, Fili was pretty sure he was supporting most of his brother's weight. He helped him sink down onto the mattress, Kili groaning softly as he sat on the side of the bed. Fili frowned a little as he looked at him; Kili looked out of place in his room, though Fili couldn't say why. 

 

"Do you want my bed?" he blurted out before he could stop himself, and Kili jerked in response.

 

"What?" he choked out.

 

"I just mean... Well my bed is bigger, and it's newer, so I think it's probably more comfortable?"

 

"Right," Kili said, breathing again. For a minute he looked as though he desperately wanted to say yes, but he gave Fili a tight smile instead. "Well thanks bro. But I'm good here."

 

Fili just nodded and for a minute he desperately wanted to go over to Kili, to touch him, to wrap him up in his arms and keep him safe from everything. He didn't though, swallowing hard instead, and after a moment the urge passed. Still reluctant to leave without really knowing why, he finally sighed and moved toward the door, watching as Kili bent over to begin the arduous task of untying his shoes. "Night Kee," he murmured softly and shut the door quietly behind himself. 

 

*

 

It took a couple days, but slowly Kili started to feel better. As the pills started to sort out his symptoms, he began to eat more, and the constant grogginess slowly disappeared. It didn't take long for him to start running again, and then working out in the basement, and his headaches faded. He was talking more, and laughing more, and it was easy for Fili to tell himself that he had overreacted, that Kili was going to be okay. He could ignore the rare moments when he caught Kili staring at him with a lost expression, the moments when he would look back as he left the house in the morning to find Kili looking at him as if he would never see him again. The intensity of it scared him, and he didn't know what to do. More than anything he want to hold Kili in his arms, to reassure himself that his brother was alive, and fine, and tangible, but instead he found himself pulling away again. He settled for laughing over the same television shows rather than actually talking, not knowing how to bring up everything he wanted to say. 

 

Nearly two weeks later, and though Kili was feeling much better, Fili still hadn’t been able to properly talking to him. He was sitting in his office instead, taking a moment to just breathe. He'd been in non stop meetings since he had come in that morning, and a sudden emergency on a deal had had him running in and out, talking on his cell phone and trying to sort things out. He hadn't stopped until he had gone to grab lunch, only to be ambushed by Thorin, asking after Kili. He had looked worried, severe even for him, and for no explicable reason, it had set guilt gnawing in Fili's gut. He had headed back to his office with food he no longer wanted, and sat at his desk, toying with his cell phone as he considered calling his brother. There was no reason to; Kili was fine, and he was only going to think Fili was weirder than usual if he called to see if he was okay. He couldn't shake the feeling of needing to do something though, and he set down his cell phone only to immediately pick it up again, flipping through his contacts until he found the name he was looking for. Spinning his chair so he was looking out the window, his foot tapped against the floor until the phone was answered with a slightly breathless "hello?"

 

"Kate?"

 

"Hey!" He could practically hear the smile splitting her face as she realized who it was. "About time I heard from you.”

 

Fíli laughed softly, scratching nervously at the back of his neck even though she couldn’t see him. “Sorry about that. Things have been a bit crazy.” 

 

“No, I know. How’s Kíli doing?” 

 

“I… Good?” 

 

He heard the hesitation in her voice before she replied. “Yeah? You don’t sound so sure.” 

 

“No he’s… He’s fine. He’s great. Just. Things seem off.” Fíli shook his head, face palming and just barely suppressing a groan, because he hadn’t called her to start rambling about his brother. “That is really not why I’m calling though.” 

 

“Really! It’s not?” Kate laughed as she feigned surprise. “So why are you calling then?” 

 

Rolling his eyes, Fíli leaned back in his chair. “I think you know.” 

 

“Aww, well humour a girl. Tell me anyway.” 

 

Sticking his tongue out at the phone, Fíli laughed. “Well Kate, I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner with me sometime.” 

 

“Fíli Durin, are you asking me out?!” she asked, voice going high in mock surprise. 

 

“Well not anymore,” Fíli laughed. “Not if you’re gonna be like that about it.” 

 

“Okay, okay, I”m sorry. I’m done, I promise. I would  _love_  to have dinner with you, Fíli. When were you thinking?” 

 

He ended up talking to Kate for a full twenty minutes after they'd settled on the next night for dinner. He knew he was grinning the entire time, and couldn't help being relieved she couldn't see him. He was going to have to get that under control, but he couldn't really help it; something about Kate eased his mind, made all his worries seem blown out of proportion. He had always been a bit of worrier, and Kate seemed to compliment that nicely, soothing him without even trying. 

 

Fíli's good mood lasted all he rest of the afternoon, and the rest of his work day seemed to fly by. Dwalin gave him an odd look when he caught him humming in the elevator, asking gruffly who had spiked his coffee, but Fíli just blew him a kiss and dashed off to catch his train home. The day outside matched his new mood, sunny and bright, and he took his time as he walked the last block to the house, savouring the fresh air. 

 

The house seemed dark after the bright sunshine, and Fíli squinted as he let himself into the house. "Honey! I'm home!" he called down the hall, the sound of a crashing pot and Kíli cursing alerting him to his brother's presence in the kitchen. Still humming tunelessly under his breath, he went to meet his brother, side eyeing him when he entered the kitchen. "You okay?" Fili asked, slipping off his suit jacket and sliding onto one of the barstools. "You're looking kind of white." 

 

"Yeah, I'm fine," Kíli replied, trying not to think of the days when Fíli's familiar greeting would be followed up by lazy kisses against the counter. "You just surprised me." He grabbed a beer from the fridge out of reflex, handing it to Fíli before heading back to his cooking. "Are  _you_  okay?" he added, arching an eyebrow at him. "You're grinning like a…” He flailed a moment as a comparison escaped him. "Something that grins a lot."

 

Fíli barely managed to hold back a giggle, ducking his head as he picked at the label on his bottle. "Yeah. I, um..." He looked up at Kíli again. "I got a date tomorrow?" He blinked as Kíli started choking, eyes gone wide. "Whoa, hey, are you okay?!" 

 

"Yeah, sorry, fine," Kíli rasped out, still coughing lightly. "Just... Swallowed wrong." He forced a smile on his face before turning back to the stove, trying to get his nerves settled. "So, a date huh?" he asked after a long pause. His voice sounded fake to his own ears, but fortunately Fíli was apparently in too good of a mood to notice. "That's um. Great. Who with?"

 

Fíli scratched at the back of his neck again. "You remember Kate?"

 

"Kate?" Kíli repeated blankly, giving Fíli a quick glance over his shoulder. "Wait, like  _high school_  Kate?"

 

"One and the same," Fíli confirmed brightly. "I bumped into her a couple weeks back and we got to talking..." He swallowed, pushing back the memories of that night. “Weird, huh? But we've been talking a bit, so. I don't know. Just seemed right. Plus there's something kind of poetic about it, you know? High school sweetheart and all."

 

"More like clichéd," Kíli grumbled, making Fíli frown. When he turned around with the plates of food he had a smile plastered back on his face though, and he bumped Fíli's shoulder as they sat down to eat. "Hey, congrats man," he added, hoping it sounded at least a little sincere. “I hope it goes well.” 

 

*

 

Kíli was trying to be a supportive brother, he really was. He managed not to throw up each of the twelve times Fíli had mentioned Kate that evening (he had counted), which he thought was really quite commendable of him. He asked all the right questions, teased Fíli like any younger brother should, and just kept trying to remind himself that it wasn’t Fíli’s fault, that Fíli didn’t remember, or else he would never be doing this do him. He wanted to hate Kate too, but he couldn’t do that either. He had always liked her when they were kids, and it wasn’t her fault that she had happened to appear in Fíli’s life right when he needed her. Of course, that didn’t make the ache in his chest any easier. As it turned out, Kíli wasn’t as good of an actor as he thought either, because after his last time mentioning Kate, Fíli offered to see if Kate had a friend she could introduce Kíli too, apparently misinterpreting the source of his jealousy. It had been all Kili could do not to start making gagging noises at that suggestion, and he ended up claiming a headache and going to bed early, spending an exhausting night dreaming of Fili and Kate in all sorts of compromising positions. 

 

He was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling when he heard Fili get up for work, and once upon a time he would have hauled himself out of bed to join him, wrapped himself around Fili for good morning kisses and then sat half asleep at the kitchen counter and ogled his butt while he watched Fili make the coffee. Right now though, he had no interest in joining Fili. He wanted the brother who couldn’t resist giving him a good bye grope on his way out the door, not the brother who was still working out how to interact with him, and went all starry eyed over his future date. So when he heard Fili linger outside his bedroom door, probably wanting to check  _again_  if Kili was okay, he just rolled over and closed his eyes tightly shut, trying to force himself back to sleep. 

 

Kíli passed his day in a state of misery, moping around the house and trying not to think too hard on Fíli and Kate’s upcoming date. He knew what Fíli was like getting ready for any kind of special date, fussing over his clothing choices, trying on twelve different ties and pouting at Kíli when he told him they were all good choices. Kíli was dreading him coming home, having to go through all that with Fíli for the sake of someone else, but he couldn’t seem to keep the hours from flying by. Fíli was home before he knew it, whistling as he came in the door, and Kíli had to steel himself before looking over the back of his couch at his brother. 

 

“Hey,” he said, forcing a smile onto his face. “How was your day.” 

 

“Good,” Fíli replied shortly, practically thrumming with excited energy, and Kíli let go of his last bit of hope that Fíli might have forgotten or changed his mind. 

 

“Right. Your date tonight. When are you going again?”

 

“Uhhh.” Fíli was twitching a little as he glanced at his watch. “Shit, I’m supposed to pick her up in an hour.” He scrubbed a hand over his face, cursing softly under his breath. “Thorin piled on a bunch of shit just as I was getting ready to take off. It was like he didn’t want me to go or something.” 

 

Kíli pressed his lips together at that, smothering a fond smile at the thought of his uncle. Thorin had a weird way of trying to help him out sometimes, but the thought was still appreciated. “Better get going then,” Kíli pointed out, resettling in his sprawl on the couch as he turned back to the tv. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Fíli spin around as he tried to figure out what he should do first, and he rolled his eyes. “If you want a suggestion, I’d go with a shower. You stink, dude.” He just laughed harder when Fíli cuffed him on the back of the head with a soft curse before dashing up the stairs, the shower coming on a couple moments later. 

 

Kíli had zoned out completely in front of the television, happily not thinking of anything at all, when there was a loud bang from upstairs and then he heard a door slam open and Fíli stomping down the hall from his bedroom. “Kíli?” he called from the top of the stairs. 

 

“Yeah?” Kíli hollered back. 

 

“I… Can you help me figure out what to wear?” 

 

Kíli thought about saying no, he really did, but then he pictured Fíli stressing in front of his closet, fingers running through his hair as he stared hopelessly at the mess in front of him and, well, he’d never been good at telling his brother no for anything. Grumbling under his breath, he hauled himself off the couch, cursing Fíli as he went. Fíli had padded back to his bedroom, and Kíli followed, expecting to see Fíli in some hideous mishmash of an outfit. He wasn’t expecting to find Fíli frowning at the clothes in his closet in naught but a loosely knotted towel hanging low on his hips, and Kíli’s breath caught in his throat. Apparently he had missed Fíli bulking back up, but all of his pre-accident muscle tone had returned and then some. Kíli could see the muscles in his chest flex as he studied a pair of jeans, and Kíli bit at his lower lip before his eyes shifted to Fíli’s back, trailing down the length of his spine and settling on the swell of Fíli’s ass, the top of which was just barely visible before disappearing beneath soft white cotton. He swallowed hard, mouth going dry, and he stared for a moment too long before snapping back into focus. “I… What do you need help with?” 

 

Fili turned, giving him a helpless look, and Kili pulled his eyes from where the towel was slipping even lower. “All of it,” Fili admitted. “I don’t… Fuck, what do I wear? A suit?’

 

Kili rolled his eyes and tried to ignore the way his stomach twisted; Fili was only ever this hopeless when it was something that mattered. “Yeah, sure,” he agreed. “If you want to look like you’re taking her to a business meeting for your date.” He pushed past Fili, relieved when he no longer had to look at him, and perused his brother’s closet. It wasn’t too hard to pick something out - he just had to grab all the clothes he best liked to see on Fíli. Fíli gave a relieved sigh as he grabbed the jeans and shirt and ducked into the bathroom to change. Kíli hovered for a minute, wondering if Fíli would think it strange if he went back downstairs, and while he was still trying to make a decision, Fíli came back out, a frown on his features. 

 

“Glasses, or no?” he asked, fingers on the frames in question.

 

Kili moved toward him, hands coming up to the glasses on Fili’s face. “No,” he said decidedly, pulling them carefully from his face. Fili’s eyes automatically closed out of reflex, and when he opened them again, Kili drew in a slow breath. It had been awhile since he’d seen Fili like this, since they’d been so close, and he couldn’t look away from the sharp blue gaze. “You, um. You have a hair,” he breathed, distantly aware of fingers brushing against his hips. He brushed a loose strand back from Fili’s forehead, fingers twitching as he fought the urge to tangle his fingers in those soft curls. 

 

“Kili,” his brother breathed softly. His tongue flicked out, dragging across his lips, and they were so close, and then Fili’s eyes widened and he took a step back. “I um. I’m gonna be late,” he mumbled, nearly tripping over the bed when he moved to grab his wallet and phone off the bedside table. He gave Kili a bright smile, the edges only slightly tensed. "I’ll be back later. Don’t wait up!” 

 

He was gone before Kili could say another word, and Kili sighed as ran a hand through his hair. “Fuck,” he swore loudly, slamming his fist against the bed frame. “Just… Fuck.” He was overwhelmed with missing his brother, and half hard to boot, and he growled under his breath before heading downstairs and straight for the liquor cabinet, digging out Fili’s expensive seventy-year-old scotch. He didn’t bother with a glass as he flopped back down in front of the couch. The show he had been watching had switched over to a movie, but all Kili could see was Fili and Kate. He couldn’t seem to turn his mind off, doubt curling in his stomach as he once again wondered if maybe Thorin had been right, and the more he thought the more he drank, until the bottle was mostly gone. 

 

His plan had been to be passed out by the time Fili got home, but apparently he wasn’t so lucky. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed when he heard the keys in the lock, and he didn’t bother to keep his voice down when he cursed at the sound. A minute later he heard Fili whistling under his breath, and his face set into a glare. He looked up as Fili came into the room, eyes heavy, and not even the alcohol could mask the ache in his chest at the sight of Fili’s flushed cheeks and mussed up hair.

 

“How was your date?” he asked, derision clear in his voice, though it was somewhat masked by the slur of his words. 

 

Fili hadn't actually been expecting Kili to still be awake when he came, considering all his recent early nights, but he definitely hadn’t been expecting this. He frowned as he took in Kili’s state, the memory of kissing Kate at her door slowly fading as he looked him over. “It was good,” he answered warily. “Kili, what…” He trailed off as his eyes sighted on the nearly empty bottle on the coffee table. “Jesus Kili, did you drink all that yourself?” 

 

“Like you fucking care,” Kili mumbled, turning back to the television. 

 

“What are you… What?” Fili demanded, not even knowing where to begin. “Is it even safe for you to be drinking with your medication?” 

 

Kili didn’t answer, and Fili just sighed. Taking a steadying breath - because there was no sense in arguing with Kili now - he capped the bottle on the scotch, trying not to wince at the thought of how much it had cost. He leaned over and grabbed Kili’s arm, tugging him upright and growling under his breath when Kili made no attempt to help him. 

 

“I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you sometimes,” he muttered, slinging Kili’s arm over his shoulder and half dragging him up the stairs. “Should have just left you on the fucking couch.” 

 

“Yeah well. Why didn’t you?” 

 

“Cause  you always end up with a sore back when you sleep on that couch."

 

The answer came automatically, but Kili turned to look at him in surprise, eyes widening as he blinked at him blearily. "You... Remember that?" he asked, nearly tripping over a stair as he processed this information. 

 

Fili just gave him a strange look as they took the final few steps to Kíli's room and he hefted his brother onto the bed. "Why wouldn't I remember that?" he asked, dropping to his feet to tug off Kíli's shoes. 

 

Distantly, some part of Kíli's brain that wasn't hazed in alcohol was screaming at him that this was a bad idea, that Fili may remember his sore back and not the lazy massages that went with it, but all he could focus on was the idea that  _his_  Fili was still in there somewhere. He stared at him as Fili pulled back again, and his hand moved to pat uncoordinatedly at Fíli's cheek. 

 

"I love you Fee," he slurred, and Fili rolled his eyes as he straightened back up. 

 

"Of course you do," he told him fondly, leaning over him as he shifted Kili to lie properly on the bed. Kili clung at him as he pulled up the blankets, and though he couldn’t say for sure whether it was an accident or not, one hand slipped down and he ended up with a handful of ass. Fili made a hilarious noise, hips jolting forward with huge eyes before he laughed somewhat tensely and pried Kíli's hands away.

 

"Get some sleep, Kee," he said, keeping his voice steady. "You're gonna feel like shit tomorrow."

 

With Kili safely ensconced in bed, Fili was free to once more let his thoughts return to Kate and their pretty perfect date. They had already planned another one for a few days later, and Fili was already excited for it. He went to bed with visions of blonde hair and green eyes, and it wasn’t any surprise when they followed him into his dreams. He dreamt of her soft skin, and low laugh, of kissing her softly in the front of his car, which then became his own bed. His hand slid up to tangle in her hair which turned brown in his hold, and when he pulled back her eyes had gone brown to match, and suddenly he was looking at his brother’s familiar smile instead. He didn’t question it though, just curled his hand around Kili’s neck as though this was who he had been with all along. Kili laughed softly, long fingers splaying across his ribs, and then he was leaning in and kissing Fili again, and they were lying flat with Kili looming over him, kissing him hot and perfect and just how Fili liked, Kili pinning his wrists to the bed as Fili arched up against him and— 

 

Fili groaned as the ringing of his alarm pulled him from sleep. He slapped it off, dropping the phone back to the mattress, and blinked at the ceiling, feeling off kilter. It took him a moment to remember his dreams, and when he did his cheeks burned red hot. Groaning, he grabbed a pillow from beside him and slapped it over his face, feeling mortified. 

 

“Fucking hell, Kili,” he mumbled. “Even sabotaging my dreams.” 

 

He dragged his heels about getting ready, taking his time to avoid checking on Kili. He waited until he had absolutely nothing else to do and gathered a glass of water and a bottle of painkillers, tapping softly on Kili’s door and letting himself in. 

 

He sighed at the sight of his brother. Although Kili was still in the same position Fili had left him in, he had managed to kick off most of his blankets. His sweatpants were low on his hips, t-shirt ridden up a little, and his face was relaxed in sleep. Fili hated to wake him, but he hated the idea of Kili falling into another coma more, so he set everything on the nightstand and carefully nudged Kili awake. 

 

“Kili?” he hummed. “Kili? Come on, Kee. I have to get to work, and I have to make sure you’re alive before I go.” 

 

Kili groaned as his sleep was interrupted, making one half-hearted attempt to open his eyes before shaking his head and rolling into the pillow. “Nooo,” he groaned. “Not alive. Dead. My head’s split open.” 

 

Fili laughed softly. “Yeah, that’ll happen when you drink an entire bottle of scotch.” He gave Kili’s shoulder a squeeze, trying not to think on the feeling of firm muscles beneath his hand. “I’m leaving you some water. Make sure you drink it.” 

 

Kili rolled over enough to open his eyes and look at Fili. His gaze was soft, making him look young and vulnerable, and a dopey smile crossed his lips. “Thanks Fee. Take such good care of me.” 

 

“Yeah.” Fili smiled back before his dreams from before caught up to him and his cheeks began to burn again. He cleared his throat awkwardly. “Well. I should, uh. Go. Try not to choke on your own vomit, and call me if you need anything,” he said before rushing out the door. He hesitated only a moment in the hallway, burying his face in his hands and groaning softly to get a grip on himself before he headed out the door. 

 

Fili and Kili fell into an awkward routine after that, neither sure exactly how to behave around one another. They had moments where things were almost back to how they had once been, laughing and joking in the kitchen, wrestling on the floor for the remote. But Fili couldn’t get the dream he’d had out of his head. It wasn’t the sex alone that had freaked him out - after all, sex dreams could happen for any number of reasons, right? It was the easy intimacy they had shared, and how familiar and  _right_  it had felt when he woke up. Inevitably they would pop into his mind when talking to Kili and he would close off, embarrassed and scared of what Kili might think if he could see into his mind. Kili would of course react in kind, shutting down completely and going to stew in his room, leaving Fili feeling sick with guilt and wondering how on earth he was going to fix everything. 

 

For Kili, it was an endless source of frustration. He could see that glimmer in Fili’s eyes, he could see the  _real_ Fili there, just lurking beneath the surface if he could only remember. He knew he was so close to getting him back, but every single time, his brother would fade before his eyes again. He was getting more and more used to this imitation of Fili, and that thought alone terrified him. He didn’t want to grow complacent, didn’t want to just adjust to this new Fili, but he didn’t know how else to get him to remember. 

 

And then there was Kate. 

 

Kate, who made Fili smile. Kate, who Fili talked about more and more. The first time Kili had come home to find Fili on the phone with Kate, sprawled out and laughing, it had hurt more than he cared to admit. He could remember all too well the days when he had been the one to make Fili smile like that, their stupid conversations on the phone that had started with Kili calling to ask what kind of poptarts Fili wanted and then turned into a one hour debate on the merits of the new Batman movie. It hurt, but at the same time, it was good to see Fili so happy. And no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t hate Kate. She had stopped by after Fili had forgotten his cell phone in her car, and it had been so easy to fall into conversation with her. She had even brought Kili his favourite chocolate bar. The thing was, Kate was sweet, and cute, and hilarious, and really perfect for Fili except that he already  _had_  someone. So Kili was stuck, trying to make Fili remember, wanting him to be happy, and just completely lost on what to do. 

 

*

 

Friday night, and Fili had yet another date with Kate, while Kili’s big plans for the night consisted of watching  _Daylight_  for the fifteen billionth time on television and trying very hard  _not_ to think of Fili on his date with Kate. Fili seemed extra cheerful, actually singing out loud as he got ready, until Kili finally arched an eyebrow at him. 

 

“What are you so happy about?” he asked, thankfully managing to keep the bitter tone out of his voice. 

 

The back of Fili’s neck flushed red, and he tossed a glance at Kili over his shoulder, eyes glittering slightly. “Just, you know. Excited about the date.” 

 

Kili just waited, because he knew there had to be more than that to it, and sure enough a moment later Fili ducked his shoulders a bit. 

 

“I think it might be, you know,  _the_ date.” 

 

It took a minute for the words to process in Kili’s brain, and then he felt the smile freeze on his face. It took him a second too long to respond, but fortunately Fili didn’t notice, going back to whistling. “ _The_ date?” he repeated weakly, clearing his throat to try and regain his normal tone. “What are you, twelve?” He laughed softly when Fili responded by throwing a sock at him, not looking at his brother as he dug at a hangnail on his thumb. “So you and she haven’t…?” 

 

“Not yet,” Fili admitted. “I don’t know, just didn’t seem right before?” He was blushing bright red but he looked so fucking  _happy_ , and Kili felt sick to his stomach. “But I think tonight’s it.” 

 

“Great, good!” Kili declared, getting to his feet and clapping Fili on the back. “Congrats, man. Remember, no love without the glove and all that. Call me if you need any tips.” He gave Fili a rude wink, pulling his hand away when it started to shake. “I’m gonna go, um. Shower… Have fun tonight!”

 

He all but ran from the room and into his bathroom, turning the water on as hot as he could bear. He wondered if he could really have been wrong, if he really had lost Fili, and he did his best to ignore the sudden pounding in his head at the thought.

 

*

 

Fili tripped a little over his shoes as he unlocked the front door, Kate giggling into his shoulder with her arms wrapped around him from behind. The house was quiet and dark, and he grinned as they slipped inside, spinning Kate to face him. "Shhh," he whispered, lips almost brushing against hers. "Kili must be sleeping."

 

Her grin matched his as she pressed a little bit closer. "Better not wake him then," she replied, looping her arms around his neck and kissing him. Fili hummed against her lips, hands sliding down her back, tracing over her ribs before wrapping around her middle and keeping her pulled tight against him. He backed up until his back bumped the wall, Kate leaning into him, and he nipped at her lip at the perfect way their bodies slotted together. Kate laughed against his mouth, her fingers winding up through his short hair. 

 

"Come on," Fili mumbled, forcing himself to pull away from her to tug her into the living room. It was dark too, only lit by a soft glow filtering from the kitchen. He paused in front of the couch, hand coming up to brush her hair back from her face. "You, uh. You want a drink?" he asked, close enough to feel her breath on his cheek. 

 

Kate huffed out a soft laugh. "No," she retorted dryly, making Fili laugh as well. He took another step toward the couch, misjudging how close he was, and the backs of his knees collided with the cushion. He toppled over backwards, pulling Kate down with him. She landed on top of him with a soft ‘oof,’ the air slipping from Fili’s lungs in a rush as she ground down against his half hard cock. “Ooooh.” Kate waggled her eyebrows at him. “Hello sailor,” she purred, leaning in to kiss him again. Fili hummed against her lips as his hand crept up her back, sliding under her shirt and stroking over her spine. Kate wiggled against him at the sensation, and he grunted softly as she rubbed against him just right. Kate’s lips quirked into a grin against his, and the kiss slowly grew more heated, need beginning to burn in Fili’s belly. He shifted beneath her, one leg falling to brace against the floor as he shifted to let her settle more firmly against him. Kate knew exactly what she was doing, body moving just right against his, and Fili happily let her take the lead. His eyes rolled back in his head and nails dragged bluntly over her skin as she began kissing along his neck. 

 

“K… Kate,” he mumbled, leather creaking as he shifted beneath her. His hand slid down her back to palm her ass, hitching her skirt up to rub at her through her panties. Kate huffed out a soft moan against his neck, which caused Fili to shiver at the tickling sensation. She giggled again, and Fili's hands curled against her skin as she began her descent down the length of his body. "Aw shit Kate," he muttered as he realized where she was headed. 

 

Kate beamed up at him as she pushed up his t-shirt, pressing wet, open-mouthed kisses over the skin beneath his belly button. "Well. This is familiar." 

 

Fili huffed out a soft laugh. "Well, hopefully I'll last a little longer this time around," he replied, fingers brushing through her long hair. Kate leaned into his touch before lifting her head to waggle her eyebrows at him. 

 

"I wouldn't be too sure about that handsome," she told him, the tone of her voice making his cock twitch. "I've learned a few tricks since high school."

 

*

 

Kili sighed as he jogged up the steps to the front door. He was breathing hard, sweat cooling on his skin from his run. The house was still dark, only the front light on, and he let himself in quickly, ready for a shower and to fall into bed. His mind was blissfully blank, the run just what he needed to take his mind off Fili -- who was probably still on his date, his brain helpfully supplied. Ignoring this fact, he let himself in, kicking the door shut behind him. He was headed for the kitchen, wanting some water before he headed upstairs, when a sudden noise stopped him. He blinked and frowned before the noise was followed up by what was very definitely a girl giggling. Before Kili even had time to process what he was hearing, the giggle was followed by a soft, needy moan that Kili knew extremely well.

 

"Oh no," he breathed, scrubbing a hand over his face in horror. "Oh please, no." 

 

Even so, he couldn't seem to stop himself from creeping toward the living room door. The slight squeak of his sneakers on the hardwood went unnoticed over the moans and slick sounds that were steadily growing louder. Not wanting to look, but unable to resist Kili finally peered around the doorway, feeling hot and cold all over at the sight before him. 

 

Fili was splayed out across the couch, one leg on the floor and one bent and pulled up beside him. He had his arms stretched across the back of the couch, his head tipped back as his chest heaved with gasping breaths, and though Kili couldn't see it in the dim light, he knew the skin would be pulled tight across his Adam's apple. Feeling faintly ill, Kili couldn't stop his gaze from drifting down the length of Fili's well-muscled chest, coming to rest on the blonde head between his legs. He could see her head bobbing, Fili making hungry little noises with each shift, his hands clenching and relaxing into fists, and Kili knew his brother well enough to tell he was enjoying it. He barely noticed his own body responding in kind, so attuned to the sounds Fili was making that it was almost Pavlovian. 

 

Then Fili gasped sharply, his head jerking up before immediately falling back. "Jesus fucking... Christ. Kate," he choked out, breathing ragged. 

 

Kili heard Kate hum around her mouthful before she pulled off with a wet sound. "Mmmm... Bad?" she asked with a quiet laugh, leaning forward to press wet, open mouthed kisses along Fili's thigh.

 

"No," he choked out, shaking his head frantically along the back of the couch. "No, 's good. It's -  _Fuck_  Kate. It's good. Don't stop. Please don't... Don't stop."

 

He sounded wrecked already, and Kili knew those sounds, knew the sounds of his brother being filled, and teased, and fucked open. He could see Kate's hand now, pressed between Fili's legs, watched as she twisted her wrist and Fili arched his back with a wounded sound of pleasure. 

 

“Oh god,” Kili moaned softly, unable to tear his eyes away. His hand shifted between his legs, squeezing himself through his shorts. “Oh, Fili.” 

 

He chewed on his lower lip, watching as Kate arched up, murmuring something he couldn’t quite catch that had Fili groaning. Kate’s arm shifted, and Fili cried out, the toes Kili could see curling hard enough to cramp. “Fu-uck,” he whined. “I didn’t… Didn’t know it did that,” he managed, making Kate laugh and Kili’s heart clench. He wanted to run away, but found his hand moving over his dick instead, watching and wishing desperately that it were he in Kate’s place. “ _Kate_ ,” Fili sobbed, shifting and squirming on the couch and Kili knew his brother, knew he was getting close. “Kate,  _please_ ,” Fili begged. “I…  _Christ_. I may- may. Be able to come just from that. Oh  _god._ ” He was practically wailing, and Kili braced an arm against the wall, sinking his teeth into his skin to stifle his moans as he jerked himself off harder, faster, imagining Fili making those noises for him, the tight clench of his body around his cock. Kate did something else with her hand and Fili cried out against, panting hard with his eyes tightly closed. “Kate,” he gasped. “Kate, Kate, Kate.” His words slurred together as his pleasure spiralled, only managing the first syllable of her name, and when Kili closed his eyes it was all too easy to imagine Fili was chanting ‘Kee,” instead. 

 

They came almost in unison, Kili gasping hard against his own arm as he spilled inside his shorts while Fili cried out loudly, hips jerking hard. It took a moment for Kili to recover, blood rushing in his ears, and when the buzzing in his ears stopped, he could hear the gentle whispers between them, quiet laughter, soft kissing. He swallowed hard, lifting his head to see Kate back up on the couch beside Fili, leaning over him as they kissed lazily. Fili’s hands were running over her body, his eyes locked on her, and Kili felt his stomach drop. 

 

He took a step back, and then another, nearly tripping over the table in the hall but managing to catch himself just in time. As quietly as he could manage, he headed up the stairs, breathing coming harsher until he could get to his bedroom. He shut the door hard, falling back against it and clapping his hand over his mouth to stifle a distraught sob. Dragging a hand through his hair, he paced around his room before heading to his closet, pulling out his duffel bag. Tears burning at his eyes, he began throwing things haphazardly into it, hardly able to breathe. He could barely think clearly. All he knew was that he had been wrong, that Fili wasn’t coming back. 

 

Sinking to the floor, Kili closed his eyes tight, letting the tears spill over his cheeks as he bit down hard on his fist to stifle the scream that threatened to escape. He could feel the ache starting in his skull again and he knew with absolutely certainty that he had to get out of there. 

 

 

 


End file.
